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‘Old Boyfriends’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Old Boyfriends

713. Old Boyfriends

Aired January 4, 1992

Rose is visited by an old boyfriend from St. Olaf who she cannot remember dating. Meanwhile, Sophia answers a personal ad.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: What is going on here?
Sophia: I'm looking through the personals to find myself a man. Remember what that is, Dorothy? It's an animal, kind of like a woman, except that it's got a-
Dorothy: Ma!

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Quote from Sophia

Sophia: The guy from the ad will be here any second. How do I look?
Dorothy: Ma, you forgot to zip up your dress.
Sophia: I didn't forget. He's probably got arthritis. Why make it any harder?

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: No visible means of life support. I like that in a man.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Marvin, what the hell is going on here?
Sophia: Isn't it obvious? They put an ad in the magazine to lure an unsuspecting cutie like me into their web of sex games. They want me to be their love slave.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: You two have a lot of explaining to do.
Marvin: I'm sorry, Sarah. I told them we're married.
Sarah: Oh, dear.
Dorothy: Why did you lie to my mother?
Sarah: I didn't want to lie. We were going to tell the truth as soon as we were sure that Sophia was the one we wanted.
Dorothy: Then it is true! You wanted my mother for sex games. Oh, God, this is so unbelievable.
Sophia: It's not that unbelievable.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Rose, you remembered. A kiss unlocked your memory.
Rose: One doesn't forget a kiss like that.
Blanche: Oh, that's so romantic.
Rose: No, it isn't. That man didn't know how to kiss 40 years ago, and he doesn't know how to kiss today.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Sophia, don't you think you might be rushing things?
Sophia: Please! The man is 86. Right now, it's a race between me and the blood clot in his leg to see who gets him first.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Sophia, listen, how about this one? "Elderly white male with broken hip seeks elderly white female. I am into massages, bran muffins and the book Final Exit. Please respond quickly, or I'll do it. I swear I will."
Sophia: Too much pressure. Moving on.
Blanche: Okay, here's another good one. "Recent widower seeks widow. I am handsome, intelligent, and possess great style. I am also incontinent but have learned to laugh about it."
Sophia: Well, that's a keeper.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: I know what a man is, but I tell you, I would never look for one through the personals. And you know why? Because I have standards. I have intelligence. I have class. And you know what else I have?
Sophia: It's not self-awareness. That's for damn sure.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Any wonder we get nursing-home brochures by the truckload?

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: All right, now, Sophia, remember, honey, play hard to get. It drives a man crazy.
Dorothy: Yeah, read that somewhere, did you?

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: [answering door] I'm sorry, but I already know Jesus.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: I still don't understand why you cannot remember this man. He says you seriously dated. I mean, how many boyfriends could a naive farmer's daughter possibly have had? Two? Three?
Rose: Well, it depends. What's your definition of a boyfriend?
Blanche: Any man you bring to a fevered pitch of uncontrollable ecstasy.
Rose: Oh. Fifty-six.
Blanche: Excuse me?
Rose: I had about 56 boyfriends. Of course, that was before I knew Charlie. I probably would have had more, but I wasn't allowed to start dating until I was a senior.
Blanche: Fifty-six? Fifty-six?
Dorothy: Oh, God, stand back. She's gonna blow!

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: What do you mean you had 56 boyfriends? You told me you were a virgin till you got married.
Rose: Hey, you can have a boyfriend without having to go all the way.
Blanche: You cannot! If that were true, Rose, that would mean you were a slut.
Dorothy: Oh, come on, Blanche, how can you say that? So the woman had 56 boyfriends in one year. She's not a slut.
Rose: Thank you, Dorothy.
Dorothy: She is the slut. She's the Grand Pooh-Bah of Slutdom. She's the easiest woman in this room.
Blanche: Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back.
Dorothy: The slut is dead. Long live the slut.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: I'm the biggest slut.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: So what's the problem?
Sophia: His sister. It's weird. We can't do anything without her. I haven't been alone with him yet. You know how hard it is to make out with a guy when his sister's sitting next to you?
Rose & Blanche: Boy, do I ever.
Blanche: Now, you stop that. You just stop that.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: I thought the two of you would like some nice, cool lemonade.
Sophia: Marvin is married to Sarah.
Dorothy: [to Marvin] You don't get any lemonade.

Quote from Sophia

Marvin: I didn't mean to just blurt it out, but I can explain, and I know you and your daughter must have a lot of questions.
Sophia: You bet we do. And by the way, Dorothy's not my daughter. She's my lesbian lover.
Dorothy: Ma.
Sophia: See, Marvin? How do you like it? Not a pretty picture, is it?

Quote from Sophia

Sarah: Hi, I've come to pick up my brother.
Sophia: Well, if it isn't Mrs. Caligula. Come on in and pull up a whip.

Quote from Dorothy

Sarah: Again, we're sorry for springing this on you. I know it came as quite a shock.
Dorothy: Our hearts go out to both of you, and as soon as Ma and I have talked, we'll get back to you.
Sarah: So you'll seriously consider this?
Dorothy: Well, of course, we will. How could we not? [closes door] What a pair of loons! Ma, this does it. No more of this manhunt nonsense. I'm getting you a plant.

Quote from Dorothy

Sarah: Now that we've finalized our little arrangement, I'd like to propose a toast. To Sophia, whose generosity and kindness of spirit have given us a gift beyond measure.
Dorothy: I, too, have a toast. I predict nothing but disaster and tragedy for everyone connected with this travesty of an idea.
Marvin: She's not gonna be living with us, is she?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, come on. I guess we've all learned something from this.
Sophia: Yeah, you can never really replace someone you've lost, and the next time I answer an ad, it'll be from one of Blanche's magazines. Those people know what they want.


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