Andy: We're getting buried out there. What was that stuff about the car breaking down?
Jim: Well, I think you handled it pretty well.
Andy: I'm not Rumpelstiltskin, Jim. I can't keep spinning gold out of your [bleep].
Jim: Okay, listen, all right? Dwight's on to us, he's going to figure it out really soon, so let's just get ahead of it, let's tell the truth.
Andy: [sighs] I don't even know what the truth is anymore.

Dwight K. Schrute: All right, well. Let's get this show on the road, shall we? Allow me to give you a hand. [puts Jim's things in a box] Here we are. So long, clump-mate. I'm going to miss you. Truth be told, I never thought that this was how it was going to end. I always thought that I was going to defeat you somehow. But you've defeated yourself. [laughs]
Andy: Dwight, cut it out. I'm not firing Jim.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no. You said- You said that you were-
Andy: I know what I said. Jim, you're in deep doo-doo. Do you understand? I have one thing to say to you, and I'm going to say it in front of this whole office. Look me in the eye. [gives Jim a weak slap]
Dwight K. Schrute: That's it? This is crap! [dumps the box on Jim's desk and leaves]

Oscar: Honestly, I can return this for a larger size.
Angela: It's fine. Pajamas aren't supposed to be baggy, right? It's not the barrio.
Oscar: The only premature baby in this room is the baby this baby ate.

Oscar: Don't you want to see the baby?
Dwight K. Schrute: Pff! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.
Oscar: I promised I wouldn't tell.
Dwight K. Schrute: So don't.
Oscar: Angela got pregnant before the wedding.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Oscar: She got pregnant before the wedding.
Dwight K. Schrute: How long before?
Oscar: A month. [Dwight leaves, Oscar calls after him] You didn't hear it from me!
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, I did.

Pam: Hi, everybody!
Jim: What?
All: Hi.
Pam: How about a little visit?
Jim: Wow, what a surprise. That's crazy. You guys get to meet the little heck-raisers.
Creed: Hey, Angela's back with her baby.

Dwight K. Schrute: Angela, this child is definitely mine. He looks just like me.
Angela: Every baby looks just like you. Your face kind of looks like a baby.
Dwight K. Schrute: Need I remind you that we were together a month before the wedding?
Angela: That is completely untrue.
Dwight K. Schrute: Completely true. Remember?
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: You said that Robert was not fulfilling you-
Angela: I did not. Uh-uh.
Dwight K. Schrute: -and I said, "I bet I could fulfill you," and you said, "I'd like to see you try," and then I kissed you with the force of a thousand waterfalls.
Angela: That didn't happen.
Dwight K. Schrute: And then I inserted my penis-
Angela: No! Stop it!
Dwight K. Schrute: Into your-
Angela: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Vagina and-
Angela: And even if it did, it's just a coincidence.
Dwight K. Schrute: Admit that there is a chance.
Angela: I will not.
Dwight K. Schrute: Admit it. Admit it.
Angela: I will not, it's not-

Darryl: I have a kid. Last week, Jim at home? That was no vacation.

Andy: Dwight, what the hell? You can't smoke in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, right. [sighs] The office looks different now. Huh. Smaller. Maybe I just feel bigger. Hello Gabe.
Gabe: You had something important to tell me?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, you know, I did but now it seems infinitely insignificant.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim? Oh, right. Nah, forget it. He was doing it for his kids. I get it. Kids drive us dads crazy. Sometimes I feel like they're raising us. Am I right?

Andy: His car broke down. So he called me, 'cause I live near the courthouse.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait, wait. You live by the courthouse. So you drove from near the courthouse, out to Jim's house, and then back to the courthouse?
Andy: Thirty minutes out, thirty minutes back, easy hour. And I would watch that cute little tushie scurry up those courthouse stairs every morning and that was that.

Andy: Stress is like the uptight mayor or a town who's saying, "Hey, we're uptight, you can't dance," and then you have to be like, "Oh yeah, Mayor Stress? Well watch this!" And then... We dance. Oh, how we dance. [dances to Kenny Loggin's "Footloose"] ... Sex also works.