Andy: [as an old man] Hey, what's goin' on over here? Some sort of singing competition for the young'uns?
Casey: You're back!
Andy: No, it's me, Andy!
Casey: No, I know.
Andy: No, no, no. I'm wearing makeup.
Casey: You did a really great job. You even look shorter.
Andy: Oh, I took out my lifts.
Casey: Oh.
Andy: Yeah, unlike Andy Bernard, this character is my real height.

Oscar: [holding Philip] Listen, listen. Shh, buddy. Stanley's sleeping. You don't want to wake up the grumpy old walrus, do you?
Stanley: [weakly] I heard that.

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, you want me to take the little diaper blaster? Pam can attest, there's no one better at getting brats to shut their yaps.
Pam: He does have a gift.
Oscar: Well, he's calling for his mom, but, okay, here, here you go. Careful, he bites.
Philip: Mama.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. [takes Philip who immediately stops crying] You ever been in a manager's office before?

Andy: I am going in there! Don't—
Check-in guy: No, you're not, sir.
Andy: Don't—don't—
Check-in guy: Please don't.
Andy: Don't touch me.
Check-in guy: I'm not touching you. Okay? [Andy makes a run for it]
Casey: Run, old man! Run! Run! Run for your life! Get off. Don't you dare. Don't get—I could see it. You were gonna get handsy with me. Not interested. I'm Casey Dean! You'll be seeing the last of me. Er, I meant you won't be seeing the last of me!

Oscar: Hey. Did you manage to feed him? I don't know what it is. He just keeps spitting out the nipple.
Dwight K. Schrute: That is because this baby is of superior intelligence. He can tell when he's being tricked out of the experience of a real human breast.
Kevin: He's not that smart. He doesn't know where I hid his duck.

Andy: [interrupting contestant singing "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera] Hi. You're still here. Oh, thank god. Clay Aiken, Santigold, Aaron Rodgers. You're like, my three favorite people ever.
Excuse me. What is this?
Andy: [shushing contestant] Sweetheart, you're amazing, okay? You're obviously gonna be on the show, so it's someone else's turn now. Yeah, go ahead. All right, um, [old man voice] My name is Ezra Cornell and I'm just a kindly old fellow with a song in my heart.
Aaron Rodgers: No, you're a middle-aged man with a lot of makeup on.
Andy: Busted. Yes, got it. All right. Tried to get your attention with tricks, but you just want to hear me sing, I respect that.
Clay Aiken: [chuckling] No, we do not want to hear you sing.
Santigold: Gabriella was our last audition. Thank you. Goodbye.
Andy: Nope! Can't end like this. Slept in my car last night, quit my job, burned all my bridges. I went to the bathroom on my boss's car. And I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern.
Aaron Rodgers: Flag on the play.
Andy: That's- That's what- Yeah. Okay, all right, well, here's the song. [singing] Far above Cayuga's waters, with her waves so blue, stands our noble alma mater—
Santigold: What is this song?
Andy: Are you insane? It's the Cornell fight song.
Clay Aiken: Listen, all right, thank you very much, we're not interested.
Andy: You didn't let me finish. That's not fair.
Aaron Rodgers: Look, man, you're not terrible, but we've heard a lot of really good singers today and you're just not good enough.
Andy: Wow, you guys are really mean. I guess that's the show. Let me try a different song, okay?
Aaron Rodgers: Can he do this?
Andy: [singing] Hey, hobo man, hey, dapper Dan, you both got your style, but, brother, you're never fully dressed without a smile. [falters at the judges' reactions] Yeah. Your clothes may be Beau Brummelly—
Santigold: Look, you gotta go. [Andy drops to his knees, sobbing] You can't just sit here and cry.
Andy: Oh I can so just sit here and cry!

Oscar: Hey, Kev, how you doing, buddy?
Kevin: Can't hear you. I'm giving you the silence treatment. How does it feel being ignored?

Oscar: Okay, I guess, it's just that Philip got you something.
Angela: Yeah, a $25 gift card, iTunes.
Oscar: I think there's, like, $7 left.
Angela: It's just his way of saying, "Thanks for letting me hang out in accounting."
Kevin: Philip got this for me?
Oscar: Sure.
Kevin: That was a really cool move.
Angela: Would you like to hold Philip? [hands over Philip] Yeah. That's Kevin.
Kevin: Whoa.
Oscar: Easy.
Kevin: What a chubbers. Whoa.
Angela: Okay, watch it.
Kevin: I'm losing my balance.
Angela: No, Kevin, no.
Oscar: Hey, no.
Kevin: Whoa!
Oscar: No horseplay.
Angela: Stop it.
Kevin: You wanna play with the cactus?
Angela: No, no!

Erin: We have our decision.
Darryl: You chose one thing?
Erin: We want to dance with you.
Darryl: You want to dance?
Erin: One dance, all of us together.
Darryl: This is what you want?
Erin: Absolutely.
Darryl: Better get some decent speakers up here then, cause we're gonna do this right.

Pam: What's this?
Jim: Well, I've been trying to tell you how I feel, and you wouldn't believe me, so [shows her the DVD] I needed a little help.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim! I need my assistant to the regional manager. Code red.
Jim: Okay, I don't have my pocket code chart on me, right now, so.
Dwight K. Schrute: [throws the "now" beanbag at Jim] Now.
Jim: I have an assistant now, who can help you with whatever you need. He is lazy, so crack the whip.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim. I'm not kidding. I need you.
Pam: Go ahead.
Jim: Okay, um, this is... [leaves the DVD with her] I'll be right back.