Dorothy: What is this $2500 deduction for a gift? This is a receipt for the diamond ring that you gave me on our 38th wedding anniversary.
Stan: I know.
Dorothy: You spent $2500 on me?
Stan: Yeah. I figured after 38 years, you deserve something major. Listen, I know we've had our differences, but you've always stuck by me when it really counted. I'll always love you for that.
Dorothy: Oh, thank you, Stanley. Stanley, what are all these deductions for a Corvette and a rented garage?
Stan: Dorothy, don't get mad. And don't hit me if you do. I kind of bought a Corvette without telling you.
Dorothy: You bought a car without telling me?
Stan: I couldn't help myself. I was going through a mid-life crisis.
Dorothy: So was I. I gave myself a perm and took up Jazzercise. You bought a car without telling me?!

Stan: Wendell, if I may call you Wendell, did I mention that I'm a member of the Rainbow Coalition?
Mr. Murray: Mr. And Mrs. Zbornak, may I remind you that as an employee of the Internal Revenue Service, it is my sole obligation to see that the government gets all the money it has coming to it?
Stan: And I'll bet you do a fine job of it.
Mr. Murray: Thank you. However, I have no personal stake in this whatsoever. Now, is that understood?
Dorothy: Oh, yes. Yes.
Stan: You bet, my man.
Mr. Murray: Then cut the crap, paisan.

Blanche: I don't understand. I just don't seem to be able to attract as many men as I used to. Maybe it's just the beginning of the end. Maybe- Maybe I'll never have another date again, as long as I live.
Dorothy: Don't be ridiculous. Not you, Blanche.
Blanche: You're right. I am being ridiculous. If anybody never has another date, it'll probably be you. Thank you, Dorothy. I feel so much better.

Rose: Hi, girls. Guess what I'll be doing for three hours every Tuesday and Thursday night?
Dorothy: Cutting up your black pantyhose and putting on an Amos 'n Andy puppet show?
Rose: No, but what a great idea.
Dorothy: Terrific, now you have something to do on Wednesdays.

Sophia: Dinner's ready.
Rose: Ooh. What are we having?
Sophia: Spaghetti.
Rose: Italian food?
Sophia: No, Rose, actually it's Chinese food wearing a marinara suit.

Blanche: Dorothy, Stan's here to see you.
Stan: Hi, everybody. [all groan] Sorry to barge in on your meal.
Dorothy: It's all right. Would you like some spaghetti? It's delicious.
Stan: Did you make it?
Dorothy: No.
Stan: I'd love some.
Sophia: Are you here for a reason or did you come for free food?
Dorothy: Ma, please, the man is a guest in our home. What the hell do you want, Stanley?

Stan: Well, it seems the IRS found a few discrepancies in my tax returns. So I think we may have a slight problem.
Dorothy: Stanley, we have not been together for a long time. Your tax return is your problem.
Stan: Not exactly. You see, they've decided to go over the returns for the last few years, and a few years ago, we were still married. Babe, I'm afraid we're being audited.
Dorothy: What?
Rose: He said, "Babe, I'm afraid"-
Dorothy: I heard him, Rose!

Blanche: Just relax, Dorothy, sometimes they just randomly audit people. It doesn't mean there's a problem.
Stan: There's a problem.
Blanche: Oh, that's too bad. Pass the meatballs.
Stan: Dorothy, I take total blame for this. I know it's a bummer, but no matter what comes down, we're in this together, babe. Of course, I won't know till we reconstruct our finances, but the way I figure it we will probably have to pay a small fee.
Rose: That doesn't sound so bad.
Stan: Unless we get a prison term. But don't worry about it, I'll come by tomorrow night, we'll sit down and go over all the receipts. Pass the Parmesan-
Dorothy: I will not. Now get out, Stanley.
Stan: Calm down. I can eat it plain.

Dorothy: Gee, Rose, if I closed my eyes, I'd swear I was in Ecuador.
Sophia: Sorry, that was me.

Blanche: Okay, Rose, I'm ready for class.
Dorothy: You look like you're going to a cocktail party.
Rose: Si. Muchos muchos bazoomas.
Blanche: Well, gracias, honey.