Chidi: Hey, can I ask your advice on something?
Eleanor: Are you sure, dude? Isn't there someone else better you could ask, like literally anyone else?
Chidi: Well, it's a sensitive matter, and you... you do know me pretty well. So here it is: Real Eleanor said she loves me.
Eleanor: Hey, man, nice pull. She's a great person.
Chidi: I don't know what to do. I mean, we are soul mates, so I probably do love her, but then again, how do I know if my motivation is correct? Maybe I think I'm supposed to love her, but if I tell her that I love her for the wrong reasons, it won't mean anything.
Eleanor: You have a tendency to over-think things. Turn off that giant brain, and just say you love her too.
Chidi: You think?
Eleanor: If this were some random person you hooked up with at a Diamondbacks game in the parking lot behind the port-a-potties. Not based on a real example... I would say keep mulling, but this is your soul mate. She's Universe-approved. Tell her you love her. [beep]
Chidi: Hey, your score just went up 20 points.
Eleanor: Yeah, 'cause I give great advice. Now maybe you'll finally listen to me and take off those glasses. We are in the afterlife, dummy, nature's Lasik.

Tahani: Now, we shall hear from tonight's featured guest. She's kind, she's humble, she's... the Walmart of friends. Did I use that word right? Eleanor Shellstrop. [sparse applause]
Eleanor: Hi, everyone, I'm Eleanor. Original flavor, not new and improved. I know a lot of bad stuff has happened because of me, but I never meant to hurt you, so if I caused you any harm, I'm truly sorry.
Jessica: That's nice, Eleanor, but I still crashed into a turkey carcass.
Glenn: And I fell into a sinkhole.
Pevita: And my dog got kicked into the sun. What can you possibly say to us that'll make up for your actions?
Eleanor: Pobody's nerfect? [Pevita chuckles] [chuckling spreads]
Pilar: "Pobody's nerfect"? That's hilarious.
Sachveer: Like "nobody's perfect," but the letters switched.
Glenn: That's very funny.
Sachveer: It's nerfect!

Tahani: How did this not work?
Eleanor: There's no way to increase my point total because everything I'm doing is out of self-preservation.
Tahani: I don't understand.
Eleanor: My motivation is corrupt. Even when I do nice things, I'm only doing them so I can get something out of it, the ability to stay here, which means none of this had any real moral value. It doesn't count. Holy shirt. I know what I have to do.

Eleanor: Okay, I am almost done with these personalized "I'm sorry" notes to everyone in the neighborhood. I need you guys to deliver everyone their notes, along with those T-shirts.
[Chidi and Real Eleanor hold up blue and yellow t-shirts featuring Eleanor's face with the text "Pobody's Nerfect"]
Real Eleanor: Well, granted, these are hilarious, but how is this going to help?
Eleanor: Just trust me. I'm gonna get the points.

Jason: Oh, good morning, Dad. Where you been?
Michael: Oh, just walking around, contemplating my failure, wishing for the sweet release of eternal extinction.
Jason: Cool.

Jason: I suffocated to death in... in a safe? I'm a moron. Hey... hey, Janet?
Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Jason: Janet, you need to leave me.
Janet: Why?
Jason: You're the smartest girl in the world...
Janet: I'm not a girl.
Jason: And your dad is an angel. I mean, what a family. I'm just a dope who died in a safe with a snorkel... who's only now realizing why that didn't work. You should be with someone better. I don't deserve you.

Janet: Jason, you are all that I care about, possibly because I did not have the capacity to care about anything before you. I love you. Also, interesting sidenote, I think I might hate things now, too. So far, it's genocide and leggings as pants.
Michael: This is nuts. Just weighing in over here. This is bonkers. Okay, I have to go reboot Janet.
Janet: Why?
Michael: It's the only thing I can think of to do to get rid of this glitch.
Jason: Yo, who you calling a glitch?
Michael: It means "error," Jason, which is what this is.
Janet: Oh, really? Is it an error to act unpredictably and behave in ways that run counter to how you were programmed to behave?
Michael: Yes. Now, you two sit tight. I'm gonna go murder Janet, and I'll be right back.
Jason: Look on the bright side. When you're rebooted, I can teach you all the Dorito flavors again.
Janet: No. I'm not starting over. What if he reboots me, and we fall out of love? We have to get out of here right now.

Eleanor: Oh, hey, Janet. I was just about to call you to ask you to get me a train to the Bad Place.
Jason: Whoa, what?
Eleanor: You have to be a good person to stay here, and I can't become a good person unless I leave.
Janet: You don't belong here, Jason doesn't belong here, and now that I can think and feel, I don't belong here either.
Eleanor: Where are you going with this?
Janet: There is a woman named Mindy St. Clair who lives in a neutral zone by herself. It's neither a Good Place nor a Bad Place.
Eleanor: A Medium Place? Dude, that's where I belong. I've been saying that since day one.
Janet: It's where Jason and I are going. Would you like to come with us to Mindy's house?
Eleanor: Yeah. Let's go hang with Mindy. That sounds great. Love her, huge fan. Call the train.

Jason: Look, there it is now.
Janet: I did not call that train. That train belongs to Shawn, the judge, who's coming here to judge you.
Eleanor: Can you make that train go to Mindy's house?
Janet: Yep.
Eleanor: Then we have to go right now.
Jason: I just have to run home real quick and hit save on the Madden game I was playing because Blake Bortles has, like, 300 yards passing in the first half... [Janet and Eleanor grab Jason and run off]

[flashback:]
Jason: Pillboi, let's talk big picture. You know I love Jacksonville.
Pillboi: J-town.
Jason: It's easily one of the top ten swamp cities in northeastern Florida, but if we're gonna make it in the DJ game, we gotta get to Miami.
Pillboi: Miami's expensive. We just don't got that skrilla, B. I mean, I got ten bucks to my name, and I spent eight of it on this burrito, and the other two on guac.
Jason: I know what we gotta do. We're gonna rob this restaurant.
Pillboi: Great idea! What if we get caught?
Jason: We'll just get married so that no one can testify against us.
Pillboi: Dope. Yo. I got diarrhea. I'll be right back.
Jason: Me too. I'll race you. [laughter]
Both: Best friends!