Eleanor: So crazy that we're at the end of this thing and we have no idea how we did. Janet, any chance you could get a look inside that obelisk? Check that magic scoreboard?
Janet: There is a chance, yes. About 1 in 970 trillion. Let's give her a whirl.
[Janet briefly disappears and returns with her hair ruffled and smoking]
Janet: It did not work. I'll be right back.

Eleanor: Ugh! I feel okay about most of it, but I just wish we had one concrete sign that Brent has improved. One moment where he bumps into someone and sincerely says, "Oops, my bad." You know? I would kill for an "oops, my bad." Who's a girl gotta fork to get an "Oops, my bad"?
Michael: Hey, hey, hey, panicking about this experiment at crucial moments is kind of my move. Don't fall apart on me, now.
Eleanor: I won't. It's just... you know me. On Earth, I never played a game unless I knew I could either win or bribe the ref so he'd throw it for me. And if we lose, I'm gonna be so mad. Ugh!

John: Okay, you call her muffin? I'm getting a lot of breaking news at once here.
Simone: I was gathering evidence. I didn't wanna compromise the integrity of the data collection.
Chidi: Oh, so romantic.
Simone: Here's what I know. Eleanor and Michael are up to something, and it's focused on us.
I mean, there are, like, 300 people in the neighborhood, and somehow they just spend all of their time talking to the six people in this room.
John: Well, I mean, who else are they gonna talk to? Dumb Shorts Cathy? [Brent chuckles]
Chidi: What is your problem with her?
John: I mean, shorts? "Cathy"? What isn't my problem with her?

Simone: Okay, you never told me about this, Ducky.
John: Ducky? I'm gonna have to sit down. This is too much.

Chidi: Well, I swore I wouldn't tell, and keeping your word is a central tenet of deontological ethics.
Simone: Aw, so romantic.
Chidi: Okay, let's assume certain things are odd about this place. What is your theory?
Simone: I don't know. Maybe this isn't the Good Place. Maybe it's a test. My best guess, it's some kind of experiment. We're being observed in a closed environment.
Tahani: Simone, look at this logically. We are in paradise. There's fresh air, mountains, Janet. And yes, some of us are under 5'10", but other than that, it is literally perfect here.
Simone: No, it is not. Jason is proof. And if you need more evidence that this isn't the Good Place, clearly he's not the only one who doesn't belong.
Brent: Actually, she's right, and I know it for a fact.
Chidi: For the first time ever, I am desperate for you to keep talking.

Simone: We have to figure out exactly what is going on here. Okay, just... go to the party, but keep your eyes open. I've got a special mission for us.
Chidi: Oh, I...
John: Oh, good. Muffin and Ducky are on the case.

Michael: Why does everything I do fall apart so close to the end? My first experiment, now this experiment. I only got halfway through writing "The Purple Train to Groovy City." I just ran out of creative juice.

Michael: We have no way to know what this really means for the experiment. I don't think we can play it safe. I have a plan. It's risky. But it might be the only way to get them to where they need to be. Do you trust me?
Eleanor: Yeah. Fork it. Whatever it is, I'm in.
Jason: I'm always down for forking it.
Tahani: We trust you Michael.
Michael: Then trust... the Magnificent Dr. Presto.
Eleanor: Man, you cannot pull that hat out after you ask us if we trust you.

Eleanor: Okay. Ladies and gentlemen... I can't believe I'm saying this. The Magnificent Dr. Presto. [applause]
Michael: Thank you. Now, I know some of you may not believe in magic.
Janet: Well, I think they believe in some magic. Yesterday everybody ate a lollipop that let them talk to birds. [applause]
Michael: Okay, but this is Earth magic. And it's harder. And if you don't understand that, I am here... to change your mind. [laughs] Oh, come on. It started out as a dollar bill and now it's four quarters. "Change your mind"?
Janet: Michael, it's three quarters.
Michael: What? Oh, three quarters. Three quarters, even harder! Thank you! [tepid applause] Can you make them clap harder?
Janet: They see what they see, man.

John: Did you guys find anything?
Simone: Yes, proof that the four of us, and only the four of us, are being forked with.
Chidi: But we still don't have any hard proof that this place is evil or that Michael and Eleanor are nefarious, so, you know, no one's heart needs to break just yet.
Brent: Yeah, I'm with him. This place is fine. Hey, if you guys don't make the cut up to the Best Place, I'll try to put in a good word for you. You guys got business cards?