Sophia: No, kid. It's your turn. I don't need to see a doctor. You were right, Dorothy. I was faking.
Stan: Sophia, I'm shocked. Dorothy, I had no idea.
Dorothy: Stanley, I used to think you were the scum of the earth. I have just downgraded my opinion!

Rose: Oh, God, she's really a character! She's also a cheap slut.

Sophia: Let me tell you something I've never told a soul. When I was unconscious, hovering between life and death, I began a journey toward a great white light. Along the way were all the people who went before me. I saw my parents. I saw your father. I saw the Ritz Brothers. Believe me, they're much funnier dead. As I was about to enter the light, a voice boomed, "Before you can enter the gates of heaven, "you must patch things up with your ex-son-in-law Stan."
Stan: You see, babe? It's all part of the big guy's master plan. I am but a humble servant.
Dorothy: Mr. Belvedere is a humble servant, Stanley. You're a horse's ass.

Blanche: Dorothy Zbornak, I resent that remark. Have you been talking to Ed Tyler? That man has such a big mouth! Which reminds me, I wanna go give him a call.

Stan: Hi, it's me, Stan.
Dorothy: Oh, who cares!
Stan: Hi, Sophia. Hey, I was out taking a drive, listening to the Dodgers on the radio and I got a sudden urge to see a ballgame.
Dorothy: Fine, Stanley. If you leave now, you can make Dodger Stadium in five days. Drive carefully.

Sophia: Ah, I'll go with you, Stan.
Dorothy: Ma, you will?!
Sophia: I'll be waiting in the car, Stanley.
Stan: Dorothy?
Dorothy: I can't think of anything in the world I would rather do less.
Stan: Really? Would you like to go to bed with me?
Dorothy: Take me out to the ballgame, Stanley.

Stan: Are you comfy, babe?
Dorothy: Yeah. This must be my lucky day. I usually end up sitting next to a fat, sweaty man who insists on taking his shirt off. [to the large, man who just removed his shirt] What kept you?

Dorothy: Calm down! Calm down. What's wrong?
Sophia: These two are driving me crazy. They drink milk off the floor, they scratch the furniture, and this one just coughed up a fur ball!
Rose: That was not a fur ball, it was-
Dorothy: Rose, who cares what it was! Now, quit driving Ma crazy.

Stan: The hospital told me Sophia was discharged. Is she here?
Dorothy: No, I haven't taken her out of the trunk of the car yet.

Stan: I'm talking about a lawsuit. If we can show that you're severely injured, we can sue the ball club and the ballpark for a lot of money.
Sophia: I'm not severely injured.
Stan: You can fake it. I have a good doctor friend who will back you up.
Sophia: I'm appalled. Shocked. Disgusted. How much money are we talking about?
Stan: A couple of hundred thousand at least.
Sophia: A couple of hundred thousand?! [Sophia falls to the ground]