Sue: Congratulations, Brick. You won fair and square. I'll turn in my uniform on Monday and erase my name from the schedule. That's why we write it in pencil.
Brick: Wait, Sue, don't do that. I'm the one who should quit.
Sue: What? Why?
Brick: [sighs] It means more to you than it does to me. Plus I keep licking the potatoes. They're gonna catch me eventually, so I might as well quit now. It started out 'cause they were salty, but then it became this thing where I convinced myself that if I didn't lick them, Mom and Dad would die.
Sue: Brick, you can't lick the potatoes.
Axl: Man, you are such a weirdo.
Brick: Call me weird, but I've got two living parents.

Sue: [groans] I'm starving. Where's the blue bag? Did you bring the blue bag?
Frankie: The new blue bag is yellow, and I have no idea where it is.

Mike: You sure we're in the right parking lot?
Frankie: Yeah, yeah, I told the kids to meet us outside the abandoned Penney's. Or did I say the abandoned Sears?
Mike: What about the abandoned Wet Seal?
Frankie: No, that's been gone a while. They turned it into a Claire's Boutique, and now it's a Marine recruiting center.
Mike: Well, they'll find us.

Mike: Oh, by the way, I called the credit-card company and had them take that $5 charge off. It turns out that RNJ is just the parent company of some coffee place called the Golden Bean. And I told them, "We don't drink fancy coffee, so that couldn't be us."
Frankie: Oh, yeah. That was me.
Mike: What? I thought we agreed we'd only have coffee at home, at school events, and the Jiffy Lube.
Frankie: Look, I was stressed from taking care of my mom and I passed a coffee place and I said, "I want a damn coffee." Yeah, that's how I said it in my head. I said "damn." That's how much I wanted it. It was a one-time thing, okay? Don't you ever want to treat yourself?
Mike: I don't see the point. You get used to nice things, and then you got to come back to this.

Frankie: [v.o.] When you're cooking for Thanksgiving, timing is everything. You want to wait till that perfect moment when the center is warm and the edges are crispy and golden-brown.
Frankie: [sighs] I might have left it in too long.
Mike: So, we're finally eating that?
Frankie: We're almost that poor, but not yet. No, this is my Thanksgiving tradition. I heat the quilt in the oven till it's warm enough for the sweet potatoes to go in, and then the warm quilt helps my stiff neck. When you have a 30-year-old pillow, you need that.
Mike: And a 50-year-old neck.
Frankie: Okay, it's Thanksgiving. Pace yourself. Once we get to Janet's, we have to look like the happiest married couple on Earth.
Mike: That would be a lot easier to do if we weren't at Janet's.
Frankie: [mouth full] Hey, it's not my first choice, either, but it's closest to Mom and Dad's, so that's where we're doing it. Get these away from me.

Mike: Look at this. Did you charge $4.75 to some place called RNJ?
Frankie: RNJ?
Mike: Yeah.
Frankie: That doesn't ring a bell. What day was it?
Mike: November 7th. What were you doing that day?
Frankie: I don't know. What do we do every day? Probably watching TV. Are you sure it wasn't yours?
Mike: Not mine. This seems like one of those fraud things where they steal your number and do some little test charge before they go wild and buy a bunch of flat screen TVs. I had better call the credit-card company. This could take a while, so I don't know if I'm gonna be able to make it to Janet's for dinner.
Frankie: Nice try. You're going.

Sue: [over PA] Keyshawn, your potato is ready. Your potato is ready, Keyshawn. Enjoy your Thanksgiving potato. And come back tomorrow for our leftover turkey sandwich potato. It's bread, turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes inside a day-old potato.
Brick: Uh, Sue, someone needs to clean the bathroom. The plug-in air freshener's fighting a losing battle in there.
Sue: You know, this sounds like a job for the new guy.
Brick: Why, yes! I believe you're right! Oh, new guy! [Axl sighs]
Sue: Um, Axl, the bathroom has to be cleaned once an hour. Didn't you read the manual?
Brick: And you didn't de-crust the cheese nozzle. Now we have to use the real cheese.
Axl: Yeah, I'm not doing that. When I was asked to work here, it was put into my contract that I do not have to do gross stuff. Ow!
Sue: No, you were not asked to work here. You begged to work here because you got fired from being a bus driver. And we all have to do gross stuff, Axl. Everything here is gross. [chuckles nervously as she sees a customer]

Sue: Oh, my gosh, Mom, you are not gonna believe this. Edwin said we have to decide amongst ourselves which one of us is gonna be fired. How are we supposed to do that? Who's it gonna be?
Axl & Brick: Sue.
Sue: What?! No! I'm the one who found Spudsy's. I've been there for years. It's like family.
Axl: Okay, then Brick's got to go.
Brick: Why me?
Axl: Uh, for starters, I can see over the counter.
Brick: Stop moving the step stool.
Axl: Look, I'm a college graduate. I need a paying job in order to contribute around the house. Sue just needs to go shopping at Forever Dork, and Brick, instead of using his money to buy friends, blows it all on Planet Nowhere figurines, thus continuing his cycle of friendlessness.

Brick: If Dad doesn't want to drive, I'll drive.
Sue: No, Brick, you're not allowed. Remember the cow incident?
Brick: Yeah, but that was a year ago.
Frankie: Honey, we would let you, but you have to be 16.
Brick: I turned 16 three weeks ago.
Frankie: Oh. [sings] Happy birthday to y...
Brick: Save it. Come on. Let me drive.
Mike: Sorry, buddy. We don't do that on trips.
Brick: Yes, we do. Sue got to drive. I don't remember what trip we were on, but I know she got to drive.
Axl: I believe that was the one where you made us take a side trip to see your Internet hillbilly girlfriend.
Brick: Oh, right! I wonder if she's still single. Anyway, I guess you're right. I don't have to drive. Mom and Dad can just take me everywhere I need to go for the rest of my life.

Mike: [on the phone] Okay, well, thanks for the 20 minutes on hold and being no help. [hangs up] [sighs] Turns out 'cause I called in the fraudulent charge which wasn't fraudulent, they canceled the card, and they're sending us a new one.
Frankie: So, when's it arriving?
Mike: A drone's delivering it any minute.
Sue: Hmm. [all look up]
Mike: Oh, for God's sake, it's coming on Monday.