Erica: I'm gonna go sit in a closet where his sad, dead love can't get me.

Beverly: Damn it, Murray. You can't just let their marriage end like this.
Murray: Oh, I can. But more importantly, so can you.
Beverly: Too late. I will repair their broken marriage and prove to Erica that true love is forever.
Murray: Is this what it feels like when I don't listen? Because I'm okay with that.

Dave Kim: Why is everyone mischievous? The mischievous manservant. The mischievous baccarat dealer. The mischievous baby?
Barry: It heightens the tension, Dave Kim.
Adam: Despite this not fitting in with my usual light-hearted cinematic tastes, I have always wanted to dabble in the spy genre, so we're in.
Dave Kim: We are?
Brea: I'm part polar bear, Adam.
Adam: But only if I handle the rewrite.
Barry: Deal.

Jane Bales: Beverly, why did you ask to meet me in this off-season haunted house?
Beverly: This is my husband's place of business.
Jane Bales: Remind me what he does for work again... besides having to tell you that he loves you.
Beverly: Save that gold. Oh, Mike, you have a customer.
Formica Mike: Hello, miss, may I help you find something?
Jane Bales: Is there a door closer than that one to leave this godforsaken place?

Beverly: Mike, this is Jane. Jane, Mike.
Formica Mike: How do you...
Jane Bales: Don't touch me with that hand. You look like a man who scratches everywhere.
Formica Mike: Bevy, your friend is very mean and very attractive.
Beverly: Hm, well, I don't see it, but let's pretend yes. Um, you know, Mike has recently become single.
Jane Bales: Are you trying to set us up? Have you seen me? I have the body of a swimmer. He has the body of someone they'd find face-down in a river.
Formica Mike: I'm mesmerized.

Beverly: Damn it, Mike. You scared me.
Formica Mike: Sorry. My night face has been described as both waxy and ashy. Two words that seem to fight each other, but what are you gonna do?
Beverly: Why are you here?
Formica Mike: I'm just working late and fighting gingivitis.
Beverly: Are you living here?
Formica Mike: Fine. I am temporarily enjoying the perks of owning mattresses because Fran and I are separating.
Beverly: Oh, my God. But you're both so young and vital.
Formica Mike: Vital? You kidding? Five years ago, my doctor started saying, "Eh, it is what it is."

Beverly: What happened? And I'm not just curious for gossip purposes.
Formica Mike: I don't know. I guess Fran just got sick of my general way.
Beverly: That does have a ring of truth to it.
Formica Mike: Yeah, but it's not all bad. I mean, I got top-of-the-line sleepers as far as the eye can see. The commute is easy. And, I mean, what more can a man ask for?
Beverly: Love? Companionship? Connection? [microwave dings]
Formica Mike: Ooh, ramen night again. Gotta tell ya, Bev, the Japanese have really mastered the fine art of microwave soup. Arigato, my Far Eastern friends.
Beverly: Damn it, Mike. Ditch the cardboard mush. You're coming home with me for a home-cooked meal.

Adam: But I can give you a few tricks that I use to calm our combustible little buddy. [time lapse] We'll begin with the three P's. First up... praise.
Joanne: So I just say nice things to him? I do that already.
Adam: No. This is the kind of praise that isn't applicable to any human. If it doesn't feel like you're worshiping a living god, you're doing it wrong.
Joanne: Stroke the bear. [clicks tongue] Check.
Brea: There's gotta be so many better ways to say that.
Adam: Next up, power.
Joanne: Of course. I have it all, and he wants it.
Adam: Not at all. Power as in athletic prowess on the sports field.
Joanne: So just let him win at sports? Well, it goes against my dominant nature, but okay.
Adam: For the third and final "P"...
Joanne: Pan-fried trout? No, it's pan-fried chicken. Oh, wait, is the "P" silent? Is it Pterodactyl?
Adam: You don't have to guess. You just have to publicly humiliate yourself. You lower yourself to make him feel higher.
Brea: For the record, I don't think any woman should ever debase herself to make a man feel better.
Joanne: Well, that's why you don't have a boyfriend. [chuckles] Thanks. [Joanne takes the chalkboard]
Adam: She took the chalkboard.

Beverly: It was Formica Mike and Jane Bales. He was sitting on her lap.
Murray: I don't follow. And I'm not asking for a clarification. I just refuse to follow.
Beverly: He needs to dump her and go back to his wife.
Murray: Have you ever thought for a second that it's a good thing that Mike and Fran split?
Beverly: Have you ever thought for a second that you don't know what the [bleep] you're talking about?

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As my mom was fixing up another unlikely couple, Joanne was trying to fix her relationship with Barry, starting with praise.
Joanne: Hubba-hubba. Look at my buff, beautiful boy.
Barry: Did someone replace my shirt with a snugger version?
Joanne: Pfft. I wouldn't know, but you are the smartest person God made.
Barry: Well, it doesn't matter if I can't punch and kick.