Eleanor: The point is, we've all gotten better. Why should we have to go live alone in a boring void because of a messed-up system? How is that justice?
Judge: Okay. Slow your roll there, Erin Brockovich. First of all, y'all didn't get good enough to pass the tests I just gave you. Second, I still believe that the only reason that you improved in Michael's fake neighborhood is because you thought there was a reward at the end of the rainbow. You're supposed to good things because you're good! Not because you're seeking moral desert.
Michael: And I still believe that they would've become good people if they'd just gotten a... A push in the right direction.
Judge: Oh, no. Nope, nope. Absolutely not.
Michael: It's a little crazy...
Judge: "A little crazy?" It's looney tunes.
Chidi: What are they talking about?
Eleanor: No idea.
Judge: It sets a very dangerous precedent.
Michael: It's only four people. And it's clearly the best way to see if bad people can become good without knowing anything about what's waiting for them in the afterlife.

Judge: It's never gonna work, man.
Michael: If it doesn't, then they go right back to the Bad Place. No one gets hurt. Except them, forever. And me, I assume, also. Forever.
Judge: Mmm... [grunting] okay, let's do it.
Michael: Yes! Ha!
Judge: I don't know why. I'm just feeling kinda funky. But there have to be strict rules. Otherwise, the results will be tainted, and I reserve the right to change my mind at any point.
Eleanor: About what?! Would someone who's not an eternal being please explain to me what the f...

Joe: Why are you like this?
Eleanor: Excuse me? Why am I like this? You don't know me, dude. You don't know what I'm like. Look what you made me do, jagoff.
Cart Attendant: [o.s.] Look out!
Eleanor: Uh-oh.
[As Eleanor is about to be struck by a row of shopping carts, a man knocks her out of the way and walks off. The carts are struck by a passing truck.]
Eleanor: Holy crap. I just almost died.

Eleanor: I was outside the supermarket arguing with that little environmental twerp...
Madison: Ugh, I hate that guy.
Brittany: Really? That skinny little hippy body kinda turns me on.
Madison: Gross.
Eleanor: Guys, listen. I dropped the margarita mix, and when I went to pick it up, a bunch of shopping carts came right at me, and I was just frozen. And then someone pushed me out of the way, and the carts got, like, demolished by a truck. I mean, I could've died.

Madison: I had a near death experience recently. You know that old warehouse that burned down last month and, like, four people died? That building is, like, right by my old dentist. If I still went to that dentist and I had an appointment that day, I would've been like... right near there.
Brittany: I was in Syracuse, New York, like two weeks before 9/11.
Madison: No way! Yeah, 14 days.

Madison: Mm, babes, get in on these nachos. They're delish.
Brittany: Mmm, mmhmm.
Eleanor: I'm actually trying to eat vegetarian.
Brittany: Ew! Why?
Madison: Is it because you feel bad for all the widdle animals with their cute widdle faces because people stuff them into tiny cages just so that we can eat them?
Eleanor: Yeah. That's exactly why.

Brittany: They're suing you?!
Eleanor: This chick is claiming she has whiplash. She wasn't in the car when I hit it!
Brittany: This is on you. You should've pretended like you didn't see it and walked away, like everyone else does.
Eleanor: I know! I've hit your car like six times and never said anything. But I'm trying to be good!
Brittany: [laughs] How is that working out for you?

Brittany: Oof! I still think he's kinda hot.
Eleanor: I guess. In like a sick Victorian boy kind of way.
Brittany: Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where we, like, feed him soup.

Eleanor: So tell me about the new business.
Wallace: We sell classes at a for-profit university, and the classes train people how to sell supplements.
Eleanor: So it's a Ponzi scheme within a Ponzi scheme? That sounds kinda dicey.
Wallace: Oh, it's super dicey. But I'm in witness protection, so technically, I can't be convicted of any crime.
Eleanor: Well, that's definitely not true, but I also don't care. Which one's my desk?

Eleanor: Hi.
Chidi: Oh, I'm sorry. Office hours are on Tuesday.
Eleanor: Oh, I... I'm not a student. Are you Chidi Ana... kendrick?
Chidi: Anagonye, and yes.
Eleanor: From the long, nerdy video about the little voice that tells you to be good?
Chidi: From the Cassat Foundation lecture series on the practical applications of ethical theory. Yes.
Eleanor: Great. Hi. My name is Eleanor Shellstrop. Can we talk?