Derek Quote #15
Quote from Derek in Chidi Sees the Time-Knife
Derek: "How should he love thee? Or how deem thee wise Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering?" Oh, I didn't see you there. I was just reciting some Edgar Allan Poe. Hi. I'm Derek. Welcome to the Medium Place. [blowing bubbles]
Janet: Derek, why are you so different?
Derek: You have Mindy to thank for that. See, she found a plunger sticking out of the ground behind our house, and every time she hits it, I pass out. When I come to, I'm a little bit smarter and a little bit better. Not to brag, but I almost have a full-grown penis now. It's resplendent and mostly functional.
Janet: How many times has Mindy rebooted you?
Derek: I don't know. Half a million.
Janet: What?
Derek: She reboots me a lot. Sometimes when she's bored or just needs some "alone time." Sometimes just for laughs. [laughs] Derek. Shall we head inside?
The Good Place Quotes
‘Chidi Sees the Time-Knife’ Quotes
Quote from Judge
Michael: Amazingly, Your Honor, he's right. I didn't really understand people until I went to Earth. Maybe you should give it a shot. If you still don't see things our way, then we'll drop it, and you can, you know, zappy, zappy, marble, marble.
Judge: Yeah, sure. I'll give it a shot. I'll go down there. See what you guys "go through". And then one way or another, this is going to end. Hey, do you guys know a good place where I can get Mexican food? Oh... [scoffs] Mexico. Duh. [disappears]
Michael: Whoa.
Tahani: [sighs] Well, how long will she be gone?
Michael: No way to tell. Uh, my guess is...
Judge: [reappears] Oh, brother. That was rough.
Eleanor: Right?
Judge: Sheesh. Earth is a mess, y'all. Woof! Also, I guess I'm Black? And they do not like Black ladies down there. Crap, y'all. This is bad.
Quote from Michael
Michael: All right. Why don't we all sit down so I can fill the Judge in on what we've learned? Your Honor, I once stood in front of you and said I thought there was something wrong with the points system. I finally know what it is. Life now is so complicated, it's impossible for anyone to be good enough for the Good Place. I know you don't like to learn too much about life on Earth to remain impartial, but these days just buying a tomato at a grocery store means that you are unwittingly supporting toxic pesticides, exploiting labor, contributing to global warming. Humans think that they're making one choice, but they're actually making dozens of choices they don't even know they're making.
Judge: Your big revelation is life is complicated? That's not a revelation. That's a divorced woman's throw pillow. I mean, this guy chose this tomato. Those are the consequences. You don't want the consequences? Do the research. Buy another tomato. What else you got?
Michael: Um... I'll tell you what else I got, uh... I got this. ["floss" dance]
Eleanor: Michael. What... what are you doing?
Michael: The Backpack Kid dance.
Eleanor: Why?
Michael: I don't know. It makes people happy. Is it helping?
Quote from Jason
Chidi: Can I say something? Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote...
Jason: Boring! [grunts] I got this. I want to tell you about a guy from my dance crew in Jacksonville called Big Noodle.
Eleanor: Well, we gave it our best shot, guys. It was nice knowing you.
Jason: I used to yell at Big Noodle 'cause he always showed up late to rehearsal. Then one day, the swamp under my house flooded. I needed a place to crash, so I slept at Big Noodle's house. Turns out that he had to juggle three jobs to take care of four grandparents who all lived in the same bed just like in Willy Wonka. I never yelled at Big Noodle for being late after that 'cause I knew how hard it was for him to be there. And he definitely didn't have time to research what tomatoes to buy. Even if he wanted to, possession of a non-fried vegetable is a felony in Jacksonville. The point is, you can't judge humans 'cause you don't know what we go through.