Eleanor: And in the end, Anthony Anderson and Jerry O'Connell start a successful shampoo company and you see the kangaroo jumping around Australia. That is the plot of the movie Kangaroo Jack. Why did I tell you that?
Michael: It's unclear.

Eleanor: Wow, so you saw your parents in the test?
Tahani: Yes. And I immediately fell right back into my old pattern, desperately trying to impress them and earn their admiration. Then I heard this little voice in my head saying, "Tahani, don't do this."
Eleanor: The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady from Downton Abbey.
Tahani: Oh, yeah, sorry. Maggie Smith is my godmother. Anyway, I took a deep breath, told them I ate a Cheeto, and walked away.
Eleanor: Man. You have made so much progress. I'm proud of you, hot stuff.
Tahani: Whatever progress I have made, it's because you and I have become mates. That's British for "friends."
Eleanor: No, I know.

Eleanor: Hey, man. What's up? [Chidi kisses her] Hot diggity dog. Oh, no! Now the thing I said right after we kissed will always be "hot diggity dog." Whatever. It was an honest reaction. I stand by it.

Jason: Shotgun. Whatever they're talking about, if there's a shotgun, I call shotgun.

Chidi: [video] What do we owe to each other? That is the question Tim Scanlon asked decades ago, and it is a question I will try to answer over the next three hours.
Eleanor: Ugh. No thanks.
Chidi: [video] We all have a voice in our head. That voice doesn't tell us what to do or not do, but it does warn us when we do things that don't feel good or right. The difference between... [time lapse] the term "reasonable," what does it mean to be a reasonable person? I may have a different definition of reasonable... [time lapse] So why do it then? Why choose to be good every day if there is no guaranteed reward we can count on, now or in the afterlife? I argue that we choose to be good because of our bonds with other people and our innate desire to treat them with dignity. Simply put, we are not in this alone.

Judge: So, Michael, you're saying there's a new angle I should consider in this case? Love that. Major drama. Spill the tea, sweetheart.
Michael: The premise of our system is that a person's score during her time on Earth is final and inarguable, but because of my accidental experiment, these four humans got better after they died. That's not supposed to be possible. Over and over again, I watched as they became thoughtful and generous and caring. And think about where they started. Uh, Jason, growing up in Jacksonville, what did you do for fun after school every day?
Jason: Me and my friends whipped empty spray paint cans at flamingos.
Michael: And now he's so much better.
Jason: I was already pretty good. When I was six, I hit one right on the button.
Tahani: Okay, let the immortal beings talk, darling.

Janet: [appears] Hi, Jason. I love you.
Jason: Oh, word?
Janet: Word. I've been avoiding telling you. My excuse was that I needed time to evaluate my complex feelings, but that was just a rationalization. This might be the last time I ever get to talk to you, so there it is... I love you. And I hereby stop avoiding this topic and rationalizing by saying the situation is complicated.
Chidi: Or that my brain is grinding like a fork in a garbage disposal.
Janet: All right. Whatever. You're not really a part of this, Chidi.
Jason: Hey, guess what. I think I love you too, girl.
Janet: I'm not a girl. I'm also not just a Janet anymore. I don't know what I am.

Judge: Hi, guys. Couple quick announcements. Would anyone eat chips and guac if I put it out? It's good. It's homemade. No takers? A'ight. Second thing: we figured out a plan to save your souls.
Michael: For the time being, The Judge is gonna put you in your own medium places, like Mindy St. Clair. And while you're there, I'll keep working every angle I can think of to get you guys into the Good Place, for real.
Jason: This is great. So we'd all be together?
Judge: Oh, no, that's the thing about Medium Places... It has to be tailored to what's medium for the individuals. So if you're all together, it ain't medium.
Chidi: How much time will we be alone?
Michael: Hard to say. Uh, could be a month.
Judge: Could be a million years.
Michael: So, between a month and a million years.
Judge: Yeah, give or take.
Michael: Yeah? Somewhere in there.

Michael: Come on, you guys, I know this isn't perfect, but I need more time to build my case, and it's either this or back to the Bad Place.
Judge: Yeah.
Eleanor: I'll say it. Both those options suck. Okay, I'm sorry if that's blunt, Your Honor, but it's true. Also, Chidi just laid one on me, so I'm kinda dizzy.
Michael: You two kissed? Hot diggity dog!
Eleanor: That's what I said!

Eleanor: My name is Eleanor Shellstrop, and I think I might be a monster. I'm rude, I'm selfish, I cyberbullied Ryan Lochte until he quit Instagram, but something happened to me today, and from now on, I'm gonna try to become a better, kinder, more generous person.
Brittany: Hey, can I use your credit card?
Eleanor: You know what? Yes, you can.
Brittany: Cool. It's for porn. I already used it.