Pam: He sounds like a wounded animal.
Stanley: Should've put him out of his misery and just fired him.
Phyllis: I can't be around sad people, it makes me sad.
Stanley: I'm the same way with horny people.

Erin: Yes. Pete and I have started seeing each other and Andy still doesn't know. We thought that keeping it secret was more considerate to him. And hot for us. I mean, I saw Pete's butt. It's sick.

Dwight K. Schrute: [jumps out from behind the vending machine] I need you.
Angela: Ah! Dwight!
Dwight K. Schrute: And you should take breaks more often, I've been waiting there for 45 minutes.
Angela: What? What is it?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's my aunt Shirley. She's on her last legs.
Angela: Dwight, that's awful.
Dwight K. Schrute: You have no idea. I mean her hair, clothes, it's all falling off in great big clumps. And we need someone to go out there and clean her up. We had a nurse, but she quit because she was "poisoned" by Aunt Shirley.
Angela: What do you mean by poisoned?
Dwight K. Schrute: Probably nothing. Or strychnine. Or lemonade and strychnine. Which is actually what it was.

Angela: Okay, well I'm very sorry about your aunt.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you.
Angela: But I don't see how this is my problem.
Dwight K. Schrute: Angela. You owe me one, remember? Now please, she's an old woman Angela. She needs a woman's touch. It's all hanging out-
Angela: Ugh.
Dwight K. Schrute: And there's parts of her I don't even recognize.
Angela: Gah.
Dwight K. Schrute: There's this one hanging part in particular, that's some sort of flap.
Angela: It's fine.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's like a prehensile wing or something, you know?
Angela: Ugh! God, I can't. OK, I'll-
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a divet...
Angela: I'll help you!
Dwight K. Schrute: ..where it was and it needs, it needs a...
Angela: Ugh.

Pete: I don't know. Women do tend to move on quicker than men.
Andy: Survey says: Eh! Doesn't make me feel better at all. Zero Clark Thirty, what do you got?
Clark: Look at it this way, being a bachelor is not all bad. I mean, you've got your freedom now.
Andy: Last night I ordered a pizza by myself and I ate it over the sink like a rat.
Clark: There you go. Good for you.
Andy: No.

Dwight K. Schrute: Aunt Shirley, Hello! It's me Dwight.
Shirley: Oh, lookie here. It's big city Dwight. Careful you don't get mud on those fancy town shoes, big city Dwight.
Angela: Hello, Aunt Shirley.
Shirley: Who's this little kitchen witch? She's so tiny like a little kitchen witch.
Dwight K. Schrute: This is Angela, and we brought you some new clothes!
Shirley: New clothes? What for? [Aunt Shirley's boob shows]
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay.
Angela: Oh, God.

Angela: Gosh, she drank so much. And so quickly.
Dwight K. Schrute: In her prime, Shirles could put away homemade schnapps morning noon and night.
Shirley: [coughs and laughs in her sleep]
Dwight K. Schrute: Now all it takes is half a liter. She's dreaming. Alright, let's get her out to the yard so you can spray her down.
Angela: Spray her down?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, it's a lot better than it sounds. There's a private shower area. Very tasteful, very rustic.

Toby: You can't fire Pete. You understand why, right?
Andy: No.
Toby: Oh, Andy, we had this exact same conversation when you wanted to get rid of Nellie. You can't just get rid of people over grudges.
Andy: Nellie was a professional grudge. This is a purely personal grudge.
Toby: Alright, well look. While I have you here, this is a relationship disclosure form for Pete & Erin.
Andy: They already have a contract? "Mutually agree to-" Ah, every phrase is like a dagger in my crotch.
Toby: It's just boiler plating, you don't have to read it.
Andy: Well, I'm not signing away my rights.
Toby: I already signed it. I was just showing you.
Andy: Okay, well we'll see about that. [crumples paper]
Toby: Andy, it's not the original. And destroying it will not stop them from dating. Andy. [Andy throws paper at him and leaves. Toby straightens the paper out] It's the original.

Shirley: Time to get clean!
Dwight K. Schrute: It's hosing time, Aunt Shirley, have a seat. You're gonna have a hard time hearing her over the roar of the hose.
Angela: You have to use chains?
Dwight K. Schrute: You'll see. Here we go.
Shirley: Let's get this show on the road.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let's do it! Ready? Here's a box cutter to get her clothes off.
Angela: Dwight!
Dwight K. Schrute: Let's get to it.
Angela: No! No!
Dwight K. Schrute: Give it a whirl.
Angela: Dwight, I am not gonna hose your aunt down like some animal.
Shirley: Stop your belly-aching and hose me.
Dwight K. Schrute: I need you to hose my aunt.
Angela: No, Dwight!
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, you are useless.
Angela: No, Dwight!
Dwight K. Schrute: Give me the hose!
Angela: No Dwight, I won't- [hoses Dwight]
Dwight K. Schrute: Ah! OK!
Angela: [grunting] I'm gonna give your aunt a proper bath and a haircut like a lady! And you two are gonna shut up about it! Do you have a bathtub?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes ma'am.
Angela: Good.

Mark: This is a tiny resume. Papa Smurf! Come back to the mushroom. [Pam laughs] From The Smurfs Movie.
Pam: Yeah, I've seen that with my kids. Um, it is tiny, but I've actually been commissioned by the City of Scranton to paint a mural-
Mark: What does this say here? To ti te per tat... What language is this? Swahili? Oh wait a second [turns paper around], now I can read it.
Pam: Oh, cause it was upside down. [both laugh]
Mark: You're a good audience. [Pam laughs]
Pam: So um-
Mark: Unlike some of these people around here.
Pam: Yeah, the um, the city commissioned me to do the-
Mark: Yeah, we don't have a lot of call for doodling around here. But I like this resume and here's why. It shows that you stick around. Yeah. You don't jump ship easily. Like a lot of these people. [sighs] I mean they worship me you know? But do they like me? I mean, you think they like me, Pam?
Pam: Yes.
Mark: [gets guitar] What if Bob Dylan was your boss? I'm gonna do Dylan! [playing guitar and singing as Bob Dylan] Pam Halpert is my name, and I've been at Dunder Mifflin for seven years? Eight years? Eight years, man. Got the Dunder Mifflin blues. Got the Pam Halpert blues. Got the pra- Went to the Pratt Institute...You have children?
Pam: Two children, yes.
Mark: You wrote Art and Painting, kinda the same thing. Kinda the same thing. Sometimes I repeat myself, but that's just being Pam. Well, I'm kinda cute and I'm- but I'm married so...leave that be.