Frankie: [sighs] Well, I'm fine.
Mike: You sound great.
Frankie: No, I am. My ovaries are fine. Unfortunately, they're like raisins. And not the cute, plump California ones that dance and wear gloves. They're like the hard, shriveled, sad, deformed ones in the Raisin Flakes we get from the Frugal Hoosier.
Mike: Well, this can't be a shock, Frankie. I mean, you are 50...
Frankie: I know what I am, thanks. [exhales sharply] You don't get it. Because they don't shut men's factories downs. They only shut women's factories down.
Mike: What factories?
Frankie: This factory. I mean, I liked knowing it was open. Now it's all red-tagged and padlocked with bulldozers in the parking lot.
Mike: I feel like anything I say here is gonna be wrong, so... you want to just hug me?

Axl: Let me ask you something. You ever order a glass of wine and think, "Hmm, I could really go for a nice thirst-quenching beer"? Or drinking a beer and think, "Hmm, wine would really add some class to these nachos"? Well, now you don't have to choose, 'cause I've solved that age-old question. Allow me to introduce you to the latest in taste sensation... Bwine!
Frankie: Bwine?
Axl: That's right. Beer plus wine equals Bwine. It was either that or "Weer," but that sounds a little too much like "Weird," and that is just not good marketing. Business major.
Mike: Wait, you're actually planning to sell this stuff? As a beverage? To people?
Axl: Oh, not just this one. I have created several varieties of Bwine. I have a Cabernet mixed with a stout, a Caber-stout, a pale ale mixed with a Chardonnay, a pale-ardonnay, and a fruity yet malty Merlot-enbrau.
Mike: Hm. Ahh... What's worse than bad?
Frankie: Oh, I don't know, maybe it just needs more wine. Or less wine. Or more sugar. Sugar helps with everything.
Axl: Yeah, I'm still fine-tuning my recipes. But once I lock them in, I'm taking these babies public. I'm telling you, Bwine is gonna bwow up!
Mike: [sighs] Just don't go wasting my beer.
Axl: Oh, come on, please. I'm creating a fine line of fine Bwines. I'm not gonna be using your Frugal Hoosier "dented but drinkables."

Frankie: Where's Dad?
Pat: Oh, I convinced him to stay home. He's such a stick in the mud. Takes an act of congress to get pants on him. He only wears velour.
Frankie: Mm. What's with the paper towels?
Pat: Oh, I didn't know if you had any. You don't always shop. I telling you, Frankie, these are the best. You can get them wet, wipe up a spill, wet them again, dry them out, and use them over and over again. I'm carrying them everywhere lately.

Frankie: You know, this is all because I called my mom for the dip recipe. If I had a time machine, I would go back and not call her. I know with the time machine, you're supposed to kill Hitler, and I will, but first this.
Mike: Look, I'm not saying it wouldn't be better without them, but suck it up. It's one day.
Frankie: No, that's the whole point. This is my one day to just forget about work and bills and puking kids. I mean, I'm not going on a cruise. I'm not going glamping with my girlfriends. I just have homecoming. So, if I don't want my parents with me this one time, it doesn't mean I don't love them. They'll understand that, right?
Mike: What's glamping?
Frankie: I mean, we spend Christmas with them. We spend Thanksgiving with them. I remember being with them recently on a Tuesday. So, if I just want to have some fun without them, is that so wrong?
Mike: No.
Frankie: Of course it is, Mike! I should want to be with them all the time. I'm so lucky to still have them.
Mike: You don't have to keep saying that.
Frankie: Yes, I do. I'm afraid if I don't, God will take them.
Mike: Tonight? 'Cause that would solve your problem.

Frankie: Okay, you know I love my parents, but I really don't want them at homecoming. I mean, I feel bad even saying that out loud 'cause I'm so lucky to still have them. But [sighs] homecoming is for fun and friends, and my parents are just gonna be so... There. And they're gonna say things to people.
Mike: So tell them not to come.
Frankie: Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Mike: Well, yeah, but you're the one that said you don't want them.
Frankie: Yeah, I know. But I should. I'm just so lucky to still have them.