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‘Bang the Drum, Stanley’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Bang the Drum, Stanley

405. Bang the Drum, Stanley

Aired November 12, 1988

After Sophia is hit on the head by a baseball at a game, Stan encourages her to exaggerate her injury to make an insurance claim. Meanwhile, Blanche and Rose rehearse for a local production of Cats.

Quote from Dorothy

Stan: Please, Dorothy, you'll have the time of your life.
Dorothy: The time of my life? Stan, the last time you said that it took 12 seconds, and I ended up three months' pregnant at my own wedding.

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Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: How did the auditions go?
Rose: Great! Oh, you should've tried out, Dorothy. Everybody was really stinky, you might have gotten a part this year.
Blanche: Rose, don't be silly. Dorothy couldn't get a part. We're doing the award-winning musical Cats. You have to be agile, graceful and sensual.
Dorothy: You're right, Blanche. How could I possibly compete with you? I mean, you've given some of your finest performances in back alleys.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Dorothy, our director said to prepare for our roles we must become cats. That's why I've been playing with your ball of yarn and why Blanche has been making screeching sounds in her room at night.
Dorothy: You've been practicing for this part for a lifetime, haven't you, Blanche?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Hi, Ma. What you doing?
Sophia: Just looking through the old photo album. Boy, you were a cute kid.
Dorothy: Yeah, I was sorta cute. Look, there I am at seven.
Sophia: An angel.
Dorothy: Here I am at 11.
Sophia: Adorable.
Dorothy: Oh, look, here I am at 15.
Sophia: The beginning of the end.

Quote from Dorothy

Stan: Wait, Dorothy. I was thinking about us. Good old days, back in Brooklyn. Ebbets Field. Remember those warm summer nights, sitting in the bleachers, eating hot dogs, rooting for the Dodgers and kissing passionately between innings?
Dorothy: Stanley, you never took me to Ebbets Field.
Stan: No?
Dorothy: No!

Quote from Sophia

Stan: Look, I'll level with you. I got three tickets to today's game and I can't find anyone to go. Guess I don't have many friends.
Sophia: Oh, who are you kidding? You don't have any friends.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: [panting] Stanley, these these seats are pretty far from the field.
Stan: Yeah. Dorothy, baseball was meant to be seen from the bleachers, in small, intimate parks with real grass. If there's anything I hate, it's artificial turf.
Sophia: That never stopped you from wearing it on your head.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: What a hit!
Stan: I got it. I got it. I got it!
[The ball hits Sophia on the head]
Dorothy: Ma, are you all right?
Sophia: Fine. Fine. Only next time, Salvadore, either we start lower on the bed or remove the headboard.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Well, I knew she'd be OK. Something similar happened to me back in St. Olaf. I was injured during a spirited game of gowhackanoggin.
Dorothy: ... Should I? Oh, what the hell! Rose, what is gowhackanoggin?
Rose: It's a lot like baseball. Except, instead of hitting a ball, you whack yourself on the head. After ten whacks, if you're still standing, you take first base. It's usually a very low-scoring game.

Quote from Sophia

Dr. Cauley: How's the patient?
Sophia: Will you turn off that damn light, I'm trying to sleep!
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: Where am I? Who am I? Why am I so wrinkled?
Dr. Cauley: Don't be alarmed. Temporary amnesia is not uncommon.
Stan: Sophia? It's Stan. D'you remember me?
Sophia: Stan - tall, yutz, head looks like a monkey's behind?
Stan: She's gonna be all right.

Quote from Sophia

Dr. Cauley: Mrs. Petrillo, we'd really like you to stay with us for the next 48 hours.
Sophia: Please! For half the price I could go to Club Med, get a nicer room, better food, and not be forced to pee in a Dixie Cup.

Quote from Blanche

Stan: Oh, there you are, Sophia. Are you OK?
Sophia: Hey, I just spent two days in the hospital naked under a sheet with strange men inspecting my body with cold metal instruments.
Blanche: Which reminds me, has Ed Tyler returned my call?

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Come on, Blanche, we need to rehearse some more. Will you help us, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh, all right.
Blanche: Maybe we can find an old rug to sharpen our claws on.
Dorothy: How about the one on Stanley's head?

Quote from Sophia

Stan: Sophia, you know, it's been a long time since we've had a talk.
Sophia: Very good reason for that, I hate talking to you.
Stan: What a great sense of humor! What would you say if I told you I've come up with a great way to make some fast money for us, and all you have to do is lie on your back?
Sophia: I'd say you're about 50 years too late on that one!

Quote from Rose

Stan: Everybody, this is Doctor Jerry.
Rose: Dr. Jerry. It must be great having just one name. You don't have to worry about people misspelling your last name.
Dr. Jerry: Is your last name difficult to spell?
Rose: Yes, but I'm getting better at it.
Dr. Jerry: This must be our patient.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Ma, I am taking you to the hospital.
Sophia: No.
Dorothy: Why not? Are you trying to tell me that possibly there is nothing wrong with you?
Sophia: No. I feel better just lying here. The ride in the car could only make me feel worse.
Stan: She's right, Dorothy. Yeah, sometimes just lying motionless is the best thing a person can do.
Dorothy: That didn't sound right when you said it on our honeymoon, and it doesn't now.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: I know Ma is faking. She is not really paralyzed.
Rose: It's only natural for you to feel that way. At the counseling center we learn that the first reaction to catastrophe is denial.
Dorothy: Rose, I am not in denial.
Rose: Yes, you are. You're just denying you're in denial.
Dorothy: Rose, I am not denying that I am in denial.
Rose: If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial.
Dorothy: Look, fluffhead! Why should I deny being in denial when I never said I was in denial? You are the one who said I was in denial, and don't you deny it!

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Listen, Dorothy, I think your mother's faking, too. But what if she isn't? Just try putting yourself in her position. Do you know how much it hurts to have someone you love not trust you?
Rose: I sure do.
Blanche: Rose, I was about to tell a story.
Rose: I wanna tell one.
Blanche: Dorothy?
Dorothy: Boy, this is a no-win situation. But go ahead, Blanche.
Rose: Fine. You may never get to hear my story.
Dorothy: Then I'm wrong. It isn't a no-win situation.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: I was still in high school at the time and I was having an affair with a very handsome exchange student named Jean-Pierre Fontainebleau. I think he was French or something. He was always sneering and he wore a beret.
Rose: We were never allowed to wear berets in high school. It was against the St. Olaf dress code. They did let me wear a paper cap a lot. It was long and pointy. More a cone shape than a beret.
Blanche: Anyway, Jean-Pierre must have known about my reputation for playing the field, because from the beginning he was convinced I couldn't be faithful. He would spy on me in my classes. He would follow me home from school. Some nights he would even shimmy up the oak tree outside my bedroom door, hoping to catch me in the act.
Rose: What act?
Dorothy: Second act of My Fair Lady, Rose.
Blanche: Finally, I had to tell Jean-Pierre I could not take it anymore, and we broke up. I was completely crushed.
Dorothy: I guess you really liked him.
Blanche: No, I really liked the American boy he was rooming with, Bobby-Joe Nugent. We'd been having an affair for months in the one place Jean-Pierre never thought to look!
Rose: The Eiffel Tower.
Blanche: Actually, it was in the cutaway Oldsmobile that they kept in the Drivers Ed department at school. Oh, lordy, the things I did in that car! It's a good thing old St. Christopher had his back to me.
Dorothy: There's no doubt about it, she's faking.
Blanche: Uh-uh, Dorothy. I didn't learn how to do that till I was married.

Quote from Sophia

Stan: This is a real bummer. We've gotten this far and it's starting to all fall apart. It's over.
Sophia: Stanley. Stanley, don't worry. I'm 82 years old. My bones are brittle. My muscles are atrophied. My circulation is worse than US News & World Report. There's no physical they can give that Sophia Petrillo can't fail.

Quote from Dorothy

Sophia: No, kid. It's your turn. I don't need to see a doctor. You were right, Dorothy. I was faking.
Stan: Sophia, I'm shocked. Dorothy, I had no idea.
Dorothy: Stanley, I used to think you were the scum of the earth. I have just downgraded my opinion!

Quote from Dorothy

Sophia: Let me tell you something I've never told a soul. When I was unconscious, hovering between life and death, I began a journey toward a great white light. Along the way were all the people who went before me. I saw my parents. I saw your father. I saw the Ritz Brothers. Believe me, they're much funnier dead. As I was about to enter the light, a voice boomed, "Before you can enter the gates of heaven, "you must patch things up with your ex-son-in-law Stan."
Stan: You see, babe? It's all part of the big guy's master plan. I am but a humble servant.
Dorothy: Mr. Belvedere is a humble servant, Stanley. You're a horse's ass.


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