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‘Henny Penny - Straight, No Chaser’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Henny Penny - Straight, No Chaser

626. Henny Penny - Straight, No Chaser

Aired May 4, 1991

After a first-grade class is quarantined during a measles outbreak, the girls take the kids' places in a production of Henny Penny.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: This is horrible. As Big Daddy used to say, "I'm feeling lower than the rent on a burnin' building."
Rose: That's funny. I used to live in a burning building. And it was cheap. It was Charlie's and my first house. Well, scoff if you must, but it was warm and toasty. I'll never forget Charlie throwing me over his shoulder and dashing across the threshold. Oh, it was a beautiful place. Three bedrooms, two baths. Then two bedrooms and one bath. Eventually, we outgrew the place.

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Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Rose, honey, there's no reason to be upset about Henny Penny. Fairy tales just show kids how complicated life can be, and it does it on their terms.
Blanche: I remember when I first read Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, it had a profound influence on me. Seven lonely men livin' in the woods, needin' a woman. All of 'em with Napoleon complexes, somethin' to prove.
Dorothy: And jobs, Blanche. They all had jobs.
Blanche: In a diamond mine.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: We're doing Henny Penny. You know, "Help, help! The sky is falling."
Blanche: Oh, that was never one of my favorites. There's no prince in it. I like a fairy tale with a nice prince in it. A handsome prince with a big ol' codpiece and deep dark eyes and powerful thighs and muscles rippling beneath his tunic.
Dorothy: Blanche, you could get aroused by "Humpty Dumpty."
Blanche: Are you kiddin'? "All the king's horses and all the king's men." Handsome men with deep dark eyes and powerful thighs and muscles and big ol' codpieces.
Dorothy: Blanche, how do you make it through an omelet?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Mail call. Ah, Ma. Here's a letter for you from Palermo.
Sophia: Oh, it's the latest chess move from my old rival Serafina Gambrotsi.
Dorothy: Ma, how long has this chess game by mail been going on? What, it must be ten years now, huh?
Sophia: And it's going to keep on going until I beat Serafina at something.
Dorothy: What are you talking about?
Sophia: Picture it. Sicily, 1920. Serafina and I were both crazy about Marco the Goat Boy. In appearance, an Adonis. In behavior, horny as a toad. Little did I know he had a thing for hairy fat girls. If I were fatter and hairier, Dorothy, Marco the Goat Boy could've been your father.
Dorothy: I think we all grieve. Ma, that was 70 years ago. I was sure you'd forgotten.
Sophia: I forget nothing. So, any mail?

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Oh my gosh. It's only one week till spring break? And I have so much to do. I have to get new T-shirts for the wet T-shirt contest.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: 78, yes! 64, yes! 81, yes!
Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia: Reading the obituaries and checking out the people who died younger than I am now. 83, close one.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: You know, I'm actually looking forward to spring break this year.
Sophia: College kids. America's best and brightest are coming to town. It'll be nice to get mooned again.

Quote from Blanche

Sophia: 68, woah.
Blanche: What is it?
Sophia: You.
Blanche: What about me?
Sophia: You're dead.
Blanche: Say what?
Sophia: I told you. You're dead. You must be. It says so in the paper.
Blanche: "Blanche Devereaux. Age 68." [gasps] 68? Oh, that's terrible.
Dorothy: They're almost as far off on your age as you are.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: I'm going down to that newspaper this minute. Not only am I gonna get Chugger fired, if I hurry I can get 'em to print a retraction in this afternoon's edition. 68?
Dorothy: And dead.
Blanche: What are people gonna think?
Sophia: They'll think it's time to elect a new town slut.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Oh, no, we can't cancel. First grade is when kids take an interest in reading. Why can't we recast it with adults?
Frank: But where are we going to find an adult with the childlike naivete to play Henny Penny?
Rose: Hi. Oh, you're not gonna believe it. I just saw a cloud that looked exactly like a cotton ball.
Frank: My God, she is Henny Penny.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Rose, my entire cast has been quarantined. We're in a real bind. How would you like to play Henny Penny?
Rose: Well, I have enjoyed playing a hen in the past.
Dorothy: Oh, fill us in. Parade, honeymoon or religious ceremony?
Rose: Theater. The St. Olaf Masquers' production of Hamlet.
Dorothy: I don't right off recall a hen in Hamlet.
Rose: Oh, we set the play in a barnyard. Luckily the symphony was out of town at the time.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Well, Frank Nann. I haven't seen you since that weekend in Pensacola.
Frank: Goosey Loosey.
Blanche: That's right. We did have fun, Squeezy Wheezy.
Frank: No, no, I mean you'd be perfect for the part of Goosey Loosey.

Quote from Sophia

Frank: Now, listen, Dorothy, since both of your housemates are going to be in the play, why don't you play Turkey Lurkey?
Dorothy: Oh come on. No, no, no. No, that's out of the question.
Sophia: Why? You'd be perfect. "Turkey Lurkey" was your nickname in high school.
Dorothy: Ma, it was not.
Sophia: Really? That's what they called you at the PTA.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Yes! I've got that tub of guts where I want her. My queen's knight attacks her king. Banzai!
Dorothy: Ma, how did two Sicilian peasant girls ever become interested in chess?
Sophia: Chess is like war, only cheaper. It's the perfect game for Sicily, a country very warlike and dead-ass broke.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Rose, come on now. You haven't said a word since we left rehearsal.
Rose: Nobody told me Henny Penny ended that way. Nobody told me it was a tragedy.
Blanche: Rose, you've been rehearsing for three days. Why are you makin' a scene now?
Rose: Well, that was the first time we rehearsed the ending. I didn't know that Turkey and Henny and Goosey were all eaten by Foxy Loxy. Oh, the humanity.
Dorothy: Rose, you mean you didn't even look at the end of the play until today?
Rose: If there's one thing I remember about my wedding night, it's Charlie telling me it's impolite to peek.

Quote from Rose

Rose: All I'm trying to say is we had fairy tales in St. Olaf that weren't violent, and they had positive role models. Like "Gus and the Recliner". "Gunilla Gets a Catalog". And "Ilsa, the Girl Who Could Make Bad Food Good".

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Look, Rose, if you don't do the part, there won't be any play. Now, this is a project that I care about deeply, but I don't want you doing it for my sake, Rose. Do it for the kids. It's a chance to get them reading.
Rose: All right, all right, I'll do it. And not just for the kids. I just feel it's time I gave something back to the chicken community. After all, a chicken once saved my life. [exits]
Blanche: They are the stupidest birds.

Quote from Dorothy

Delivery Guy: Flowers for Blanche Deverucks.
Dorothy: No, that's "Devereaux." It's only pronounced "Deverucks" in limericks.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: "On her way, Henny came upon Goosey Loosey, one of the most popular birds in the barnyard."
Blanche: The most popular!
Sophia: And the eighth graders are seeing a play today about how to be that popular safely.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: "On their way, Henny Penny and Goosey Loosey came upon Turkey Lurkey." Yes, poor lonely Turkey Lurkey. Poor dateless, hopeless, self-basting-
Dorothy: Ma!

Quote from Rose

Sophia: "And from that day to this, Turkey Lurkey, Goosey Loosey and Henny Penny were never seen"-
Rose: Stop! Children, kids, it's up to you. I mean, if you want to save us and not have us eaten by Foxy Loxy, applaud. I mean it! I mean, clap now if you want to see the goose and the chicken and the turkey live. Come on, put your little hands together. Save us, and you won't have bad dreams. Clap, you miserable-
Dorothy: Come on, Henny, let's get it over with.
Rose: But what about their bad dreams?
Blanche: Let's go. Come on.
Rose: Fine. But I just want you all to know there are monsters living under all your beds.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Where's Blanche? She should see this review.
Rose: Oh, yes, and I hope it makes her feel better. I've been worried about her. I mean, ever since she got those flowers from Mel Bushman, she hasn't been herself.
Blanche: [still wearing the Loosey Goosey outfit] Well, I'm off to the Rusty Anchor. Spring break comes but once a year.


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