Mike: Have you seen the top of the tree?
Frankie: No.
Mike: You didn't take it into the bathroom, did you?
Frankie: Yeah, I took the top of the tree into the bathroom.
Mike: I'm just saying. I find the remote in there all the time.

Axl: I know one guy who won't be in that bag.
Sean: I know what you're getting at, Axl, and I'm not gonna sink to your level.
Axl: I'm just saying, if we want to be factually correct... and we are professionals... King Moonracer would not be in that bag, 'cause he's not a toy.
Sean: He's obviously a toy! All of the unwanted toys have some problem that makes them a misfit. His is that he's a lion with wings!
Axl: Would you listen to yourself? "Lion with wings"... where's the problem? That's not misfit. That's just awesome.
Darrin: Guys...
Sean: If he were a real lion with wings, he wouldn't hang out at the North Pole. He'd be flying around Africa, picking up gazelles and eating them.
Axl: Oh, there you go, throwing around facts... "Meh, meh, lions live in Africa." You always got to be right, don't you? That's so Donahue.
Sean: It's got nothing to do with me being a Donahue! It's about thinking things through. You think you're so cool, you can just say whatever dumb thing you want... people just agree with the Ax Man. Well, guess what. Those days are over.
Axl: You're such a know-it-all.
Sean: Yeah, well, you're a know-it-nothing.
Axl: Idiot!
Sean: Jerk! [they fight]

Sue: Brick, Mom says she's not getting sucked into the trappings. Tell her she can't do that.
Brick: Is this 'cause you think the holiday should be more about Jesus?
Frankie: S-sure. That too. But right now, for me, it's just more about laying around and watching TV, eating my mom's fudge, and actually having fun at Christmas for once.
Axl: But you can't just, like, lay around all Christmas.
Frankie: Why can't I? You do it all the time. As a matter of fact... [removes her pants] Okay. There. Now, this is the way to relax. I think you're onto something, Axl.
Axl: Good god! Cover yourself!
Frankie: Stop it!
Axl: Aah!
Frankie: Let me enjoy my Christmas!

Sue: Oh, really? Well, if it's my fault, why is Mom sitting around with no pants on? I think we all know who that lesson's for.
Brick: You know, the Kirkwoods just went through a very similar situation with their grandma. Jill had to put her in assisted living. But she's very happy, though. They show Hot in Cleveland in the bridge room.
Axl: Okay, I change my vote. It's definitely Brick.

Frankie: Look, you don't have to apologize for anything. You didn't do anything wrong.
Sue: Then why don't you put on some pants and bake cookies?
Frankie: [chuckles] Hey, I am totally pro-cookie here. I'm just not doing it.
Brick: Well, how about the Christmas letter? When are you gonna write that?
Frankie: Look, for years, I ran myself ragged, but this year, I just hit the Christmas wall. Don't let me stop you, though. If you guys want that stuff, go. Do. I'm just enjoying the not doing.
Sue: Oh, my god. Mom's lost her spirit. I've heard this happens to old people. First it's the spirit, then it's the knees.
Frankie: Mm, mm, mm! Look, look, look! Now the guys are being chased by the policía. You got to remember In these countries, sometimes the policía are not actually the policía.

Darrin: Guys, this is ridiculous. We're not even talking to each other now?
Sean: Maybe he's right. We've been friends since we were 4. We're like brothers. But clearly, we got to have an answer on this King Moonracer thing.
Axl: All right. Here's the plan. We sequester Darrin away with no outside influence. He watches the entire Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer special, and whatever he decides, we live with it, no matter what.
Sean: Done.
Darrin: Wow. Our whole, entire friendship is at stake. This is serious business. I will watch this cartoon for you.

Brick: Axl, I need your help. Dad won't let me write anything bad in the Christmas letter, but I can't think of one good thing that's happened to the family this year.
Axl: Not now, Brick. We're in the middle of something important here.
Sue: Darrin wants to know if he can rewind. [Axl and Sean inhale deeply]
Sean: First impressions only.
Axl: Yeah, we don't want Darrin thinking too much.

Mike: Look, you sent me to Jasper. Jasper sent me to Bedford. Then Bedford sent me to Clay City. All I know is, it's two days before Christmas and I still don't have a tree. Just sell me the floor model, and I'll get out of here.
Danny: Oh, I'm sorry. That's tree's just a display. I can't sell it.
Mike: Why not?
Danny: Because if I did, people wouldn't know we have that tree for sale.
Mike: But you don't have that tree for sale.
Danny: Yes, but we have a shipment coming in.
Mike: Well, how about you sell me the floor model, then when the shipment comes in, you make one of those the floor model?
Danny: Whoa! That's not how we do things here.
Mike: [sighs] All right. Let me talk to your manager.
Danny: I am the manager.
Mike: Then let me speak to your supervisor.
Danny: Actually, there is no one above me that you can talk to about this matter.
Mike: Really? There's no one above you? You're in charge of the whole store? You're the C.E.O. of Homeville? At the end of the day, you hop into your private jet and fly off to your lake house? You? Danny?
Danny: I-I might.

Frankie: Nancy, I'm fine. In fact, I'm great. For the first time, I am free from the holidays. You get brainwashed into thinking if you don't go overboard, the whole world's gonna fall apart. I'm telling you, it's the magazines and the papers and the malls... all a part of this giant corporate thing called "big Christmas."
Nancy: Frankie, what are you saying?
Frankie: It was said, "Unto them a leader was born to show them a new path." Oh, Nancy, take off your pants and join me.
Nancy: But... But you have to have the smell of cookies baking.
Frankie: Do you, Nancy? Do you?
Nancy: What about wrapping the garage door like a giant Christmas present? The custom-made nutcracker for each member of the family?
Frankie: Imagine a world where you don't do those things. Imagine a world where you don't stay up till 3:00 in the morning making your white-chocolate-covered pretzel rings. What would happen, Nancy? What if you just said... "No"?
Nancy: I got to go! I'm caroling later!
Frankie: Coward!

Mike: I see you wrapped the presents.
Frankie: [sighs] Mike, I know it was an unconventional Christmas, but I got to say, I really enjoyed it.
Mike: Yeah, well, you needed a break. I'm just happy to see you happy.
Frankie: Aw. If there was mistletoe up, I'd kiss you.
Mike: Mm. [sighs] It's funny... for me, I always kind of enjoyed all the Christmas stuff.
Frankie: Hmm.
Mike: Didn't really get that in my house growing up. I mean, after my mom died, it was just a bunch of guys. Nobody was gonna decorate. [chuckles lightly] In fact... I didn't really ever celebrate Christmas until I met you. Anyway, I'm sure the kids will be up early. I'm gonna go to bed. [kisses Frankie and exits]
Frankie: [to herself] Aw, crap.