Clark: Hey, can I talk to you for one second?
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Clark: One second.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Clark: One second.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am closing a deal on a tractor with the father of a woman I plan to inseminate.
Clark: Don't do it. [takes Dwight's pen]
Dwight K. Schrute: What? Don't you cap that pen. Do not cap that pen! Do not! Ugh! You capped it. Wow. You are serious. Okay, you've got two minutes and then the cap comes off.
Clark: Dude, we're being conned.
Dwight K. Schrute: Go on.
Clark: These chicks are way too hot to be into us. Esther's just pretending to like you so that you'll buy her daddy a new tractor.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Clark: Yes. Her sister's trying to seduce me into buying an auger with her.
Dwight K. Schrute: What? Has the warranty expired on the auger you have now?
Clark: I don't even know what an auger is!
Dwight K. Schrute: No woman would ever want a man who doesn't know what an auger is.

Angela: Dwight is dating a Brussels sprout farmer named Esther. She's coming here this afternoon with her father. Who knows? Maybe she'll be pulling the horse cart!

Dwight K. Schrute: Esther's on her way up. I wonder if she wants a snack. Let's see, I know she likes apples and carrots.
Angela: I bet she does. I bet she'll eat them right out of your hand with those big strong teeth.
Dwight K. Schrute: Did I tell you about her teeth?

Dwight K. Schrute: Ah, the Bruegger family. Welcome.
Mr. Bruegger: Fine office you have here. Sturdy walls.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. Esther, you look radiant as always.
Esther: Thank you.

Angela: I guess men find Esther attractive. I mean if there are chubby chasers, then there are men that like that....thing.

Jim: With our firm, you'll be building equity for long after they've retired your number.
Darryl: And we all know, baseball does not last forever.
Ryan Howard: I look at these actors on TV and I think: "C'mon, I can do that."
Jim: Right? [laughs]
Ryan Howard: Watch this: Eat Fresh. Now what does that make you think of?
Darryl: Subway sandwiches.
Jim: Yep.
Ryan Howard: How? I didn't say Subway sandwiches. It's called playing the subtext.
Jim: Wow.
Ryan Howard: I actually wrote a screenplay, it's called "The Big Piece"
Jim: Based on his nickname. Like it already. Let me guess, it's autobiographical.
Ryan Howard: Half biopic and half superhero movie. A mild mannered professional baseball player, Ryan Howard-
Jim: Okay.
Ryan Howard: -hits a home run into outer space. Ball comes back with space dust on it, which transforms him into: The Big Piece.
Darryl: The space dust does it.
Jim: Space dust.
Darryl: Yeah.
Ryan Howard: I actually brought a- some copies of my script if you guys wanna read it together.
Jim: Sure, yeah. [laughs] Hollywood. Alright.
Darryl: Wow. Yeah, we gonna read it.

Jim: Hey man, how you doin'? Jim Halpert.
Ryan Howard: Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh.
Darryl: Hey, man. Darryl.
Ryan Howard: Hey there, Ryan. Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh. [to camera] Eat Fresh.
Jim: Let's go to the conference room.

Kevin: Andy, are there documentary groupies?
Andy: Of course there are!
Kevin: Of course.
Toby: A little ironic that I'm going to be kind of a TV star, because my last Chad Flendermen novel was based on a murdered TV star. The small screen-
Nellie: Oh, I don't care.

Andy: People, relax! We are killing it online. Have you guys checked the comments? SmokeThatSkinwagon says: "You guys are killing it!" I mean, we're internet sensations, guys!

Andy: Oh! Seven new comments. "The guy at 0:19 is hawt!" [typing] "Hi Bongripper, it's me, Andy, the guy from 0:19. I'm glad that you enjoyed my work in that promo. I really enjoyed your comment, going to read some more comments now. Have a great day!" [reading] "He's not hawt, he's gay." [typing] "Dear JasonJasonJason, it's me, Andy. Nice name. Not! Guess what? I'm not gay! So you are an IDIOT. And I am hawt, according to people on this site who have a brain. Never comment on this page ever again." [reading] "He is hawt!" See, thank you, that's more like it. "He is butt." Ah, damn it! I'm about to lose my freaking mind! Screw you TexasPoonTappa! Uh!