Sophia: The guy from the ad will be here any second. How do I look?
Dorothy: Ma, you forgot to zip up your dress.
Sophia: I didn't forget. He's probably got arthritis. Why make it any harder?

Dorothy: What is going on here?
Sophia: I'm looking through the personals to find myself a man. Remember what that is, Dorothy? It's an animal, kind of like a woman, except that it's got a-
Dorothy: Ma!

Dorothy: Marvin, what the hell is going on here?
Sophia: Isn't it obvious? They put an ad in the magazine to lure an unsuspecting cutie like me into their web of sex games. They want me to be their love slave.

Dorothy: You two have a lot of explaining to do.
Marvin: I'm sorry, Sarah. I told them we're married.
Sarah: Oh, dear.
Dorothy: Why did you lie to my mother?
Sarah: I didn't want to lie. We were going to tell the truth as soon as we were sure that Sophia was the one we wanted.
Dorothy: Then it is true! You wanted my mother for sex games. Oh, God, this is so unbelievable.
Sophia: It's not that unbelievable.

Sophia: No visible means of life support. I like that in a man.

Blanche: Rose, you remembered. A kiss unlocked your memory.
Rose: One doesn't forget a kiss like that.
Blanche: Oh, that's so romantic.
Rose: No, it isn't. That man didn't know how to kiss 40 years ago, and he doesn't know how to kiss today.

Blanche: I still don't understand why you cannot remember this man. He says you seriously dated. I mean, how many boyfriends could a naive farmer's daughter possibly have had? Two? Three?
Rose: Well, it depends. What's your definition of a boyfriend?
Blanche: Any man you bring to a fevered pitch of uncontrollable ecstasy.
Rose: Oh. Fifty-six.
Blanche: Excuse me?
Rose: I had about 56 boyfriends. Of course, that was before I knew Charlie. I probably would have had more, but I wasn't allowed to start dating until I was a senior.
Blanche: Fifty-six? Fifty-six?
Dorothy: Oh, God, stand back. She's gonna blow!

Blanche: I'm the biggest slut.

Marvin: I didn't mean to just blurt it out, but I can explain, and I know you and your daughter must have a lot of questions.
Sophia: You bet we do. And by the way, Dorothy's not my daughter. She's my lesbian lover.
Dorothy: Ma.
Sophia: See, Marvin? How do you like it? Not a pretty picture, is it?

Rose: So what's the problem?
Sophia: His sister. It's weird. We can't do anything without her. I haven't been alone with him yet. You know how hard it is to make out with a guy when his sister's sitting next to you?
Rose & Blanche: Boy, do I ever.
Blanche: Now, you stop that. You just stop that.