Frankie: Hey, what are you doing? You're not answering another Craigslist ad, are you? I told you, we're not getting a four-person pedal boat.
Brick: I'm off that. Too impractical. We're a family of five. Anyway, I'm calling the pretzel information line to inform them the decrease in salt crystals has not gone unnoticed.
Frankie: So, this is just regular odd behavior? This isn't gonna cost me anything?
Brick: Toll-free call, just like the Bureau of Land Management. [whispers] Bureau of Land Management.
Male Voice: [on phone] Hi, and welcome to the Sutter Farms family of products. From industrial cleaning solvents to our delicious baked goods, we're there for you. If you have a question or comment, press 1. If you have an idea for a new Sutter Farms product, press 2.
Brick: Ooh. As a matter of fact, I do.

Brick: Aw, man. I got to go put on another pot. It's gonna be a long night.
Mike: Brick, you don't work for the pretzel company. They're not counting on your ideas. Turn off the light and go to bed.
Brick: You just don't get it, Dad. You don't have a creative job.
Mike: You don't, either!
Brick: Look, I'm gonna get a call from Corporate in St. Paul, Minnesota, and I've got to deliver. You only get one shot in this game, and if I blow it, it's gonna kill me with the candy-bar people, the cereal people, the popcorn people...
Mike: Brick, I need to sleep. I got to work tomorrow.
Brick: God, I envy how mindless your job is.

Frankie: [v.o.] Out here in the middle, we're not caviar, champagne, or theater people. We like pretzels, beer, and TV.
Brick: 36 salt specks.
Mike: You count the number of salt specks?
Brick: You don't count?
Mike: No. No, I don't. That's another one in the "Just You" column.
Brick: Mm. There are fewer specks than there used to be. They're clearly cutting back on salt. Isn't that the point of the pretzel to have it be both salty and crunchy? Otherwise, it's toast.
Mike: Remember the rule no talking when the TV's on?
Brick: But the TV's always on.
Mike: And why do you think that is?

Rita Glossner: What's your deal against my chimes? My chimes are pretty. I'm trying to beautify the neighborhood. [tosses cigarette butt]
Frankie: Yeah. Oh, beauty is good. Could always use more beauty. Never met anyone who said "Go easy on the beauty," right?
Rita Glossner: I am trying to cultivate a sense of inner peace 'cause I just came back from a 6-to-9-month mandatory... spa.
Frankie: Oooh! Spa! Well, that explains why you look so relaxed.
Rita Glossner: I got a lot of rage in me. Probably 'cause I'm going through the pre-menopause. I'm not sleeping, I'm hot all the time. I mean, I still like sex plenty. That's not an issue, like it is with you. No wonder you only got three kids if you sleep in that.
Frankie: Well... they all look the same tossed at the foot of the bed. Am I right? [chuckles] Anyhoo... rest assured you will not be hearing a peep out of me, at least when I'm awake. The conscious me loves the wind chimes.
Rita Glossner: Well, if you want to stay conscious... you better.
Frankie: [chuckles] Well, I guess you have to get going, 'cause your ankle bracelet is flashing. [Rita runs off]

Brick: Were there any calls for me? I left my name and number with the pretzel people, and they're gonna call back. I have an idea for them.
Frankie: Really? What do you got?
Brick: Well, you know how people take pretzels and dip them in cheese? What if you take the cheese and put it inside the pretzel? Boom!
Frankie: They already have those, Brick.
Brick: What?
Frankie: Yeah. We don't buy them 'cause they're a dime more.
Brick: What am I gonna do when they call back?! I've got nothing! I need a new idea. I'll be in my room. [o.s.] Peanut butter?
Mike: Done.
Brick: [o.s.] Oh!

[Rita Glossner is on the Hecks' lawn throwing the chocolates at their house]
Rita Glossner: So, you gonna be my friend now, hmm? You think that you can buy me with your free chocolates that the insurance company sent?
Frankie: No. I ate the insurance chocolates. I bought those special for you.
Rita Glossner: You don't want to be my friend. You trying to "manipilate" me. I will not be "manipilated".
Frankie: Trust me, Rita -- I'm not trying to... "manipilate" you.
Rita Glossner: I don't believe you. I thought we'd put the past behind us, but I guess not. You hurt my feelings. You know what you are? You're a mean girl. Mm-hmm. You're a mean girl and a bully, and the whole neighborhood knows it.
Frankie: What?! I am not a bully! I'm nice. I sent you chocolates. I used the good stationery. I never even use stationery! You know what, Rita? You're the bully. And I'm not scared of you.
[When Frankie throws a chocolate back at Rita, it hits her square in the face]

Frankie: [gasps] Oh, my God. What happened?
Mike: She's a nut, Frankie. She literally went up a tree and dropped on me like a cat.
Frankie: Well, I mean, what did she expect? You had to go over there. What were we supposed to do? We were all going crazy with those wind chimes.
Mike: That's the thing, Frankie... I wasn't. I barely even heard the damn things before you started going on and on about them. But you started yelling out windows and writing on stationery, and you got me all riled up about it.
Frankie: What do you mean I got you riled up?
Mike: You rile me up about everything. You riled me up about Sue. I didn't let her go to a kid's party. I don't care if Sue goes to a party. I trust Sue.
Sue: Aw, Dad.
Mike: You know what else? I didn't mind it when the mailman wasn't bundling our mail into rubber bands. But I yelled at him anyway. And I didn't care when The Frugal Hoosier started charging a nickel a bag, but I marched into the manager's office, and I scared the hell out of a 16-year-old boy. The truth is, I don't mind anything. But you mind everything, so then I got to mind it, and you know why? 'Cause if mama ain't happy, then nobody's happy.
Frankie: [sighs] But I'm happy. And it's not like I told you to do any of that stuff.
Mike: Oh, really? So, when you tell me there's a spider in the bathroom, y-y-you don't want me to do anything. You're just giving me the bug report?

Brick: Well, this was fun, but I got to get back to work. I'm in serious crunch time. Oh. Crunch time. It's not a new pretzel. It's a new way of thinking about pretzels. I'm not product development. I'm advertising. I'm a slogan man! I'm gonna need a piano.

Brick: "Dear valued customer, thank you for your recent call to our idea hotline. Please enjoy the enclosed with our compliments." "10 cents off your next purchase of Sutter Farms pretzels". [gasps] My first paycheck!

Brick: There's an 800 number on the back. It says they're excited to hear my questions and comments. Hmm. We'll see about that. I'm not a yes man. I'm gonna tell it like it is.