Michael Quote #274
Quote from Michael in Chidi Sees the Time-Knife
Michael: All right. Why don't we all sit down so I can fill the Judge in on what we've learned? Your Honor, I once stood in front of you and said I thought there was something wrong with the points system. I finally know what it is. Life now is so complicated, it's impossible for anyone to be good enough for the Good Place. I know you don't like to learn too much about life on Earth to remain impartial, but these days just buying a tomato at a grocery store means that you are unwittingly supporting toxic pesticides, exploiting labor, contributing to global warming. Humans think that they're making one choice, but they're actually making dozens of choices they don't even know they're making.
Judge: Your big revelation is life is complicated? That's not a revelation. That's a divorced woman's throw pillow. I mean, this guy chose this tomato. Those are the consequences. You don't want the consequences? Do the research. Buy another tomato. What else you got?
Michael: Um... I'll tell you what else I got, uh... I got this. ["floss" dance]
Eleanor: Michael. What... what are you doing?
Michael: The Backpack Kid dance.
Eleanor: Why?
Michael: I don't know. It makes people happy. Is it helping?
The Good Place Quotes
‘Chidi Sees the Time-Knife’ Quotes
Quote from Judge
Chidi: Where did you go, exactly?
Judge: Tanzania, Paraguay, Vietnam, Denmark. It's terrible everywhere and always in a different way. The only place I liked was Hawaii, although I barely left the resort. The last place I went was a Black Friday sale at an outlet mall in Michigan.
Tahani: Why?
Judge: For the deals. Earth stinks, y'all. It's hot, and it's crowded, but somehow also cold and lonely. I thought it was going to be so easy to make good decisions. The first thing I did was I googled "big, juicy natural tomatoes," which led me to a porn site that was for people with a sunburn fetish or... I kind of never recovered.
Michael: Right. That's problem number one. Life is chaotic and messy and unpredictable. Problem number two: even if you do somehow manage to make good decisions, you still lose points because of the unintended consequences.
Eleanor: Yeah, there are booby traps everywhere. Like, there's this chicken sandwich that if you eat it, it means you hate gay people. And it's delicious.
Judge: It is. It is so good.
Chidi: And I essentially tried to do what you suggested. I obsessed over every choice. But that was also bad, and I still got sent to the Bad Place. So, I'm problem number three.
Judge: Oh, no, you are nobody's problem, sweetheart. [sighs] You know, we got to figure this out.
Quote from Jason
Chidi: Can I say something? Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote...
Jason: Boring! [grunts] I got this. I want to tell you about a guy from my dance crew in Jacksonville called Big Noodle.
Eleanor: Well, we gave it our best shot, guys. It was nice knowing you.
Jason: I used to yell at Big Noodle 'cause he always showed up late to rehearsal. Then one day, the swamp under my house flooded. I needed a place to crash, so I slept at Big Noodle's house. Turns out that he had to juggle three jobs to take care of four grandparents who all lived in the same bed just like in Willy Wonka. I never yelled at Big Noodle for being late after that 'cause I knew how hard it was for him to be there. And he definitely didn't have time to research what tomatoes to buy. Even if he wanted to, possession of a non-fried vegetable is a felony in Jacksonville. The point is, you can't judge humans 'cause you don't know what we go through.
Quote from Judge
Michael: Amazingly, Your Honor, he's right. I didn't really understand people until I went to Earth. Maybe you should give it a shot. If you still don't see things our way, then we'll drop it, and you can, you know, zappy, zappy, marble, marble.
Judge: Yeah, sure. I'll give it a shot. I'll go down there. See what you guys "go through". And then one way or another, this is going to end. Hey, do you guys know a good place where I can get Mexican food? Oh... [scoffs] Mexico. Duh. [disappears]
Michael: Whoa.
Tahani: [sighs] Well, how long will she be gone?
Michael: No way to tell. Uh, my guess is...
Judge: [reappears] Oh, brother. That was rough.
Eleanor: Right?
Judge: Sheesh. Earth is a mess, y'all. Woof! Also, I guess I'm Black? And they do not like Black ladies down there. Crap, y'all. This is bad.