Frankie: [v.o.] Turned out it was good my Mom was there. Because sure, there's no doubt your parents can embarrass you, but they're also the only ones who will hold your hair back when you're throwing up.
Frankie: I'm sorry for everything I said. I'm a horrible daughter.
Pat: No, you're not. You're wonderful. We're gonna get you through this. Your Dad is driving down right now.
He's gonna stop at Costco, get you more saltines and ginger ale. We'll settle up later.

Frankie: What is that supposed to mean?
Pat: Oh, you're just a little free with your money.
Frankie: I eat out of dented cans from the Frugal Hoosier. This was a hand-me-down from our cleaning lady at work!
Pat: Why are you so angry?
Frankie: How did you get like this, huh? When did you become... you're just so... licking my face and shaking down my friends for money. And what's the deal with the paper towels? Stop telling people they're so strong you can make curtains out of them. Who would want to do that?! I love you, and I'm lucky to still have you, but I wish you would stop embarrassing me with your...
Pat: I'm embarrassing you? You think I'm embarrassing?
Frankie: [sighs] I'm sorry. Wait. I didn't mean that. I'm not saying I have a drinking problem, but I... [chuckles] I can't hold my Frankietinis, you know? I've been saying crazy things all day. I told someone I like scallions. [chuckles] What?
Pat: You know, I think maybe I'll go check on Sue. [voice breaking] She's always happy to see me.

Frankie: Damn it, Axl. Get out of my bed.
Axl: God, you have, like, no maternal instinct.
Frankie: Don't be naked in my bed! You're getting my sheets all germy! Go get into your own bed.
Axl: Too late! This one's already contaminated.
Frankie: Get out. Don't you start burrowing in, Axl. Stop burrowing!
Axl: Get off of me! Why do you hate me?!
[After Mike comes in, he and Frankie wrap Axl up in the bed covers and carry him out of their room]
Axl: No! No! [muffled] I feel like I'm moving. Am I floating to heaven?

Frankie: [on the phone] Hey, Mom. Listen, your onion dip recipe... is that from the back of the chip bag or the back of the soup box?
Pat: Chip bag. What's it for?
Tag: [o.s.] Who is that? Janet?
Pat: No, it's Frankie. It's for the homecoming tailgate on Saturday. I just thought I might bring some.
Pat: Ooh, a tailgate. Sounds nice.
Frankie: Yeah, and I'm making a signature drink. Should be really fun. Not the drink, the whole day. But the drink should be fun, too. Yeah, it's kind of bluish.
Pat: Hey, you know, we haven't been to a homecoming in forever. Maybe we should come down.
Frankie: No, I don't think...
Pat: Tag, you want to go to Homecoming this Saturday?!
Tag: [o.s.] At Janet's?
Pat: At Frankie's! [sighs] Yeah, sure. Let's do it. We'll see you this weekend.

Mike: Come on, Axl. Get your head in the game.
Axl: I just threw up 20 minutes ago.
Mike: Well, don't throw up out here. It's supposed to freeze tonight. We'll have to look at it all winter.

Sue: Well, as an alumna now, I can tell you high school really is just a blip. When you're in college, all the things you cared about you realize didn't even matter. All the clubs that rejected you, all the elections you didn't win, all the committees you formed that people didn't show up to... no bigs.
[school bell rings] Ah! The bell. Oh, really enjoy it. It goes by too fast.
Mr. Farrar: Tardy sweep.
Sue: Aww. Oh, wait. No, no, no. No, I'm in college.
Boy #1: Oh, yeah. I'm in college, too.
Boy #2: Me, too. I go to Harvard.

Frankie: Yeah, Axl has a flu bug. A really bad flu bug. You... [to Pat] You know, actually, maybe you shouldn't be around us, because it's ripping through the house. We're probably all gonna get it.
Sue: What do you mean we're all gonna get it?
Frankie: We're not all gonna get it.
Sue: You just said we're all gonna get it.
Mike: I already got it.
Frankie: What? When?
Mike: Yesterday, when I was mowing out back. One and done.
Pat: I'm fine. I'm taking this new packet of multivitamins for women 60-plus. I've got more energy than I know what to do with.
Frankie: Hmm.

Sue: If Axl has it and then Dad got it, that means it's making its way through the whole family!
Axl: [sighs] Oh, hi, Grandma. I'm sick. And I want more jelly.
Sue: Give me your toast, Axl!
Axl: Whoa, what? Why?
Sue: I need a guarantee I am not gonna be sick for homecoming, and the only way to do that is to get sick right now and get it over with. I need your germs. Give me your germs, Axl!
Frankie: Hey, hey, hey.
Axl: These are my germs! Get your own germs! Aah!
Frankie: Sue, ah, ah, ah, go to your room. You're gonna stay healthy. Axl, you too.
Pat: I got this. Wow. This floor is filthy.

Sue: If you know anybody from the class of 2015, send them my way! Hey. Hey, you! You're in my class! Get back here and reminisce! [sighs] I'm not in high school anymore.

Frankie: Nancy, don't worry about it. Listen, I remember when Axl decided he wanted to be more like Johnny Depp. So he started wrapping scarves....
Frankie: [v.o.] I don't know why I was worried. My Mom wasn't gonna cramp my style. [Pat looks at Frankie and rubs her face] No, not at all. Okay, just ignore her. Concentrate on the story. You're always funny when you tell it. Stop looking at her. [clears throat] You already said that part. You're ruining the story, and it's gold. Stop looking at her. Everybody's always bothered by their own parents. I bet nobody even notices her.
[Pat walks over, licks her thumb and rubs Frankie's cheek]
Pat: Oh, that's just your skin. [chuckles]
Frankie: [v.o.] And from there, it only got worse.