Dwight K. Schrute: Cathy, I would like to introduce you to Fatty Gruesome. He is a freelancer for Wired magazine.
Patty: Patty Grossman. I'm a woman.
Dwight K. Schrute: But you still work for Wired, right?
Patty: Yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: Good! Okay. Flirt away.

Kevin: Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning?
Andy: Don't care. Tell me later.
Kevin: Listen, it's important. You've gotta hear this.
Andy: What do you got?
Kelly: Oh, my god!
Phyllis: Do you have a black eye?
Andy: Yes, I do. Phyllis.
Kevin: I woke up at 4 am by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what?
Andy: What?
Kevin: It's not a kid on a bike. It's a man in a car.

Andy: Here's what happened. Pam and I were arriving for the day. And there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes, on, on motorcycles. And they were just hassling Pam...
Pam: That's true.
Andy: They had, uh... weapons.
Pam: Weapons.
Andy: I just stepped in to talk some sense into them.
Pam: But these were not the kind of people who use their words.
Andy: Punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple, and I was fighting them off. It was totally, like, like, senseless crime.
Pam: Thank goodness he was there.
Oscar: Good job, Andy.
Kevin: Yeah!
Andy: I didn't do anything any of you wouldn't have done.

Oscar: How can we feel safe knowing that there are gangs here? We should call the police right now!
Andy: No.
Angela: Yes.
Andy: No, no, no, no, no. We don't need to call the police. They'll just ask everybody questions, get up in everyone's business, right, Pam?
Pam: Police are a hassle. We settled this on the street.
Andy: And my eye will heal. But if the police come, then we will forever stain our neighborhood as a troubled area.
Angela: Why would you care what the police think of our neighborhood?
Andy: Because I have neighborhood Pride. 1-8-5-0-5.
Pam: 1-8-5-0-5.
Darryl: Guys, guys. That's so vague. You gotta do the zip plus four. 1-8-5-0-5 dash 7-4-2-7.

Jim: [on the phone] Yeah, no, it seems to be going great. Andy got beat up by a fifth grade girl?
Blogger: Look at that guy. He's got his Sabre phone on, and he's not even using it.
Blogger 2: This is a perfect photo for my Daily Fail blog.

Nellie: Dwight, what is a fail? That sounds bad.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, no, no, no. It's good. It's really- On the Internet, it's a really- That's a really good, good, thing.

Toby: Self-defense is not some fun boxing match, okay? This is about escaping with your life. So... strike, scream, and run. All right? Let's try it.
Creed: [karate chops Meredith's head, screams, then runs out]
Meredith: Ow.
Toby: That may have been my fault.
Meredith: What the hell, Toby?

Toby: Okay, look, in a real crisis situation, you're not gonna have to time to think, okay? So just remember, I-A-A-T-G. "It's all about the groin."
Andy: What if you're being attacked by a... smallish man who happens to not have a groin?
Toby: I don't think that's very common.
Andy: What if you're being attacked by a 4'11" man who is penis-less?
Oscar: Why are you fixated on this hypothetical trans-gendered attacker?
Andy: Why don't we start with the basics? Show us how to defend ourselves against a baby, and then like, a fifth grade girl, and then, you know, if we have time, on up to a scary man.
Toby: Well, the most common scenario is a larger man attacking a smaller female.
Andy: So in that scenario, what if the victim sucker-punches the attacker in the face? What can the attacker then do to better protect himself?
Toby: It's interesting that you're drawn to the point of view of the attacker. You would like "The Turn of the Table". Okay, the latest Chad Flenderman novel... [everyone groans] written from the point of view of his nemesis, Dr. Lucifer Wu.

Ryan: [nervously] Sabre. It's time to come home.
Jim: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think... It seemed like you were a little nervous.
Ryan: Yeah, no [bleep], Sherlock! Can somebody please tell me something encouraging about this presentation before I go out there in front of a million people and do it?

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. I know, I know, champ. Calm down, just listen.
Ryan: You know what?
Dwight K. Schrute: You just need to realize that so much rides on this. You have no idea.
Jim: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm trying to make him feel important.
Ryan: God. I wish Kelly were here. She always knew what to say.
Dwight K. Schrute: Um... [imitating Kelly] Oh, Ryan, you're so smart. You're smarter than Mark Zuckerberg and those Google guys all combined. Hee hee hee.
Ryan: You're so ignorant. You barely know what you're talking about. That is so ridiculous. You really need to read a couple books.
Dwight K. Schrute: What's a book? [giggles]
Ryan: Oh my God. You're so embarrassing.