Mike: Frankie, how much cash you got?
Frankie: Where's my wallet? Oh, shoot. At the last minute, I switched to a cross-body purse. See? This is a cross-body. I wanted it to look nice to impress Janet. Cross-bodies are cuter and younger-looking because cross-bodies...
Mike: Stop saying "cross-bodies"!

Mike: I'm gonna call the credit-card people again. And, Frankie, if you see a nice trucker, hike up your pants and show them your non-bruised leg. Non-bruised.

Frankie: Oh, hey, guys, when we're sitting around the table saying what we're thankful for, nobody say stealing from mall fountains. Aunt Janet doesn't need to know that.
Axl: That's okay. I already got something else to be thankful for. I have secured my position as a Spudsy's employee. I was able to recite all the ingredients of the secret sauce... something that two giant Spudsy nerds could not do.
Sue: I still don't know how you did it.
Axl: Um, 'cause I'm smart. The first letter of all the ingredients... basil, onions, oil, garlic, emulsifier, ranch dressing... spell "booger."
Sue: Oh!
Brick: And then there were two.

Frankie: No, listen, this is gonna be great. [horn honks]
[When the Hecks pull alongside the car and wave, the family all give them the finger]
Frankie: Oh, my God. Did you see that?
Sue: That was so mean.
Frankie: What is wrong with the world? You pay somebody's toll, and that's how they repay you?
Mike: Yeah, the world's a rough place now. In my day, people would go out of their way to help you. They'd stop what they were doing and... and... and give you a push to the service station. If you needed gas, they'd give you some gas, send you on your way. You'd pay them back when you could. Maybe with a dozen eggs or something.

Brick: Look, as soon as you get another job, you're gonna quit anyway. Why not just quit now?
Axl: I can't get a job unless I have a job. Nobody wants to hire someone who's not working.
Sue: But you don't know anything. You keep over-storing the sour cream, which makes it separate back into liquid and powder.
Axl: Brick's always stealing the plastic forks!
Brick: Mom tells me to do that!

Brick: Well, looks like Axl's gonna luck out 'cause our shift's over.
Axl: Great. Let's hit that tip jar and get out of here.
Sue: Okay, Axl, before you get your paws on it, the way it works is we split the tips evenly, and if it doesn't come out even, we rotate who gets the extra penny. [When Sue empties the tip jar, a lone piece of paper falls out]
Axl: Oh, if that's a prayer, I'm gonna be so pissed.
Brick: "Happy Thanks-taking. We took your tips." I'm filled with ire, but I love this guy's handwriting.

Edwin: All right, listen up. First of all, Happy Thanksgiving. Secondly, great work today. Thirdly, somebody's fired. Yeah.
Axl, Sue & Brick: What?!
Edwin: Mm-hmm. Yeah. So, uh, you may have noticed I haven't been around much lately. Turns out my trip to New York to audition for SNL did not go as planned. I guess my aunt riding up the elevator with Bobby Moynihan isn't exactly the "in" I thought it was. Anywhoo, I'm gonna be around more, so we don't need as many minimum-wage employees. Now, I've been agonizing over who to fire, when I thought, "Wait, I can't do this. You guys are family." [Sue sighs] So figure it out amongst yourselves.

Sue: Mom, you get it, right? Axl should resign.
Frankie: No, no, no, no. Don't drag me into this. It's never a good idea for a parent to take sides. I love all of my children equally.
Mike: I'd fire Brick.
Frankie: Mike!
Mike: What? Sue was there first, and Axl has a point. He's an adult, and he needs a job.
Axl: Ha! In your face!
Sue: Well, I guess it's over. Dad decided.
Brick: No, no, not, "Dad decided." I distinctly remember Edwin saying we have to decide amongst ourselves, and Edwin's our boss. At least until he's the new cast member on SNL.
Sue: Oh, he really is good. He does a spot-on George the security guard. [Southern accent] "Mall's closing in 10 minutes!" [chuckles] [normal voice] Well, you have to be there.
Mike: Do I have to be here?

Axl: No, Brick's right. Edwin left it up to us. All in favor of Sue quitting, raise your hand. [Axl and Brick raise their hands] The people have spoken. Sue is out.
Sue: Uh, you can't do that.
Axl: I can't, and I did.
Sue: That doesn't make any sense!
Axl: Your face doesn't make any sense.
Sue: Oh, shut up, shut up your stupid mouth!

Frankie: All right, that's enough! Why is it every time you people get in the car, you have to start fighting?
Sue: We don't always fight.
Axl: Yes, we do.
Sue: No, we don't!
Axl: I'm pretty sure we do. Remember last time when I put my foot in your face?
Sue: Ugh!
Axl: Or was it the other foot?
Sue: Ugh! Or maybe it wasn't feet. Maybe it was my butt!
Axl: Don't!