Erin: Ah! Angela had the baby!
Kevin: Is it black? 'Cause that would be hilarious.
Darryl: Why?
Kevin: You know.
Darryl: Would it be more hilarious than Angela having a Chinese baby?
Kevin: A little bit, yeah. Right guys? Back me up.
Ryan: Eh, a little bit.

Gabe: I love maternity wards. It's the perfect blend of love and horror. Things can go so wrong or so right.

Oscar: [whispering] Guys, I don't know how many of you have seen- Gabe? Bring it in. I don't know how many of you have seen a premature baby before. It's going to be really tiny, so please don't say anything offensive.
Kevin: Got that, bimbo?
Erin: Got it, bimbo.

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, everybody, gather 'round. Got a real special surprise for you.
Toby: Ernesto!
Ernesto: Hola, Toby! [mimes choking]

Dwight K. Schrute: Great. And while we're enjoying these delicious empanadas, Jim, why don't you tell us your story again?
Andy: Why? Everybody's heard it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Walk us through it. What time would you get there every morning?
Andy: Hey, Murder She Wrote. How about we drop the whole 'Murder, She Wrote' thing, okay? Jim was at the courthouse for jury duty every morning. How do I know? Because I drove him there.

Jim: Uh, excuse me, can I have everyone's attention for a second? First off, I just want to say that I'm really sorry, I didn't know that my absence last week would have been a burden on any of you, because, though I did have jury duty last week, they did dismiss me early on Monday. And I think you're going to find this pretty hilarious. I kind of, uh, well, maybe took the week off.
Stanley: What?
Jim: Funny? No? Nobody laughing?
Dwight K. Schrute: [laughs] You're screwed! Oh, it's happening. It's really happening.
Stanley: What the hell, Jim? I covered for your bony butt.
Jim: Pam really needed some help with the kids, so, I promise my intentions were good.
Dwight K. Schrute: Your clients. They're all mine.
Darryl: Jim, I got my ass chewed out because one of your orders got messed up. And Andy, you said you drove him to the courthouse.
Andy: Uh, I did, every morning. And if I didn't, then I hope I die.

Gabe: [on voicemail] You've reached Gabe Lewis, I'm currently indisposed. Leave me a message. Ciao. [beep]
Dwight K. Schrute: Gabe, it's Dwight again. Highest priority, triple-urgent. Call me. Immediately. That means ASAP.

Kevin: [giggles] Little Kevin.
Angela: Really?
Oscar: Angela.
Angela: Fine, God. Philip was conceived nine months ago.
Oscar: I knew that, I knew it.
Angela: The senator and I wanted to wait, but we had just seen Thor and there was way too much wine in my chicken piccata.
Oscar: Chicken marsala.
Angela: Right. Um, point is, Philip was conceived out of wedlock.
Oscar: Mm-hmm.
Angela: And now you all know, but you can never tell. I'm serious.

Angela: He's hungry.
Senator Lipton: Oh, that's my cue to leave.
Angela: No, you don't have to. I'm going to wear this cover.
Senator Lipton: Still. Still.
Angela: You won't see-

Jim: Yes, I am brining my kids in to help me get out of this hole. And you all remember my beautiful wife, Pam.
Pam: Hi. Wow, I really thought I'd be more excited to be here.
Jim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Game face, baby, game face.
Pam: Oh right, okay. Hey Stanley, it's great to see you!
Jim: Whoa, no, no. That's overdoing it, I think.
Pam: Oh, hi Stanley.
Jim: Split the difference?
Pam: Jim.