Brick: This book is life-changing. Mom dropped me at the library to find the perfect holiday read, and out of nowhere, it just appeared to me. "The real true behind-the-scenes story of the making of Erich Segal's 1970's classic, Love Story."
Mike: Really? All the books they got in the library, and that's the one you picked?
Brick: Have you read it? It's fascinating. How did I go so long without finding this? It's a Thanksgiving gift, I tell you. A gift.
Mike: You know, the only thing that would have made that better is if strangers were here to see it.

Mike: When was I supposed to know this? I only found out 'cause I went by the house to invite you to Thanksgiving.
Big Mike: Oh, no. You don't want an old man with a broken hip at your Thanksgiving.
Mike: That's true, but my wife does. Please, Dad. Please, please, please come to Thanksgiving.
Big Mike: Oh, I don't want to be a bother.
Mike: It's not a choice, Dad. The nurses say you gotta be discharged tomorrow, and they can't let you go home alone. Don't worry. We got TV and crummy food at our house, too.
Big Mike: You don't exactly roll out the red carpet, do you?

Sue: Mom, I have to talk to you. Darrin did something bad.
Frankie: Don't worry. Dad will get over the turkey thing.
Sue: He told the waiters to sing "Happy Birthday" to Dad.
Frankie: What? Has he lost his mind?!
Sue: I don't know.
Frankie: Listen to me right now. You need to tell me who you talked to and exactly what you said.
Darrin: Uh, I don't know. He was a waiter.
Frankie: What did he look like?
Darrin: He had an apron and a pen.
Frankie: They all have aprons and pens! I need details. Mole on his face, crooked nose... anything.
Darrin: I don't remember.
Frankie: Well, you've got to remember!
Darrin: It's kind of hard to think when you're yelling at me!
Frankie: All right, just... just go and find him... now!

Sue: Wait a minute. What's going on? Are we not having Thanksgiving at home this year?
Frankie: Sue, take a look around this place.
Sue: But we have to stay home. Thanksgiving's not Thanksgiving without Frugal Hoosier canned corn, Safeway boxed stuffing, and CVS pumpkin pie.

Frankie: [v.o.] Thanksgiving. What do the Hecks and the Pilgrims have in common? No indoor plumbing.
Mike: How many times do I have to tell you? Coffeepot is stream. Ice tray is mist.
Frankie: Mm. Okay, listen, Mike. I was thinking. You know how we always say only losers and sad, pathetic people go out to dinner for Thanksgiving?
Mike: So are you saying we're going out this year?
Frankie: No. Well, yes, but not 'cause we're losers. 'Cause we have a floor sink and a tiny table.
Mike: Don't exactly sound like winners.
Frankie: Okay, just... just follow me here. I saw an ad in the paper that King Henry's Feast is doing a Thanksgiving buffet, and it's only $7.99 a person. They're doing all the Thanksgiving staples, plus their full complement of international cuisine. And as an added bonus, we don't have to do the dishes in the bathtub.
Mike: You don't have to convince me to leave this house. Long as I get some turkey, I'm fine.