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Old Boyfriends

‘Old Boyfriends’

Season 7, Episode 13 -  Aired January 4, 1992

Rose is visited by an old boyfriend from St. Olaf who she cannot remember dating. Meanwhile, Sophia answers a personal ad.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: The guy from the ad will be here any second. How do I look?
Dorothy: Ma, you forgot to zip up your dress.
Sophia: I didn't forget. He's probably got arthritis. Why make it any harder?

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Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: What is going on here?
Sophia: I'm looking through the personals to find myself a man. Remember what that is, Dorothy? It's an animal, kind of like a woman, except that it's got a-
Dorothy: Ma!

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: No visible means of life support. I like that in a man.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Rose, you remembered. A kiss unlocked your memory.
Rose: One doesn't forget a kiss like that.
Blanche: Oh, that's so romantic.
Rose: No, it isn't. That man didn't know how to kiss 40 years ago, and he doesn't know how to kiss today.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Marvin, what the hell is going on here?
Sophia: Isn't it obvious? They put an ad in the magazine to lure an unsuspecting cutie like me into their web of sex games. They want me to be their love slave.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: You two have a lot of explaining to do.
Marvin: I'm sorry, Sarah. I told them we're married.
Sarah: Oh, dear.
Dorothy: Why did you lie to my mother?
Sarah: I didn't want to lie. We were going to tell the truth as soon as we were sure that Sophia was the one we wanted.
Dorothy: Then it is true! You wanted my mother for sex games. Oh, God, this is so unbelievable.
Sophia: It's not that unbelievable.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: I still don't understand why you cannot remember this man. He says you seriously dated. I mean, how many boyfriends could a naive farmer's daughter possibly have had? Two? Three?
Rose: Well, it depends. What's your definition of a boyfriend?
Blanche: Any man you bring to a fevered pitch of uncontrollable ecstasy.
Rose: Oh. Fifty-six.
Blanche: Excuse me?
Rose: I had about 56 boyfriends. Of course, that was before I knew Charlie. I probably would have had more, but I wasn't allowed to start dating until I was a senior.
Blanche: Fifty-six? Fifty-six?
Dorothy: Oh, God, stand back. She's gonna blow!

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: What do you mean you had 56 boyfriends? You told me you were a virgin till you got married.
Rose: Hey, you can have a boyfriend without having to go all the way.
Blanche: You cannot! If that were true, Rose, that would mean you were a slut.
Dorothy: Oh, come on, Blanche, how can you say that? So the woman had 56 boyfriends in one year. She's not a slut.
Rose: Thank you, Dorothy.
Dorothy: She is the slut. She's the Grand Pooh-Bah of Slutdom. She's the easiest woman in this room.
Blanche: Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back.
Dorothy: The slut is dead. Long live the slut.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: I'm the biggest slut.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: [answering door] I'm sorry, but I already know Jesus.

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