Brick: Hey, Dad, I've been working on the family Christmas letter, and I want to run it by you.
Mike: Uh, not a good time, Brick. I just drove all the way to Jasper and then to Bedford 'cause they put a tree on hold for me, which apparently means "sell it to whoever walks in and asks for one."
Brick: You know, if you can make that a bit more interesting, I think I can squeeze it in this baby. Here's what I got so far. "Dear friends, merry Christmas 2014. What a year. Mom doesn't wear pants anymore. She's got an unsightly bruise on her hip that's been there since July. She says if it doesn't go away in a week, she'll go to the doctor. Finances weigh heavy on our minds. The sink fell through the counter last month, and now we wash dishes in the shower. Axl's football career appears to be over, as he dropped the ball... both literally and figuratively." I'm very proud of that part.
Mike: Yeah.
Brick: "Mom and Dad stay up late worried about Sue doing something with Darrin called 'losing it.'"
Mike: Whoa! Brick, you can't say any of that stuff.
Brick: Why not? It's all true.
Mike: Yeah, well, that's exactly why. Christmas letters are just for the good things that happened in the last year.
Brick: Oh. Well, that's gonna be a lot harder. And shorter.
Mike: [chuckles] Yeah.

Frankie: Well, at least someone has a passion for the holiday. The kids are just so blah.
Mike: So, we start later in the day. Who cares?
Frankie: Don't you get it? Now that they're not little anymore, the magic is gone. Remember when they used to wake us up at 5:00 a.m. and jump on our bed?
Mike: I remember you cursing into your pillow.
Frankie: "Damn it" isn't a real curse.
Mike: You didn't say "damn it." You said...
Frankie: The point is, once you made me get up, I just loved how they couldn't wait to open their presents. And now all they want are gift cards.
Mike: I remember you cursing about having to go out and shop...
Frankie: The holidays are stressful! That doesn't mean you don't like 'em!

Brick: Mom, you never told me church is based on a book.
Frankie: I assumed you knew. It's the number one best-selling book of all time.
Brick: Hmm. Well, it's a real page-turner. I do have a lot of questions, though, like Jonah inside the belly of a whale. Wouldn't the whale's digestive juices dissolve him?
Frankie: Look, Brick, I gotta go to work. Ask your dad.
Brick: And how could Noah have two of every animal on one boat? Many are mortal enemies, and the poop alone...
Mike: Brick, it's a little early to be talking about the Bible. Ask your brother.

Reverend TimTom: Look, your little brother is a questioner. World's always been full of great questioners. Heck, if people didn't ask questions, God would be out of a job. He's in the answer business.
Sue: But I don't want Brick to question. It's very clear to me. I don't understand why he doesn't get it.
Reverend TimTom: Sue, do you like Justin Bieber?
Sue: Yes.
Reverend TimTom: Does Brick?
Sue: No.
Reverend TimTom: Does it bother you that Brick doesn't like Justin Bieber as much as you do?
Sue: Yes. I don't get that either.
Reverend TimTom: Well, the point is, JB knows that he can't force anybody to be a fan. He's aware that people make fun of him. He's in on that, but the Bieb doesn't care. He's just out there singing his song, hoping people come around.
Sue: I'm unofficial sergeant at arms of his fan club, and I am doing all I can.
Reverend TimTom: That's nice, but what I'm trying to say is that Jesus rolls like Justin. JC put the good word out there and let the people find him. You should be cool with that.
Sue: Wow. JB and JC. [gasps] That is blowing my mind.
Reverend TimTom: So maybe you should lighten up on Brick, let him find his own path. Well, I gotta be moving on. [sighs] I'm needed up in Chesterton. Couple girls up there think they're vampires. This Twilight thing has gotten out of hand. I'll see you around, Sue Heck.

Mike: Hey, uh, you know, I-I said, uh, "truck" a minute ago. I meant "trunk." I left the pecans in the trunk. Just wanted to tell you that.
Frankie: Okay. So can you go get 'em out of the trunk?
Mike: Uh... You know what? I-I meant truck after all, 'cause I've been test-driving trucks... [chuckles] Trucks with trunks.
Frankie: What kind of a truck has a trunk?
Mike: None that I know of. That- That's why I wanted to test-drive it. They're new. Trunk-trucks.
Frankie: What? We can't afford a dishwasher, but you're out test-driving trucks?
Mike: Look, Frankie. [scoffs] I-I'm not gonna explain myself to you. I-I-I'm a grown man. I can test-drive trunk-trucks if I want to. End of story!