Michael Scott: Everybody, so how are we going to energize our office? I mean, I haven't done anything since Christmas. Pam clearly has just given up trying. So what we need to do is we need to get things going.
We need to get percolating a little bit. Anybody have any ideas what we could do? Any suggestions? Yes, Andy?
Andy: What if we changed our outgoing answering machine message so it just had a little more zing and a little more pep?
Michael Scott: Zing and pep. You see, those are the kind of words we're looking for. Yes, Jim?
Jim: What about if we did an even newer voicemail message that had even more zing and pep?

Toby: All right. Well If you really believe that Stanley was joking, why don't we go ask him that?
Michael Scott: Okay, I will. I'm not feeling very well right now, though. My stomach hurts, so I may be going home early today.
Toby: You know, Michael, sometimes my daughter's stomach hurts when there's a mean girl at school.
Michael Scott: Well, sometimes my stomach hurts when you come into my office. So it's probably psychological.

Dwight K. Schrute: Scratch!
Andy: That's a racing stripe.
Dwight K. Schrute: Bumper's sagging.
Andy: Hmm, I doubt that very much.
Dwight K. Schrute: This car is crap. I will buy it for next to nothing.
Andy: How next to?
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, here are your options. You can sell it for parts. Drive it off a cliff. You can donate it to a person that you'd like to see die in a car crash, or you can sell it to me and I'll use it as I would a wagon on my farm. It will be towed by a donkey.
Andy: I have to pick one of those?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Andy: Can you go over those options again?
Dwight K. Schrute: You know what? You knock $1,500 off the price right now and I will take it off your hands. It's gonna be now.
Andy: Well, I have the blue book values-
Dwight K. Schrute: Seal the deal. Let's do this thing. Three, two, one.
Andy: Can I think about it?
Dwight K. Schrute: Five, four, three, two, now.
Andy: Let me think about it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Now. Now. Now. Say it. Do it now. Do it now! Do it. Shake my hand. You will sell me this car. Shake my hand. Yeah, all right!

Stanley: What?
Michael Scott: I see that you gave me that form that I asked you to give me, Stanley the manly. So thank you for that. I guess we are back to normal.
Stanley: What are you talking about?
Michael Scott: Well, you know, the thing that you said earlier that you didn't mean. And that I forgive you for. The whole thing's silly, isn't it? Friends don't need to apologize to friends as far as I'm concerned. So we are cool.
Stanley: I am not going to apologize to you.

Dwight K. Schrute: Jim is in charge of Stanley only in sales-related matters. Hence the green line. Green for money. Sales, get it? There's this yellow zigzag that does give Ryan the authority to discipline Stanley.
Michael Scott: Great.
Dwight K. Schrute: However, in so doing, it zigs past your name, hence zagging you and making you appear weak. Thus the yellow color. Yellow for cowardly.
Michael Scott: What's the pink?
Dwight K. Schrute: Menstrual cycles.

Michael Scott: Okay. Is there anybody up here, anybody at all that can deal with this-
Dwight K. Schrute: You.
Michael Scott: -other than me?
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, there is the emergency disaster mode for the org chart. This gives me full authority over every single person in the office.
Michael Scott: I never said you could do that.
Dwight K. Schrute: All you have to do is say it.
Michael Scott: Okay, I'll think about it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Say it. Just do it. Don't think, say it. Do it. Five, four, three, two... Do it. Give me control. Michael I promise to give authority back to you when this crisis is over. Do it, Michael. Do it. Hey. This office needs a strong man. Say it.
Michael Scott: No.

Michael Scott: Darryl, have you ever been in a gang?
Darryl: Why?
Michael Scott: It's an advice question, and if you don't want to talk about it, I completely understand. It's- Um-
Darryl: No, no.
Michael Scott: I know it's very personal.
Darryl: No, I have.
Michael Scott: I knew it. Okay. Who are we talking about here? Crips, bloods?
Darryl: Both.
Michael Scott: God.
Darryl: Yeah, them and the latin kings. The warriors, Newsies.
Michael Scott: Okay. Okay, so dig this. You're on the street and one of your gang disses you.
Darryl: Oh, my goodness.
Michael Scott: Yeah, right. So, what do you do to get him to make it right?
Darryl: Well, see in the gang world, we use something called fluffy fingers.
Michael Scott: What is that?
Darryl: That's where if somebody really gets in your face, you know, just start tickling them.
Michael Scott: Really?
Darryl: Yeah. And he starts tickling you. You know, pretty soon you're laughing and hugging. Before you know it, you've forgotten the whole thing. Y'all can just go to church together and get an ice cream cone.
Michael Scott: I would have never thought that gangs would be tickling each other.
Darryl: Well, it's effective.

Andy: What the hell is this all about? You're flipping my car for profit.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's my car now.
Andy: I gave you a deal based on what you said to me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, well seller beware. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to monitor a three-way bidding war for my car on eBay.

Oscar: Why are you telling us this?
Michael Scott: Because I want you to behave as if I'm actually firing him, Oscar, okay?
Kevin: Michael, if you hadn't told us this, then we would've thought that you were actually firing him.
Michael Scott: I'm not firing him! I'm not- I will need you to act like I am firing him. Just what I'm going to do is I'm going to pretend that I'm firing him. And I need you to act like I am firing him. Do you get that? Do you get it? I'm teaching him a lesson. He needs to learn humility, all right? That's all- I'm Okay, here he comes. Let's just play act.

Kevin: It's Michael versus Stanley, and it is the clash of the titans. In one corner, you have Michael, and he is mad. And then in the other corner, you have Stanley, and he's mad. So that's about it.