Brick: She loves me! Can you believe it, Axl? She finally said it. It was like listening to Shakespeare read from his greatest works, but, you know, hotter.
Axl: Oh, Brick. Sweet, dear, innocent Brick. Have a seat. Now, uh... don't you find Cindy's timing a little... [inhales sharply] curious? [gives Brick the soda]
Brick: What do you mean?
Axl: Well, what are you thinking about right now?
Brick: How much she loves me.
Axl: What are you not thinking about?
Brick: Death, the futility of the universe... that's always simmering at a low boil.
Axl: No. What you're not thinking about is your test. Hmm? That little minx... Oh-ho. She is good. Maybe she should be valedictorian. She got in your head, Brick. She's building a condo in there. She's hanging pictures of her as valedictorian. My brother, she played you.

Brick: I can't believe I didn't see it. Feel like such a fool.
Axl: Don't worry. I am here to help. Now, I myself have never been valedictorian, but I did do something much harder. I dated them. Yeah. They may be smart, but they're still girls. So if Cindy's gonna play a game with you, you play one right back. When's the test?
Brick: Tomorrow.
Axl: Before the test, you're gonna walk up to her and speak the four words that strike fear into the heart of every woman... we need to talk.
Brick: [gasps] What do we need to talk about?
Axl: Who cares? That's what she's gonna be worrying about. Meanwhile, you're in her head, building your own condo with a big, geeky library in it.
Brick: Oh. I like this plan.
Axl: Yeah, she'll be so worried, thinking about what you want to talk to her about, she won't be able to focus, she'll do bad on the test, and... boom... you're valedictorian. King of the nerds. Or, uh, president of the nerds. Or... nerd overlord? Anyway, you're that guy. Want a refill?
Brick: Nah, I'm good. [places a dollar bill on the table]

Axl: But, hey, it's not like you're the first guy to be brought down by a woman. That goes all the way back to Greek mythology. There's, uh... Janet of Troy, um, Achilles' heel... that has something to do with a woman. And I think we have winter 'cause of a woman.
Brick: Hey, the school posted the scores. I got a 99%. Wait. What if Cindy got 100%? I got to know.
Axl: Who else? There's, um, the Beatles. And the Flintstones. Wilma messed Fred up pretty good.
Brick: [cellphone vibrates] She got a 98%! I'm the valedictorian!
Axl: All hail the nerdiest in the land! This one is on the house. Ha-ha!

Axl: I'll tell you where they are.
Sue: What are you doing?
Axl: I got an app so I can track them.
Sue: Oh, my God. You do worry about Mom and Dad.
Axl: Eugh. Barf. I just use it so I know when it's safe to come home and throw a party in the house or soak in their tube or steal some deli meats.
Sue: She's not picking up.
Axl: That's weird. It says they're in a ditch.
Sue: What?! Oh, no. I saw this story online about bored people who kidnap and murder random victims just for kicks. They're horrible. They kill for thrills. They're thrill killers!
Axl: No way. No one would ever want Mom and Dad.
Sue: That is not true. Mom is really cute. Someone would totally want to kill her!
Axl: Okay, let's go.

Frankie: [v.o.] At least with Brick making valedictorian, we didn't have to worry about him.
Brick: Cindy, can I just say...
Cindy: Huh. I got 101%.
Brick: Wait. Wait. You told me you got a 98%.
Cindy: I did. I guess I got the extra credit.
Brick: What extra credit? There's no extra credit.
Cindy: Yeah, on the back.
Brick: "Write three sentences about any book you've ever read." Seriously?!

Brick: Congratulations. If it couldn't be me, then I'm glad it's you.
Cindy: For what?
Brick: Never mind. Cindy, you know that thing you said before the test? Did you mean it, or was it just a tactic?
Cindy: Oh, I meant it. I'm incapable of saying something I don't mean. Look on page seven of my IEP... incapable of irony, overly literal... right below flat of affect.
Brick: And I have trouble focusing on non-preferred activities. Wow. I can't believe we found each other.
Cindy: I love you, Brick.
Brick: I love you, Cindy.

Brick: So, is that an official diagnosis?
Cindy: Yes. It's a 9B37.
Brick: Ah. I'm a 5A62, but very borderline. I'm also a bit of a 6J48 but not enough to be official.
Cindy: Really? I'm a little 6J48, too.
Brick: No way! You know, I thought I sensed that, but I didn't want to be presumptuous.

Frankie: [v.o.] Brick may have gotten all A's, but he definitely flunked bribing. So he had to find out for himself who his competition was.
Brick: Hey, Sang-woo, I was just wondering, how'd you do on that potato clock we had to make for science last week?
Sang-woo: I got a "B." I haven't told my mom yet.
Brick: Ooh, tough break. [Brick crosses out a line in his note pad]
[later, Brick sits behind a sobbing girl in class:]
Brick: I'm sorry. Are those tears of happiness or sadness?
Sashi: [sobbing] I only got an A-minus! [Brick crosses out another line]
[later, Brick talks to a boy being pushed against his locker by two bullies:]
Brick: Excuse me. Irwin, how'd you do on that history test?

Frankie: Can somebody tell me why I'm paying for cellphones every month when nobody's gonna use them?
Sue: What? What are you talking about?
Frankie: Do you guys ever look at your phones? I've been trying to get ahold of you since midnight.
Sue: Oh, that's a lot of texts.
Frankie: My thumbs are tired from the amount of times I've tried to get ahold of you two.
Sue: Why? Is everything okay?
Frankie: No, everything is not okay. Where the hell have you been?
Axl: At a party. You knew that.
Sue: And then we went to get pancakes.

Frankie: I can't believe this. I've gone to all the top valedictorian contenders, and I can't figure out who it is. I've checked with the nerds, the orchestra, robotics, mathletes, the students who organized the no-name-calling week. I'm ahead of everybody.
Cindy: Yeah. I'm just kind of here until Mrs. Hilsabeck gets back. They gave her the wrong sandwich at Panera.
Brick: Oh, we glorify how many basketball reboundings the jocks get in a game, but... Wait. You're alone here? You can look up who my nemesis is. If you need convincing, I've got a dollar here that...
Cindy: No, I'll do it. [opens binder] Oh. It's me.