Frankie: [sighs] Well, I'm fine.
Mike: You sound great.
Frankie: No, I am. My ovaries are fine. Unfortunately, they're like raisins. And not the cute, plump California ones that dance and wear gloves. They're like the hard, shriveled, sad, deformed ones in the Raisin Flakes we get from the Frugal Hoosier.
Mike: Well, this can't be a shock, Frankie. I mean, you are 50...
Frankie: I know what I am, thanks. [exhales sharply] You don't get it. Because they don't shut men's factories downs. They only shut women's factories down.
Mike: What factories?
Frankie: This factory. I mean, I liked knowing it was open. Now it's all red-tagged and padlocked with bulldozers in the parking lot.
Mike: I feel like anything I say here is gonna be wrong, so... you want to just hug me?

Axl: Let me ask you something. You ever order a glass of wine and think, "Hmm, I could really go for a nice thirst-quenching beer"? Or drinking a beer and think, "Hmm, wine would really add some class to these nachos"? Well, now you don't have to choose, 'cause I've solved that age-old question. Allow me to introduce you to the latest in taste sensation... Bwine!
Frankie: Bwine?
Axl: That's right. Beer plus wine equals Bwine. It was either that or "Weer," but that sounds a little too much like "Weird," and that is just not good marketing. Business major.
Mike: Wait, you're actually planning to sell this stuff? As a beverage? To people?
Axl: Oh, not just this one. I have created several varieties of Bwine. I have a Cabernet mixed with a stout, a Caber-stout, a pale ale mixed with a Chardonnay, a pale-ardonnay, and a fruity yet malty Merlot-enbrau.
Mike: Hm. Ahh... What's worse than bad?
Frankie: Oh, I don't know, maybe it just needs more wine. Or less wine. Or more sugar. Sugar helps with everything.
Axl: Yeah, I'm still fine-tuning my recipes. But once I lock them in, I'm taking these babies public. I'm telling you, Bwine is gonna bwow up!
Mike: [sighs] Just don't go wasting my beer.
Axl: Oh, come on, please. I'm creating a fine line of fine Bwines. I'm not gonna be using your Frugal Hoosier "dented but drinkables."

Axl: We sold 20 jars of this barbecue sauce, so if that's not a sign I should drop out of college, I don't know what is.
Mike: Yeah, well... [turns the stove off] Take this is a sign that that's not happening.
Axl: What...
Mike: Heck Brothers are done.
Axl: If Paul Newman had you for a dad, he never would have invented salad dressing, and no one would know who he is. Dream squasher!

Mike: Okay, Axl, you've wasted enough time on this. Don't you have some schoolwork you should be doing?
Axl: How should I know? I haven't been to class. [scoffs]
Mike: What?
Axl: Dad, this is more important than any class. At a certain point, a person learns all they need to know, and classes just get in the way. As a matter of fact, I might not even be going back to college in the fall.
Mike: Oh, you'll be going back to college a lot sooner than the fall. You're going tomorrow.
Axl: Come on, think about all the people who dropped out of college and made it big. Mark Zuckerberg...
Brick: Mm-hmm.
Axl: Bill Gates, Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Mike: There's a lot of highway between a computer that changes the world and barbecue sauce in a bag.

Sean: Surprise, Susie Q, I've got good news. Someone I know is going to her prom.
Sue: What?
Sean: My mom was talking to your mom, and she said you didn't have a date, so I rescheduled a test and bailed on the intramural flag football championship and drove straight down here from Notre Dame 'cause I was not about to let Sue Heck not go to her senior prom.
Sue: Oh, um, Sean, that is so nice. So nice. But someone I work with actually asked me to prom, and I said yes!
Sean: Oh! Okay. That's fine. I'll just drive back. I might stop by and have a little chat with my mom about communication first, but it's all good. The important thing is, you're going to prom with someone else.
Sue: I am so, so sorry. I really...
Sean: No, that's okay. I'm a Donahue. I will smile through this 'cause we smile through everything.
Sue: Okay, well, um, I'm so sorry, again. I'm so sorry. That was so nice. Sorry. [closes door]
Sean: [o.s.] Mom!