Sue: Hey, Mom. Can I pick your brain?
Frankie: Sure, but I don't know why you'd want to. I just came in here from the kitchen, and I literally have no idea why.
Sue: Well, I was thinking of giving this snow globe to Sean. You know, I thought it'd be cool because he always calls me his special snowflake, and, also [sighs] I was thinking of telling him how I feel.
Frankie: Really?
Sue: Yeah. Ever since we kissed, I've been trying to find the perfect moment, but I feel like I just need to lay it all on the line, and then whatever happens, happens.
Frankie: I totally agree. You know, everyone assumes that the guy should be the first one to say how he feels, but the truth is, some guys need a little push.
Sue: Is that how it was with you and Dad?
Frankie: Well... not exactly.
Sue: Oh, so he didn't tell you he loved you first?
Frankie: I'm not sure he's ever told me that, but he definitely implied it at our wedding.

Axl: What do all these shoes have in common?
Mike: They stink?
Axl: Wrong. [sniffs] Well, maybe. The correct answer is, none of them have to be shined. Mic drop. Ooh. Shoe drop.
Sue: Well, I am headed back to school. Who knows? Next time you see me [singsong voice] I might have some news.
Mike: Get these shoes off my table, or I'll make you drive with Brick.

Frankie: The Glossners stole our car. I said, "Rita, that's our car." And she was all, "You're just tryin' to provoke me into an alterfication."
Mike: The Glossners stole our car?
Frankie: Yeah, can you believe it? Guess it's gone forever.
Mike: [scoffs] What do you mean, "It's gone forever"? We're not talking about a rake or a garden hose here, Frankie. We're talking about an automobile. That's a felony, and we're going to the police.
Frankie: Come on, Mike. You know what happens when you snitch on the Glossners. They get you back a thousand times over. We're not going to the police.
Sue: Going to the police for what?
Frankie: Glossners stole our car.
Sue: What?! Ugh! Aw, well, I guess it's gone forever.
Mike: What is the matter with you two?
Frankie: Mike, this is the Glossners. We can't poke the bear on this one.
Mike: The hell we can't. The bear stole our car!

Sheriff Duggan: Anything valuable inside the vehicle?
Sue: Well, I was getting ready to drive back to school, so there was my duffel, a Little Betty cupcake in the middle console for the 42-minute drive, and... [gasps] Oh, my God. My snow globe was in there. That means the Glossners have my snow globe, too.
Sheriff Duggan: The Glossners? Well, sorry, folks. I guess the car is gone forever.
Mike: Why does everyone keep saying that?
Sheriff Duggan: I don't like to deal with the Glossners. They're criminals.
Mike: You're supposed to deal with criminals. That's your exact job description.
Sheriff Duggan: Now it's the next guy's job description. I'm retiring in four days. Look, my backyard butts right up against the Glossners, and I just resodded my lawn.
Mike: What is happening here? Am I supposed to just forget about my car?
Sheriff Duggan: Ah, the Glossners get tired of stuff. You'll probably find your car on the side of the road in a couple of months. Trust me, you don't wanna poke the bees' nest on this one.
Frankie: That's exactly what I said, but I used "bear" instead of "bees."
Mike: They're not bees, and they're not bears. They're felons, and they stole my damn car.
Sheriff Duggan: Huh.

Sue: Ugh. When I had my fifth-grade camping party, they skunked our tent. What kind of people just have a skunk lying around, waiting to terrorize little girls?
Brick: The same people who drew boobs on our garage.
Sue: How about the time they wrote "nerd" on the side of the house with an arrow pointing to my bedroom?
Axl: Actually, that was me.

Mike: What the hell happened?
Frankie: I'll tell you what happened... we got our butts kicked. That's what happened.
Mike: Hey. Where have you been?
Brick: It occurred to me that in most action movies, there's a tech guy who hangs back and does his "tech thing." He's usually played by a young Jonah Hill-type.

Axl: We almost got killed out there, Brick! They wrapped me up in a volleyball net. Hey, this is ours.
Mike: Okay, look, it's clear the Glossners aren't gonna go down without a fight, so we gotta rethink our strategy and get that car back.
Axl: Do we, though? I mean, we did get our volleyball net back.
Brick: I'm with Axl. I say we call it a win and go home.
Mike: No! We're always the people who give it our half. This time, we're gonna give it our all.
Frankie: Yeah, I'm with Dad. Wonder Woman just came out on Redbox, and if I took one thing away from that movie, it's that women can kick butt.
Axl: How about you get through the door at Curves without being winded and then we'll talk?

Frankie: Rita, please...
Rita Glossner: Don't you "Rita, please" me. How dare you come onto my property and threaten my family? I could disappear you right now.
Frankie: Remember, you have two strikes. No "alterfications". [laughs]
Rita Glossner: Are you makin' fun of me?
Frankie: No. No, ma'am. I am not. I would never do that. [strained] Okay, I... Look. I-I know you're mad, and I get it. But think about it, think about it. [coughs] We're both moms, right? W-We need a mom revolution and... and... and love. Love is the only way to start that. Love, sweet love. What the world needs now is love, sweet love.

Brick: We are not doing well at all. That's Cindy's backup safari hat! Those monsters!

Axl: Nice job, Dad. Pretty badass for an old guy.
Mike: Any time you want me to write down that list for you, just let me know.
Axl: I think I'm all right.
[Mike pops the cap off two bottles at once]
Axl: Okay, that I got to learn.