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Bang the Drum, Stanley

‘Bang the Drum, Stanley’

Season 4, Episode 5 -  Aired November 12, 1988

After Sophia is hit on the head by a baseball at a game, Stan encourages her to exaggerate her injury to make an insurance claim. Meanwhile, Blanche and Rose rehearse for a local production of Cats.

Quote from Dorothy

Stan: Please, Dorothy, you'll have the time of your life.
Dorothy: The time of my life? Stan, the last time you said that it took 12 seconds, and I ended up three months' pregnant at my own wedding.

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Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: How did the auditions go?
Rose: Great! Oh, you should've tried out, Dorothy. Everybody was really stinky, you might have gotten a part this year.
Blanche: Rose, don't be silly. Dorothy couldn't get a part. We're doing the award-winning musical Cats. You have to be agile, graceful and sensual.
Dorothy: You're right, Blanche. How could I possibly compete with you? I mean, you've given some of your finest performances in back alleys.

Quote from Dorothy

Stan: Wait, Dorothy. I was thinking about us. Good old days, back in Brooklyn. Ebbets Field. Remember those warm summer nights, sitting in the bleachers, eating hot dogs, rooting for the Dodgers and kissing passionately between innings?
Dorothy: Stanley, you never took me to Ebbets Field.
Stan: No?
Dorothy: No!

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Dorothy, our director said to prepare for our roles we must become cats. That's why I've been playing with your ball of yarn and why Blanche has been making screeching sounds in her room at night.
Dorothy: You've been practicing for this part for a lifetime, haven't you, Blanche?

Quote from Sophia

Dr. Cauley: How's the patient?
Sophia: Will you turn off that damn light, I'm trying to sleep!
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: Where am I? Who am I? Why am I so wrinkled?
Dr. Cauley: Don't be alarmed. Temporary amnesia is not uncommon.
Stan: Sophia? It's Stan. D'you remember me?
Sophia: Stan - tall, yutz, head looks like a monkey's behind?
Stan: She's gonna be all right.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: I was still in high school at the time and I was having an affair with a very handsome exchange student named Jean-Pierre Fontainebleau. I think he was French or something. He was always sneering and he wore a beret.
Rose: We were never allowed to wear berets in high school. It was against the St. Olaf dress code. They did let me wear a paper cap a lot. It was long and pointy. More a cone shape than a beret.
Blanche: Anyway, Jean-Pierre must have known about my reputation for playing the field, because from the beginning he was convinced I couldn't be faithful. He would spy on me in my classes. He would follow me home from school. Some nights he would even shimmy up the oak tree outside my bedroom door, hoping to catch me in the act.
Rose: What act?
Dorothy: Second act of My Fair Lady, Rose.
Blanche: Finally, I had to tell Jean-Pierre I could not take it anymore, and we broke up. I was completely crushed.
Dorothy: I guess you really liked him.
Blanche: No, I really liked the American boy he was rooming with, Bobby-Joe Nugent. We'd been having an affair for months in the one place Jean-Pierre never thought to look!
Rose: The Eiffel Tower.
Blanche: Actually, it was in the cutaway Oldsmobile that they kept in the Drivers Ed department at school. Oh, lordy, the things I did in that car! It's a good thing old St. Christopher had his back to me.
Dorothy: There's no doubt about it, she's faking.
Blanche: Uh-uh, Dorothy. I didn't learn how to do that till I was married.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Well, I knew she'd be OK. Something similar happened to me back in St. Olaf. I was injured during a spirited game of gowhackanoggin.
Dorothy: ... Should I? Oh, what the hell! Rose, what is gowhackanoggin?
Rose: It's a lot like baseball. Except, instead of hitting a ball, you whack yourself on the head. After ten whacks, if you're still standing, you take first base. It's usually a very low-scoring game.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Hi, Ma. What you doing?
Sophia: Just looking through the old photo album. Boy, you were a cute kid.
Dorothy: Yeah, I was sorta cute. Look, there I am at seven.
Sophia: An angel.
Dorothy: Here I am at 11.
Sophia: Adorable.
Dorothy: Oh, look, here I am at 15.
Sophia: The beginning of the end.

Quote from Sophia

Stan: Look, I'll level with you. I got three tickets to today's game and I can't find anyone to go. Guess I don't have many friends.
Sophia: Oh, who are you kidding? You don't have any friends.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: [panting] Stanley, these these seats are pretty far from the field.
Stan: Yeah. Dorothy, baseball was meant to be seen from the bleachers, in small, intimate parks with real grass. If there's anything I hate, it's artificial turf.
Sophia: That never stopped you from wearing it on your head.

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