‘Stress Relief’
Season 5, Episode 14 - Aired February 1, 2009
As Dwight stages an elaborate fire drill at the office, Stanley has a heart attack. When Michael tries to help his staff calm down, he is disturbed to learn he is the one stressing them out. Michael decides there should be a comedy roast for his employees to poke fun at their boss. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam watch a pirated movie with Andy.
Quote from Dwight K. Schrute
Dwight K. Schrute: May I have your attention please? Sign in, sign in on the sign in sheet, the clipboard. This meeting is mandatory, if you do not sign in your name will not be counted. Thank you.
Phyllis: Hey, this is your apology letter.
Dwight K. Schrute: That was the last signature I needed.
Quote from Michael Scott
Michael Scott: Hey, hey. I don't go make burgers where you work and then tell you how to make burgers. Ha ha!
Quote from Kelly
Kelly: I have made a list of people that I would make out with before I would make out with Michael Scott: a turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse, a wood-chipper, Kevin, a candle, and Lord Voldemort. Anyway, Happy Birthday Michael.
Michael Scott: Yeah, you'd be so lucky.
Quote from Michael Scott
Michael Scott: [Toby tries to come on stage] No! No, friends only. Friends only.
Quote from Jim
Jim: Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary.
Michael Scott: I know where this is going.
Jim: Do you?
Michael Scott: No...
Jim: Okay. Remember spider face?
Michael Scott: No.
Jim: Okay. 'Cause the quote was, cut off your nose to spiderface.
Michael Scott: Spite her- Okay. [laughter]
Quote from Darryl
Darryl: Mike claims we're all a family, isn't that right?
Michael: We are, we are a family.
Darryl: Okay, so um, what's his name? All the way in the back there.
Michael Scott: Oh very funny.
Darryl: What's his name?
Michael Scott: Uh... Ha ha! I'm thinking Roy?
Darryl: Roy left years ago. What's his name?
Michael Scott: I don't believe I have had the pleasure.
Warehouse Michael: Michael, I gave you a ride home last week, we spent an hour in traffic...
Darryl: What's his name?
Michael Scott: Jefferson.
Darryl: Nope. His name is Michael.
Quote from Michael Scott
Michael Scott: Thank you very much. Thank you. That was great. Great job, great laughs. Really, really went after my intelligence there. [clears throat] Dozens of online IQ test might prove you wrong, but, and my thing isn't tiny, its average, so... Get your facts straight. [clears throat again] So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought- [choking up, clears throat again] Sorry, I think I have a frog in my throat. Um. I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people. Um, first up Phyllis and Kevin. [Michael walks off stage, knocking the snare drum over as he goes.]
Quote from Kevin
Kevin: [with a sock puppet] He is so dumb that he tries to put his M&Ms in alphabetical order.
Oscar: Alright, Kevin. Enough with the Michael jokes. I think he got it bad enough yesterday.
Kevin: I'm almost done.
Oscar: That reeks, and I'm trying to eat.
Quote from Dwight K. Schrute
Pam: Phyllis there's a package for you.
Phyllis: Oh, okay. [After Phyllis signs for the package, she opens it and finds it's empty]
Dwight K. Schrute: [pulls the clipboard away from the "delivery guy" on a string] Got it.