Eleanor: So, how bad is contestant number one? Murderer? War criminal? Instagram DJ?
Michael: Uh, yeah, uh...
Eleanor: Are you okay?
Michael: Mm-hmm. Yep. Just a little jittery. Last time I designed a neighborhood, things didn't really go according to plan.
Eleanor: Eh, plans are for wimps. We should have done this Shellstrop-style: Don't prepare at all, get drunk the morning of the test, BS our way through it, and then brag about how we didn't even study and still got a C-plus.

Jason: So you're telling me I can't get any pancakes at this IHOP?
Michael: It's not the place you're thinking of. This is the Inter-dimensional Hole of Pancakes. It's the crossroads of all dimensions, like Grand Central Station but for space and time. If you eat anything in this IHOP, you will literally explode.
Jason: Yeah, I know. It's IHOP. [high-fives Eleanor]

Jason: Okay, everyone, just be cool. I know exactly what's going on. We all smoked too much salvia. We got to ride this out for about two, three minutes, and then we'll be back in Pillboi's broken hot tub, and this will all be over.

Chidi: I... I just saw a trillion different realities folding onto each other like thin sheets of metal, forming a single blade.
Michael: Yeah, yeah, the Time-Knife. We've all seen it. Let's get back on track, bud.
Chidi: Oh, okay, sure. What I was saying, um, before, you know... I saw the Time-Knife? Is this... Michael is right. His Neighborhood gave us the chance to become better people because it removed all the variables that make life on Earth hard.
Eleanor: Yeah, uh, there was no rent to pay, no racism, no sexism.
Tahani: No awards-show gift-suite publicist infighting. What? Those gift suites can be a real minefield.
Chidi: But Shawn is also right. The four of us becoming better people could be a fluke. So let's repeat the experiment. It's what Simone taught us about data collection. Try it again and see if you get the same results.
Michael: Of course! I build a new neighborhood. We choose four new people, tell them they're in the Good Place, create challenges for them, track their progress. My guess is they will do what the original four did. Seek help, support each other, make wise decisions, improve. If they do, then it's proof that humans are not "bad, full stop, end of story."
Shawn: This is so stupid. Where would you even put this neighborhood? I wouldn't allow it to be built in the Good Place, that's for sure. And I doubt you'd want to come back to my neck of the woods.
Eleanor: Ooh. I have an idea.

Judge: So here are the rules. Michael designs the new Neighborhood however he wants. The Bad Place gets to choose the four new humans. But they have to be the same general level of badness as the original four, all right? No serial killers, no dictators, no one who managed a boy band. Michael will not get the files in advance, so he does not have forever to plan. But he can then change the neighborhood however he wants.
Shawn: Yeah, I have about a billion objections to this.
Michael: So do I.
Judge: Good. That means it's a fair compromise.

Michael: Well, what other option do we have?
Derek: Would anybody like a Medium snack? I myself will be enjoying another classy martini. Don't mind if I do.
Janet: [gasps] I can make the people. Just like I made Derek.
Michael: Are you sure?
Janet: Yes. If the Judge restores my powers in the Medium Place, I can do it. They'll be way more advanced than the original Derek. No offense.
Derek: None taken.
Judge: Okay, the other residents will be comprised of Janet babies. You will have one year of Earth time to try to improve the humans. I will be monitoring everything to ensure there's no cheating and to track the humans' progress. Deal?

Chidi: This house was built to torture you. Why did you have Michael re-create it exactly?
Eleanor: Well, in the memories I watched, this was where we fell in love. So I figured, why mess with success? I mean, blegh, what am I saying? This house is stupid. And you're lame, and I hate you.
Chidi: I love you, too.
Eleanor: This is gonna be fun. I mean, I know we have to help these new people, but most of the time, we'll just get to live together like a normal couple. We can chill out and just relax...
Chidi: Have sex.
Eleanor: ...and study philosophy... Horndog.
Chidi: Nerd!

Michael: [answers video call from the Judge] Hello, Your Honor.
Shawn: [chuckles] You fell for it. It's me, Shawn. Just wanted to wish you bad luck.
Michael: Trying to psyche me out? You must be scared.
Shawn: Oh, I'm very confident. I think we've picked some excellent subjects for your stupid experiment. When you fail, and you will, I've got something special cooked up for your four little friends.
Michael: Let me guess, they're gonna be tortured with penis-flatteners and bees with teeth. You are so predictable. Why don't you at least switch it up once in a while? Try using teeth-flatteners and bees with penises.
Shawn: First of all, that's stupid. But also, we are switching it up. When you fail, the four humans will be tortured for all eternity. But guess who's going to be doing the torturing?
Michael suit: [on video] Hello, idiot. [chuckles]
Shawn: We built a Michael suit. The boys down in R&D said it couldn't be done. So I made it out of them. That's Vicky in there right now, taking you for a spin.
Michael: You are disgusting.
Michael suit: Disgusting-ah.
Shawn: Oh, Michael. It's going to be so amazing watching your four BFFs look so sad and betrayed and confused as you, their reformed demon-daddy, unleash a swarm of... penis bees. I invented those. That was me.
Michael: Well, I will just tell them what you're going to do, and they'll know that it isn't really me.
Shawn: And we'll erase their memories of you telling them. Thanks for inventing that little trick, by the way. Very useful. Have fun, Michael. Enjoy everything that is about to overwhelm you.
Shawn & Michael suit: Mm, bye, bitch!

Tahani: Why are we meeting there?
Michael: The Judge's powers are limited in the IHOP, so she can't just retire me on the spot. And I believe that when she hears what I've discovered about the points system, she'll take our side. If not, then we'll jump hrough a portal to another dimension, hope our molecules don't liquefy, and regroup from there. Excuse me. [puts hand through portal] Okay. Now watch your step.
Chidi: Hey, so... Yeah, so... I don't want to go in there.
Michael: I get that. Come here. Here are your options. Option number one...
[Chidi screams as Michael pushes him through the portal]
Eleanor: Cruel but necessary.

Michael: Oh, look at this. They added a tenth dimension. [all yelping] Boy. Permits must have been a headache.