Sophia: You missed a sensational concert tonight.
Dorothy: I'm glad I didn't go tonight. Who needs the crowds, the hassle?
Sophia: You're sounding old, pussycat. It's not a hearing aid that makes you old. It's what you're becoming by not getting one. Think of what you're missing, all the things I hear. The birds singing, the wind in the trees, the sound of the ticker tape telling you Xerox has gone up to... My health. Did I mention I've got my health?

Rose: No, you listen. Charlie was the most important man in my life, but as much as I cared about him, I can't help but care about you, too. You're like a sister to me, and I can't throw that away, so I forgive you for being a moral-less, emotionally needy, man-leech with an air bag in her headboard. And I'm sorry I said you were insensitive.

Dorothy: Rose, these are double exposures.
Rose: Double exposures?
Dorothy: Yes, obviously Blanche took pictures with the camera over film that was already in it.
Blanche: Well, how strange! And what a great alibi for the future.
Rose: But wait a minute. What were you doing taking pictures of yourself in bed?
Dorothy: You've seen her Christmas cards.

Dorothy: [enunciating loudly] Hi, Ma. How are you? Are you happy today?
Sophia: Oh, my God, we're being bugged. Who is it? Immigration?
Dorothy: Ma, what are you talking about?
Sophia: [talking to the barbecue] Uh, happy? I'm- I'm happy, all right, happy to be a citizen of the United States of America.
Dorothy: Ma, you are a citizen.
Sophia: [talking to a cactus] That's right, Dorothy. As far as we know, I am a citizen, a citizen of the US of A, home of presidents like, um, Ford, Lincoln... Help me out here, Dorothy.
Dorothy: Bush, Ma.
Sophia: [to a plant] Oh, and Reagan.

Blanche: Well, that does it, Rose. Now you've just gone too far. I don't know how he got into my room, but I can promise you, I do not go to bed with men who wear wedding bands.
Rose: What if he took it off?
Blanche: Then I'd see the tan line.
Rose: What if he was from Minnesota and had no tan?
Blanche: Ew!
Rose: "Ew"? So he's not good enough for you? Listen, my Charlie was 6' 2" and broad shouldered and apparently had about as much taste in women as... As... [stammering] Other men with flawed choicing skills.

[As Dorothy stands with her arms stretched out underneath a Christmas banner, Blanche and Sophia enter the living room]
Sophia: Oh, I'm having a vision. A religious vision. Oh, God, it's so beautiful!
Blanche: Sophia, please, our Savior wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit.

Blanche: You just watch your mouth, Rose. I may be a social person, but I am certainly discerning.
Rose: Discerning? Blanche, you've been under more drunken sailors than... Than...
Dorothy: Oh, now, Rose, don't drag me into this. A nautical toilet.

Rose: What do you think, Blanche? Am I through with my cycle?
Blanche: Well, I'd say menopause is a pretty good guess. You're about as puffy as the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Sophia: What are you doing, Rose?
Rose: Oh, I was just going through the change.
Sophia: Well, that explains the puffiness.

Rose: Well, I can't part with those things. They're all so special to me.
Blanche: What's so special about this?
Rose: Oh, look, my bullhorn! Oh, this is the only thing I have left from my one day as a Mountain Rangerette. "Hey, you, get out of the pass. This is avalanche country."