Axl: Let me ask you something. You ever order a glass of wine and think, "Hmm, I could really go for a nice thirst-quenching beer"? Or drinking a beer and think, "Hmm, wine would really add some class to these nachos"? Well, now you don't have to choose, 'cause I've solved that age-old question. Allow me to introduce you to the latest in taste sensation... Bwine!
Frankie: Bwine?
Axl: That's right. Beer plus wine equals Bwine. It was either that or "Weer," but that sounds a little too much like "Weird," and that is just not good marketing. Business major.
Mike: Wait, you're actually planning to sell this stuff? As a beverage? To people?
Axl: Oh, not just this one. I have created several varieties of Bwine. I have a Cabernet mixed with a stout, a Caber-stout, a pale ale mixed with a Chardonnay, a pale-ardonnay, and a fruity yet malty Merlot-enbrau.
Mike: Hm. Ahh... What's worse than bad?
Frankie: Oh, I don't know, maybe it just needs more wine. Or less wine. Or more sugar. Sugar helps with everything.
Axl: Yeah, I'm still fine-tuning my recipes. But once I lock them in, I'm taking these babies public. I'm telling you, Bwine is gonna bwow up!
Mike: [sighs] Just don't go wasting my beer.
Axl: Oh, come on, please. I'm creating a fine line of fine Bwines. I'm not gonna be using your Frugal Hoosier "dented but drinkables."

Axl: Now, what you want is eye-level placement. That's your premium shelf.
Brick: Huh. I'm gonna turn these bottles around so that way, people can't read the labels.
Axl: Now you're getting it, Brick.
Brick: Yeah.
Manager: Excuse me. What are you doing?
Axl: Hi, I'm Axl Heck. We just happen to have the best barbecue sauce money can buy, and we have chosen the Frugal Hoosier as the flagship provider for our launch of Heck Brothers Old-timey Barbecue sauce. We sold 11 jars of the stuff at the swap meet, so you know it's good.
Manager: Yeah, I don't know what you think you're doing, but there is a process to getting your food on the shelves. Is this stuff even FDA approved?
Axl: I'm sorry. I thought this was America.
Brick: Darn tootin'.

Brick: Well, we got a great turnout at Font Club. Unfortunately, most of the kids are just in it for the credit. But there is this one guy, Gibson. He's a savant. He's a font savant. He's a safont!
Frankie: Brick, you're on your own for dinner tonight.
Brick: I just got to raise my game. I got too relaxed... You know, a little sloppy, a little lazy. So this is good. It's like when a new sports star comes in and forces the established sports star to up his sport.
Mike: That's right! That's what I'm talking about. [tries to high-five Brick; Brick misses]
Brick: [laughs] I'm gonna check out the new font websites, see what the kids are using these days.

Brick: Dad, I need your opinion on this. I finally figured out why there are only three people in Font Club.
Mike: Because it's Font Club?
Brick: Exactly! It's a "Club," not an "Activity." But I petitioned the school to grant Font Club "Activity" status, so now kids can get community-service credit if they join. Now, let me walk you through the different fonts. I suggest you close your eyes between each one as a palate cleanser.
Mike: How 'bout I close my eyes for all of 'em?
Brick: Now, the first font in contention is Caviar Dreams. Clean, modern... [cellphone rings]

Frankie: [v.o.] Turns out, given the choice between feeding old people and meeting at Font Club, Font Club gave you the most bang for your community-service buck.
Brick: Hello, all. Welcome to Font Club. So, I thought it'd be a nice icebreaker to go around and have everybody say their favorite font. [Judah raises a piece of paper] Yeah?
Judah: Can you sign my community service?
Brick: [sighs] Okay, I know some of you are just here for community-service credit, but if you'll give me a chance, I'll show you fonts can change your life.
Gibson: You know what'd change my life? If you gave us all pillows. 'Cause you're putting me to sleep. [laughter]
Brick: Oh, that's funny? Well, let's see how funny it is when you write a letter to the girl you love and you need to choose between Windsong and Herr von Muellerhoff, and you choose wrong and lose her forever.
Gibson: Well, I wouldn't choose either of those. I'd go with Pinyon Script, and I think you know why.
Brick: I do!