Stan: Hi, it's me, Stan.
Dorothy: Come on in, Stan. Oh, so thoughtful of you to bring garbage.
Stan: These are my tax receipts. Our future is in this bag.
Dorothy: How appropriate.

Stan: Blanche, you look great in that blouse. Are those new? I mean Is that new?
Blanche: Stanley, you naughty boy. When was the last time somebody gave you a spanking?
Stan: Vegas.

Stan: Sophia, you look younger than ever.
Sophia: Thank you, Stan. That's a beautiful toupee you're wearing. There, now we're both liars.

Sophia: What's all the racket?
Dorothy: Oh, nothing. I could just murder Stan. He bought a Corvette without telling me.
Sophia: So what are you complaining about? Your father used to things without telling me all the time. How do you think I got pregnant with your brother Phil?

Blanche: Rose, honey, what are you still doing up?
Rose: Studying for my Spanish test. Like somebody else I know should be.
Blanche: Don't strain yourself. Here.
Rose: Blanche, these are the answers to the test. Where did you get these?
Blanche: I'll give you one guess.
Rose: You slept with the teacher.
Blanche: Of course I didn't sleep with the teacher. You have to be very careful these days. I promised I would if he gave me the answers. I call it "safe-teasing."

Rose: Poor Dorothy, what are you doing up again?
Dorothy: I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I see Uncle Sam going through my purse.
Blanche: You still worried about the money you owe the government?
Dorothy: Oh, no, Blanche, I'm worried about whether Michael Jackson will be able to buy the remains of the Elephant Man.
Rose: Really? Gee, I'd be worried about the money.

Sophia: Let me tell you girls the three most important things I learned about life. Number one: Hold fast to your friends. Number two: There's no such thing as security. And number three: Don't go see Ishtar.

Dorothy: No, this isn't for sale. I mean, there are some things that have no price. This means a lot to me. My husband gave it to me after 38 years of marriage.
Blanche: And after 38 years of marriage, he also dumped you for a 23-year-old stewardess with firm thighs and perky breasts.
Dorothy: You got yourself a ring, muchacho.

Stan: Uh, Dorothy, uh, listen. I, um, I'm really sorry about all of this. It's all my fault. Here. A little something for you.
Dorothy: My ring.
Stan: I didn't want you to sell it. Not like this.
Dorothy: How did you know?
Stan: I called while you were out. Sophia told me what happened, so I went and bought it back.
Dorothy: Stanley, you didn't have to do that.
Stan: I wanted to do it, Dorothy. Because, in spite of everything, you're still the best.

Dorothy: I think I'm gonna cry.
Blanche: Now, honey, don't do that. Your eyes will get all beady, and your nose will swell up like Karl Malden.