‘Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis’
Season 1, Episode 5 - Aired October 6, 2016
Michael orders everyone to stay at home as the sinkhole keeps growing. Meanwhile, Chidi is stressed out from having to teach Eleanor, and Tahani snoops around "the manual".
Quote from Chidi
Chidi: Guys, really, it's no big deal.
Nina: "It's not a big deal" is nearly always code for "something is wrong."
Eleanor: Boom! That's what I said. I should've been a marriage counselor.
Bart: Okay, Chidi, out with it. What is so unsatisfying about your soul mate relationship?
Eleanor: Be honest, Chidi. Be, like, the exact right amount of honest so that we can both be happy.
Chidi: I never had a soul mate on earth. I-I never even really had a girlfriend that I "loved." And when I got here, and Michael said I would finally meet my actual soul mate, I was so excited. And it isn't... exactly... what I thought.
Nina: You've never had an intense relationship before. This is all uncharted territory.
Bart: No wonder you're so tense. You know, Nina and I are skilled in the art of massage. Uh, not erotic massage. Although, it can be, and it often leads there, anyway...
Eleanor: Okay, well, you know what? You guys have given us so much to think about. And I think we should go to bed. Just the two of us, alone. Just us. [whispers] I know it's not the right time, but I told you.
Quote from Michael
Michael: Tahani, wake up, dear.
Tahani: Michael. Did it work? Did I fix the sinkhole? Am I a heroine?
Michael: No, you did something catastrophically stupid and we had to knock you unconscious. Why in the world did you go outside?
Tahani: Because I saw the rankings in the manual.
Michael: That manual is only meant to be seen by Architects and Janets. It's got some very sensitive material. Plus some song lyrics I've been working on, and I'd rather not let people see those until they're finished.
Quote from Tahani
Michael: Anyway, why did seeing the rankings unravel you so?
[flashback:]
Eunice: I was so sorry to hear of your parents' passing. Please bear with me as I share their last will and testament. "To Kamilah, we have left £68 million, the home in Kensington, the yacht, and other assorted weekend boats."
Tahani: Well, what did they leave their second favorite child?
Eunice: There's still quite a lot of money and property that goes to you. There is one issue, however. They have, um, spelled your name incorrectly in the will.
Tahani: You've got to be kidding me.
Eunice: It says, "We bequeath the rest of our estate to Tahini." Like the sauce.
Tahani: You know what? I don't want the money. My sister can have it all. My whole life, I have lived in your shadow, but now I'm going to step out of it. I am going to reach heights of success and sophistication that you can only dream of.
Kamilah Al-Jamil: Your cardigan's on inside out.
Tahani: I know! It's a new trend that I am starting. Just one example of how I'm going to step out of your shadow.
Quote from Tahani
Tahani: Oh, I'm sorry that I looked at the rankings, Michael. But I just don't understand how I'm so low. My entire life, I have tried to be extraordinary, but it just never seemed to be enough.
Michael: Ah. And you thought you could increase your ranking by helping us fix the sinkhole. Tahani, the point evaluations stop the moment you die. But also, out of literally billions, you were one of the most remarkable people on Earth. You have nothing left to prove, to anyone.
Janet: [appears] [chiming] Hi, there. The sinkhole has begun to repair itself. [Tahani gasps]
Michael: It has?
Tahani: Could it be... But how... Did I...? "Tahani saves the un..."
Michael: No, no, no. Still not you. You have nothing to do with it. We've got to leave immediately.
Quote from Eleanor
Chidi: What's this about?
Eleanor: Well, here's what I realized. It's not just that helping me is a full-time job that you feel you have to do. The real problem is, that the more you help me, the greater the chance is that I can stay here, and me staying here means you'll never get a real soul mate. I'm basically a Utilitarian nightmare. [Chidi laughs] Every ounce of my happiness leads to a ton of pain for you. So... every time the simple fact of my existence starts to bum you out, I want you to hold this up. [Chidi laughs as Eleanor holds up a card reading "Fork off, Eleanor"] At which point, I will leave you alone for as long as you need. I know we'll never be soul mates, but we're friends. Now get in this boat and read some boring French poetry.
Chidi: [out in the lake] I... I've never actually done this before. This is a theoretical fantasy. How do you row a boat?
Quote from Michael
Janet: [appears] Hi, there! We have a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis.
Michael: A Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis?
Janet: Mm-hmm.
Tahani: Sorry, what is a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis?
Michael: It's nothing, it's a tiny little inconvenience. Tahani, dear, could you show us to a private room where no one can see or hear us, even if I yell very loudly out of fear?
Quote from Tahani
Tahani: Still second to last. [sighs]
[flashback:]
Manisha Al-Jamil: Tahani! This auction threatens to be an embarrassing failure.
Tahani: 5.2 million isn't bad.
Waqas Al-Jamil: It's very "middle-thermometer." Your public failure is our public failure.
Manisha Al-Jamil: You know what has to be done.
[later:]
Tahani: I'm very pleased to announce that there has been an addition to today's docket. I'm sure you all know my sister, Kamilah. [cheers and applause] Yes. Kamilah. Kamilah, of course, is the youngest person ever to graduate from Oxford University, she's a world-class painter, social activist, iconoclast, Olympic gold medalist for archery, a BAFTA Award-winner for her documentary on her Grammy Award-winning album, and the person voted "Most Likely to be Banksy." So without further ado, take it away from me! Sorry, I mean take it away, Kamilah. [applause]
Kamilah Al-Jamil: I am auctioning off a lunch date with me. [crowd exclaims] The bidding shall commence at £3 million. [excited murmuring]
Waqas Al-Jamil: 5 million!
Quote from Michael
Janet: It appears that the sinkhole is not repairing itself.
Michael: This is very bad, Janet. We have to go into the sinkhole and fix it by hand. Get the tools.
Tahani: Sorry, can I be of any service?
Michael: Ah, Tahani. Didn't see you there. Uh, no, no. We're just having a slight problem with the enormous sinkhole.
Tahani: Yes, I meant to tell you... I walked past it last night and I... I actually saw it get a little bit bigger.
Michael: [gasps and exclaims] It got bigger? Ah, well, that's... that's so normal. Um, this is the reaction I have when things are incredibly mundane and expected. I'm gonna leave now... at my regular pace, as I do in most scenarios. [runs off]
Quote from Chidi
Chidi: Okay, well, in this case, it really is no big deal.
Eleanor: Dude, you're hiding something! What's wrong?
Chidi: Nothing!
Eleanor: What... is... wrong?
Quote from Tahani
Tahani: Jianyu's second? Oh, well done, my love. So where am I? Eleanor, 6th? Come off. [scoffs] Oh, no. I'm second to last.
[flashback:]
Young Tahani: Mummy, I made you this. It's the pretty bird we saw in the garden.
Manisha Al-Jamil: Thank you, Tahani. It's very... competent.
Kamilah Al-Jamil: I made a bird, as well. I worked in a reflective alloy, holding up a mirror to mankind and its mistreatment of these defenseless animals.
Waqas Al-Jamil: Excellent, Kamilah. I sense the influence of Brancusi and Kapoor.
Manisha Al-Jamil: It seems you're moving out of your structural period, and more into conceptual abstraction.
Kamilah Al-Jamil: Good eye, Mother. I grew tired of objective representation. I trust my audience.
Young Tahani: My birdie has a hat.
Waqas Al-Jamil: Yes, well done, Tahani.