Michael: [on TV] [alarm blares] Good afternoon. As you all may remember, a sinkhole recently opened up in the town center. The situation, sadly, has worsened. Starting right now, no one may go outside under any circumstances. Leaving your homes could result in catastrophic damage, to you and to the very fabric of the universe. Okay, bye.
Eleanor: [to Chidi] Or we could both just stay here.

Eleanor: Look at all these dishes piling up. I used to just throw them in the sink, and they'd be magically cleaned by morning.
Chidi: I did that. I cleaned the dishes.
Eleanor: Oh. Then what's up with these bad boys?
Chidi: You are unbelievable.
Eleanor: Are you still upset? You're not over it yet?
Chidi: How can I be over it? We haven't discussed it or even spoken for days.
Eleanor: Well, it sounds like you've had a really nice "vacation" from your "full-time job." Get your story straight, bro!

Michael: Hey, guys, it's Michael.
Eleanor: Hi, Michael, what a lovely surprise.
Michael: Oh, I'd love to make small talk... I've been practicing, too. I'm amazing at it... but I'm in a bit of a rush here. This is Bart and Nina. They live right next door to the, uh, sinkhole, so they obviously need a place to stay. I was wondering, as my assistant, maybe you could put them up for a while?
Eleanor: Oh, of course. Don't... don't think twice.
Michael: Okay, shouldn't take long. Between an hour and, um... 11 months. Somewhere in there. Okay, bye. [closes door then opens it again] Don't go outside. [exits]

Tahani: Hello, everyone, and welcome to day three of our brunch siege. I stayed up all night to plan a full day of fun activities. Just check the schedule I made.
Henriette: Tahani, you are truly the best.
Tahani: Yes, you would think so, wouldn't you, Henriette?

Nina: Thank you guys so much. Sorry for the imposition.
Eleanor: Oh, bah.
Bart: Oh, well, if you want to know the truth, we asked Michael if we could stay with you. We are obsessed with your relationship. Always whispering, locking yourself in the house all day.
Nina: I thought I was an expert in true love 'cause of my old job, but I have a lot to learn from you guys.
Eleanor: Your job? What was your job?
Nina: I was a marriage counselor. You could say I wrote the book on healthy relationships. And I did! [both laughing] It's called, "How to Spot Problems in a Marriage From 100 Miles Away."
Eleanor & Chidi: Oh, cool. Really cool. Cool. Really, really cool. Cool, cool.
Chidi: And what about you, Bart?
Bart: Oh, well, my job wasn't nearly as interesting. I started a company that investigated identity theft. Analyzing body language, tracking and catching people pretending to be someone they're not. It's... pssh, snooze, am I right?

Chidi: They're gonna catch us! This is an extremely precarious situation! I am vexed, Eleanor!
Eleanor: A marriage counselor and a human lie detector isn't my first choice for company, either. But they have no reason to suspect us! Plus, I think they may have actually just come here to, you know... swing. I say we do it. It'll get 'em to stop asking questions.
Chidi: No, I am not going to have sex with someone to get them to stop talking to me!
Eleanor: Really? You and I are very different.
Chidi: Yeah, I noticed!
Eleanor: You know what, man? I have spent every second in this place worried I was gonna get caught, but if we go down right now, that's on you, okay? Oh, you spend all your time teaching a charming, awesome lady? How sad for you. Face it, dude. I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. Because guess what, Chidi? Ya basic!
Chidi: Eleanor...
Eleanor: Yeah, I know, you want to do that thing where we're arguing and fighting, but then suddenly it's like, "Whoa, this is hot," and we start making out. Dream on! Or, whatever, fine, let's just do it.
Chidi: No, Eleanor, look. [they wave to Nina and Bart through the window]

Eleanor: So how much of that did you hear?
Bart: We couldn't hear you, but I'm an expert in non-verbal communication, and it is clear... you are in conflict.
Nina: We're not judging you. This has been a tough couple of weeks. I'm sure the stress of the sinkhole has caused lots of soul mate squabbles.
Eleanor: Yes, that's what it is. A squabble. We're squabbling.
Chidi: Squabble, squabble!
Nina: I can help. I'm gonna take your relationship and put it under a microscope and dig and poke and prod until you are back to soul mate harmony. Eleanor, why don't you...
Chidi: She never does the dishes. I have to do them all the time.
Eleanor: We just have different interests. I like relaxing, he likes getting on my case about the dishes.
Bart: I'm getting a lot of repressed anger. I suspected this when I arrived, but now I'm sure. You are hiding something.
Eleanor: What on earth would I be...
Bart: No, no, no, not you. Him.

Michael: Tahani, this sinkhole is incredibly dangerous. If a human gets too close to it, there could be disastrous side effects. [shimmering tones]
Tahani: What's... what's happening to me?
Janet: Oh, that's one of the side effects.
Michael: Janet, knock her out while we still have time.
Tahani: Knock me out? What does that...
Janet: Boop. [Tahani falls to the ground]

Eleanor: Hey, boss. So you fixed the sinkhole.
Michael: Yup, good as new. Crisis averted. Everybody have a wonderful day, because I fixed the sinkhole. [quietly to Eleanor] I didn't fix the sinkhole.
Eleanor: Sorry?
Michael: I tried and I tried, but nothing worked. And then all of a sudden... this morning, out of the blue, it just... whoop! It just closed over.
Eleanor: Huh. How 'bout that? Well, as your assistant, I officially declare this good news.
Michael: No, this is terrible news! I have no idea what caused it, Eleanor. And no idea what fixed it. I want you to come to my office first thing in the morning. You and I are gonna find this problem.