‘Stress Relief’
Season 5, Episode 14 - Aired February 1, 2009
As Dwight stages an elaborate fire drill at the office, Stanley has a heart attack. When Michael tries to help his staff calm down, he is disturbed to learn he is the one stressing them out. Michael decides there should be a comedy roast for his employees to poke fun at their boss. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam watch a pirated movie with Andy.
Quote from Andy
Jim: Gimme a break.
Andy: I know it man. You know, Lilly was supposed to be Nicole Kidman, um and it was gonna be Sophie's mom, not grandmother. But then Nicole Kidman dropped out so they went with Cloris Leachman, with a small rewrite.
Jim: [to Pam] Can you believe this? [pause] He was pretty talkative at breakfast.
Andy: Well, yeah- But... Breakfast? You mean when they were eating soup? I don't think that was breakfast. Unless soup- Does soup symbolize breakfast?
Pam: So he doesn't share it with his daughter but he shares it with his daughter's fiance?
Andy: You guys, they're making out.
Quote from Michael Scott
Michael Scott: Om... Om... Everybody sit on the floor Indian style like me. Om, my God if you're wearing a dress please keep your knees together nobody wants to see that. Om... Om...
Quote from Michael Scott
Michael Scott: My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can, and I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. That one makes me think... of death. It's kinda nice...
Quote from Stanley
Michael Scott: What is that? People! Please I told you to get rid of the cell phones.
Stanley: It's my bio-feedback machine..
Michael Scott: Oh, okay. What is that, like, a video game?
Stanley: It alerts me when my stress level goes up so I can try to calm down.
Michael Scott: You have stress?
Stanley: Yes.
Michael Scott: During our relaxation exercise?
Quote from Michael Scott
Michael Scott: Okay, I think that thing is on the fritz. Ah, Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That's what he said! Right, guys, 'cause of gay?
Quote from Jim
Jim: Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, so... it was her parents or my parents.
Quote from Pam
Pam: What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me?
Quote from Dwight K. Schrute
Michael Scott: I don't get it. Do I stress you out?
Dwight K. Schrute: Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.
Michael Scott: Oh.
Dwight K. Schrute: Speaking of which... [Dwight hands Michael the paper to sign for his formal apology]
Quote from Michael Scott
Michael Scott: Okay, everybody, I've figured it out. The reason that you are all so stressed around me is that you are too intimidated to tell me what you really think. You are keeping these feelings inside, and that is what's causing stress. So, what is the solution? Solution is honesty, laughter, and comedy. In short-
Kelly: A vacation.
Michael Scott: Eh- What? No. No, I am talking about a roast! Of Michael Scott! Oh c'mon! Who here has the Comedy Central Roast channel? You've seen it right? Everybody gets together, and you start hurling insults at the one guy, and everybody's laughing, and everybody's hugging each other.
Oscar: Michael are you serious? You really want us to roast you?
Michael Scott: [Mexican accent] Si senor.
Oscar: That's offensive.
Michael Scott: It's not! It's not offensive during a roast. Anything goes. I want you guys to really get cracking on this. I want you to take me down. Don't hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that I'm so fit, or I'm a womanizer... fair game. Whatever. I don't want to write your stuff for you, but I just want it to be good.
Quote from Michael Scott
Michael Scott: I can already feel people's stress starting to melt. I think they're very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.