‘Bang the Drum, Stanley’
Season 4, Episode 5 - Aired November 12, 1988
After Sophia is hit on the head by a baseball at a game, Stan encourages her to exaggerate her injury to make an insurance claim. Meanwhile, Blanche and Rose rehearse for a local production of Cats.
Quote from Sophia
Dorothy: [panting] Stanley, these these seats are pretty far from the field.
Stan: Yeah. Dorothy, baseball was meant to be seen from the bleachers, in small, intimate parks with real grass. If there's anything I hate, it's artificial turf.
Sophia: That never stopped you from wearing it on your head.
Quote from Sophia
Sophia: What a hit!
Stan: I got it. I got it. I got it!
[The ball hits Sophia on the head]
Dorothy: Ma, are you all right?
Sophia: Fine. Fine. Only next time, Salvadore, either we start lower on the bed or remove the headboard.
Quote from Sophia
Dr. Cauley: Mrs. Petrillo, we'd really like you to stay with us for the next 48 hours.
Sophia: Please! For half the price I could go to Club Med, get a nicer room, better food, and not be forced to pee in a Dixie Cup.
Quote from Blanche
Stan: Oh, there you are, Sophia. Are you OK?
Sophia: Hey, I just spent two days in the hospital naked under a sheet with strange men inspecting my body with cold metal instruments.
Blanche: Which reminds me, has Ed Tyler returned my call?
Quote from Dorothy
Rose: Come on, Blanche, we need to rehearse some more. Will you help us, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh, all right.
Blanche: Maybe we can find an old rug to sharpen our claws on.
Dorothy: How about the one on Stanley's head?
Quote from Sophia
Stan: Sophia, you know, it's been a long time since we've had a talk.
Sophia: Very good reason for that, I hate talking to you.
Stan: What a great sense of humor! What would you say if I told you I've come up with a great way to make some fast money for us, and all you have to do is lie on your back?
Sophia: I'd say you're about 50 years too late on that one!
Quote from Rose
Stan: Everybody, this is Doctor Jerry.
Rose: Dr. Jerry. It must be great having just one name. You don't have to worry about people misspelling your last name.
Dr. Jerry: Is your last name difficult to spell?
Rose: Yes, but I'm getting better at it.
Dr. Jerry: This must be our patient.
Quote from Dorothy
Dorothy: Ma, I am taking you to the hospital.
Sophia: No.
Dorothy: Why not? Are you trying to tell me that possibly there is nothing wrong with you?
Sophia: No. I feel better just lying here. The ride in the car could only make me feel worse.
Stan: She's right, Dorothy. Yeah, sometimes just lying motionless is the best thing a person can do.
Dorothy: That didn't sound right when you said it on our honeymoon, and it doesn't now.
Quote from Dorothy
Dorothy: I know Ma is faking. She is not really paralyzed.
Rose: It's only natural for you to feel that way. At the counseling center we learn that the first reaction to catastrophe is denial.
Dorothy: Rose, I am not in denial.
Rose: Yes, you are. You're just denying you're in denial.
Dorothy: Rose, I am not denying that I am in denial.
Rose: If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial.
Dorothy: Look, fluffhead! Why should I deny being in denial when I never said I was in denial? You are the one who said I was in denial, and don't you deny it!
Quote from Dorothy
Blanche: Listen, Dorothy, I think your mother's faking, too. But what if she isn't? Just try putting yourself in her position. Do you know how much it hurts to have someone you love not trust you?
Rose: I sure do.
Blanche: Rose, I was about to tell a story.
Rose: I wanna tell one.
Blanche: Dorothy?
Dorothy: Boy, this is a no-win situation. But go ahead, Blanche.
Rose: Fine. You may never get to hear my story.
Dorothy: Then I'm wrong. It isn't a no-win situation.