Shelly: Um, I won this at your Yankee Swap party, and I was wondering if you had the box it came in. I'm gonna give it to my pen pal, Juliette, in England.
Sue: What? No! No, you can't send that to England. I don't know how to say this, but that snow globe is really important to me, so if you're not gonna keep it, I would appreciate it if you could give it back to me.
Shelly: Of course, I'll give it back to you...
Sue: Aww.
Shelly: ...for an item of equal or greater value.
Sue: Okay, I'm willing to make that trade, but I must warn you, I am a very tough negotiator.
[Shelly walks out of the house with a stack of stuffed animals]

Frankie: Oh, my God. I can't believe it. Sue, I am so sorry.
Brick: Excuse me, but I believe I'm the real victim in this crime. I was next in line to get Aunt Edie's car.
Axl: Actually, I am.
Brick: What are you talking about? You already got a car. You wrecked it on spring break.
Axl: True, but I'm the oldest, so I just get back in line.
Brick: That's not how it works.

Sue: Can we please stop fighting about who gets the car? It's my car, and it was stolen.
Frankie: Well, we gotta go to the police.
Mike: I just want to remind you, the last time we reported a car stolen, it turned out you had just forgotten where you parked it. So before we get the police involved, I think Sue should think about what she did yesterday and make sure you didn't leave it somewhere other than our driveway.
Sue: I'll think about it, but I am positive it was in the driveway last night.
Brick: Great. If we don't get this car back, I'm never gonna be able to drive.
Frankie: [sighs] Don't try to put a positive spin on it, Brick. It's just bad.

Axl: I can't believe the cops aren't gonna do anything! One time, I accidentally walked out of the Orson Bowl in bowling shoes. They sent both squad cars.

Frankie: Well, the Glossners are above the law. I mean, think of all the things they've done to us over the years. They blew up our mailbox. They peanut-buttered our mailbox. They dog-doo'd our mailbox. What is their deal with our mailbox?

Mike: Ow! Frankie, I need one of your emergency cookies.
Frankie: I don't have any!
Mike: I know you do!
[Frankie grabs a cookie from her pocket, takes a bite and throws it to Mike]

Brick: I say we call a family vote. All in favor of leaving with our health and what's left of our dignity say "aye."
Axl & Brick: Aye.
Brick: All opposed?
Frankie & Mike: Nay.
Axl: Ha! It's a tie. Wait. How can it be a tie? Did we not count Brick?
Brick: I'm standing right here with my hand up.
Frankie: [gasps] They have Sue.

Nancy: We're here to kick some butt. And I made deviled eggs.
Ron: Fighting Glossners makes me hungry.

Bill: I tried to get Paula in on this, but she's on a date with some guy. [voice breaking] Talk about getting blindsided.
Mike: Not the time, Bill.

Brick: There's Glossners at 2:00, 6:00, 10:00. Glossners at all o'clocks!