Erin: Morning, Meredith.
Pam: What?
Erin: Oh, sorry, Pam. Yikes.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: Jim's been spending a few days a week in Philly and I'm not gonna lie, it's been challenging. Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse. I found out Cece has lice. So I was up all night disinfecting every sheet, towel, toy, item of clothing in the entire house. I'm exhausted. But don't tell Jim. He has a huge meeting today, under a lot of pressure and he's doing it all for the family.

Jim: I am meeting Dr. J today, otherwise known as Julius Irving, famed 76er and my own personal hero. But i have to be careful not to rub it in Pam's face because let's be honest, how would I feel if I was at home stuck with the kids while she was go carting with John Stamos.

Pam: Hey, Meredith, I need your supplier requests today.
Meredith: Jeez H. in the morning. Will you stop your nagging already? No wonder Jim left you.
Pam: He didn't leave me. He just went part time. [Meredith scratches her head vigorously] Can you just fill out the form please?
Meredith: Yes.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: I'm sure she's just confused. People scratch their heads when they're confused. Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did, but it happens.

Dwight K. Schrute: Make way, nope, inspect me.
Erin: Oh, this is the cleanest scalp I've ever seen. You are all clear.
Dwight K. Schrute: Should be. I use lice shampoo every morning. [starts spraying everyone with disinfectant]

Angela: Geez, Meredith, you know, this is an office not one of your bean bag orgies.

Oscar: I wash my hands at least six times a day. Toilet seat covers? Yes, thank you, even when I pee. Apparently, none of that is protection enough. Not when it comes to Meredith.

Pam: Hey, Meredith, I need to tell you something.
Meredith: [shaving her head] Yes, Pam what do you want?
Pam: Oh my God! Meredith, what are you doing!?
Meredith: Baking a cake. What does it look like I'm doing? Getting rid of the lice.
Pam: Oh, stop! I am so sorry!
Meredith: Oh, can you hold that thought? That's my wax. You know, I think these critters migrated from down south. What were you saying?

Erin: Okay, nobody panic. If everybody just follows my instructions, then nobody else needs to end up bald. Not that it looks bad, Meredith. It looks... It looks awesome. You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years. A cute baby, but something sucked the life force out of it. I'm so sorry. We need mayonnaise! We need it now.

Pam: Hey, Creed, wanna be my buddy?
Creed: Oh God. Stuck with the weirdo.

Val: Thank you all for your concern, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, okay?
Kevin: So does this mean you're gonna take Darryl back?
Val: No.
Kevin: Well, then, what do you say to you and me hitting the town? 'Cause I'm free, literally forever.
[aside to camera:]
Val: Yeah, Kevin asked me out. I was kinda feeling good about reentering the dating pool, but then Kevin asked me out. Thought I might trade up to a new level of man. Then Kevin asked me out.