Mike: I can't believe this.
Frankie: Hey. I didn't hear you complaining when I busted 'em.
Mike: That's because I assumed you were busting 'em with integrity. Now I know you just stock up on smokes and dispatch your little flying monkey.
Frankie: Look, Mike, they're young, they're crafty, and there's more of 'em. We need every advantage we can get.
Mike: It's just not right, Frankie. And what if they find out about your little system? Then what?
Frankie: They're not gonna find out, because you're the only one who knows, and I think we've established that you don't like tattling.

Sue: [gasps] I have a gun! No, I don't believe in guns. I have a stick!
Axl: God. You're even a dork when your life is threatened.
Sue: Axl, wh- It's 1:00 in the morning. Where were you? Dad said, if you mess up one more time, you're not going to the lake.
Axl: I was at Darrin's, playing Halo and eating cereal. Now are you gonna be cool about this, or you gonna be a snitch like Brick?
Sue: Brick's a snitch?
Axl: Apparently, he's been doing Mom's dirty work for years. I overheard Mom and Dad fighting about it.
Sue: Wow.
Axl: Look, I need to know you're not gonna tell Mom and Dad about this.
Sue: And I need to know that you're gonna drive me and Brad to the mall tomorrow.
Axl: Why would I drive you and Brad to the- Oh.

Sue & Brad: [sing] If you're looking down to read a text You won't see what happens next [imitate explosions and screams] 'Cause you're dead, you're dead, you're d-d-d-d-dead!
Carly: This is so exciting. I feel like I'm backstage.
Axl: You know, technically, backstage would be in the trunk. If you guys want to go back there, I'll totally let you out before you suffocate.
Brad: Sue. Vocal exercises. Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.
Sue: Gutta-butta, gutta-butta, butta-gutta, butta-gutta.
Both: Mee-moo, tee-too, bee-boo, gee-goo.
Axl: Kill me, kill you, kill he, kill Sue.
Sue: Okay, Axl. You can pick us up right here after the show.
Brad: We'll probably be about an hour and a half unless we do an encore. Oh, who am I kidding? Of course we're gonna do an encore.

Mr. Ehlert: [into microphone] Don Ehlert here, and this place is swarming with customers, so get on down here and get yours while the getting is good.
Pete: 7 million people watch the Indy 500, and you couldn't get one of them down here with your dumb idea.
Frankie: Yeah. At least I had something. Fish-face had more ideas than you.
Mr. Ehlert: So zoom on down to Ehlert Motors before all the deals are gone. How do you go to music on this thing? Come on, music, music.
Bob: [sings] We're here at Ehlert's And we're selling lots of cars There's a really cool yellow one And we got other colors If yellow's not your thing

Brad: That... was... amazing.
Sue: Oh, do you think they liked it?
Brad: Are you kidding? Some of 'em even slowed down to watch.
Carly: The death montage was the best I've ever seen it.
Sue: Oh, when you rode the escalator as if it was taking you to heaven... Goosebumps.
Brad: We are gonna rock that gig at the senior center tomorrow. I'm just gonna leave my dance shoes in the car.
Axl: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not driving you anywhere else.
Sue: The show is at 3:45, so we should probably leave by 3:00. After all, we wouldn't want to be lake.
Brad: I am on a serious performance high. I cannot go straight home. Who's down for some... Fro-yo? [Sue screams]

Mike: Brick, let me tell you something. Tattling is wrong, and it's a weenie thing to do, and if you keep on doing it, you're not gonna be very popular.
Brick: I'm not very popular now. That's kind of why I need the candy.
Mike: Well, your bribing days are over.
Brick: But Mom says telling on people is a good thing. She said any parent who doesn't want to know things is living in denial.

Brick: You want to know what else she said?
Mike: No, actually, I don't.
Brick: It's about you.
Mike: Don't care.
Brick: Pretty juicy.
Mike: Still don't care, 'cause it's tattling, and tattling is wrong. [takes another bite of the candy cigarette]
Brick: I'm confused. You're telling me to do one thing, and Mom's telling me to do another. Who should I listen to?
Mike: Well, that depends. Do you want to be a flying monkey mama's boy snitch? Or do you want to be a man?
Brick: Wow. Mom was right about you.
Mike: Still don't care.

Mike: [answers phone] Hello?
Frankie: How's it going? Have they put out the sign-up sheet yet? Where are you sitting?
Mike: Uh, I'm at Brick's desk, in the world's tiniest chair.
Frankie: What? No, no, no. You have to be up front. That's where the clipboards are gonna be. Move up now.
Mike: Okay, okay, relax.
Frankie: Has the teacher started talking yet?
Mike: Not yet.
Frankie: Okay, listen. The minute she stops talking, you gotta make a beeline for those sign-up sheets like it's the last chopper out of Vietnam.

Mike: Excuse me. Do you have a pen I can borrow?
Woman: Oh, I'm sorry. I don't. I need all of them in case one runs out.
Frankie: [on the phone] Did you find one? Mike? Mike? Mike?!
Mike: What?!
Frankie: Did you find a pen?!
Mike: Found a pencil.
Frankie: Mike!
Mike: I mean a pen. I have a pen. Everything's fine. I got this. Excuse me. Um, I'm not gonna have any trouble signing up for volunteering, am I?
Room Mom: Oh, not at all. There'll be plenty of spaces on every sign-up sheet.
Mike: Thank you. Did you hear that? Room mom's not worried at all.
Frankie: Of course she's not worried, you fool. She's the room mom! She's in the inner circle. She probably signed up herself and five of her friends weeks ago.

[Axl stops the car and dials his cellphone]
Axl: [on the phone] Hi, Mom. It's Axl. I just wanted to tell you that on Monday, I snuck out of the house, and I didn't get home until 1:00 in the morning. I realize that by violating curfew and not telling you where I was, I have lost my chance to go to the lake this weekend. [hangs up] [to Sue] Get out.
Sue: What?
Axl: Get out.
Sue: Well, you're not gonna get away with this, Axl. You're gonna be in really big trouble.
Axl: I'm already in trouble.
Sue: Well, you can't just leave me here alone.
Axl: Better start walking. Don't want to get home too lake!