Murray: How about I'll take you.
Adam: Perfect! Uncle Marvin can meet us there. You can munch on popcorn and your words.
Murray: Popcorn? That's how they get you. We'll make our own.
Adam: There's no time to make popcorn.
Murray: Well, fine. I got a refrigerator full of cantaloupe. We'll bring that.
Adam: You can't bring cantaloupe into a movie theater!
Murray: Of course you can. Cantaloupe's the popcorn of fruit.
Adam: You can't sit in a theater and eat a plate of cantaloupe!
Murray: Who said anything about plates? We're gonna bring a knife and cut it up nicely in our laps.
Adam: So, now we're cutting a giant, juicy melon in the dark? It's a two-minute trailer!
Murray: Fine, princess! We'll take the melon baller. Gives you two different size balls.
Adam: Don't bring the melon. Uncle Marvin'll buy me the popcorn.
Murray: I'm gonna bring the melon.

Bill Lewis: So this whole thing is not normal Hanukkah?
Beverly: No! [scoffs] By the eighth night, I'm giving away socks and dental floss and whatever loose mints I can pick out of my purse.

Erica: Okay, it's up to you and me.
Beverly: Oh, you'll actually help me?
Erica: Normally, never, but you royally screwed this up for Bill and Lainey, so what do you need?
Beverly: Trees, lights, stockings, nutcrackers, everything. Let's move!
Erica: You do know it's Christmas Eve and everything's closed.
Beverly: True. [sighs] But the Kremps went skiing, and I'm supposed to be taking care of their dog, Daisy.
Erica: So, we're gonna break into the Kremps', steal their Christmas, and then break into the Lewises' and give them the Christmas we just stole?
Beverly: It's not great. This whole thing. It's just, it's not great.
Erica: To be clear, I think it's awesome. I just wanted to make sure I knew the plan.

Marvin: Quick, change the channel. I'm on TV again.
Adam: No way! What show?
Marvin: It's a hit legal drama.
Adam: "L.A. Law"?
Marvin: Would you just change the channel already, man?
Announcer: [on TV] What you are witnessing is real. The participants are not actors. Both parties have agreed to dismiss their court cases and have their disputes settled here, "The People's Court".
Marvin: Fun fact, Wapner does not like it when you bang his gavel.
Adam: Huh.
Marvin: He hates that.

Barry: Feliz Navidad, suckers!
Beverly: What the heck is on your delicious little body?
Barry: What does it look like? Now that I'm engaged to Lainey, I get to be a Christmas fella.
Erica: Oh, lucky!
Geoff: Such a magical season.
Beverly: Well, you know what's really magical? Hanukkah candles and spinning tops and endless bowls of sour cream.
Barry: Sour cream sucks.
Erica: Boo.
Geoff: That made me sadder.

Beverly: Oh, you want legendary? Erica, Geoff, get your butts to the Baderwood market. I'm gonna need 12 pounds of potatoes and all the sour cream you can fit in the car.
Erica: Nah.
Geoff: Yes, ma'am!
Barry: I don't know, Mom. Hanukkah lasts eight nights. There's no way you can sustain that kind of awesomeness for that long.
Beverly: Well, buckle up, Schmoo. The festival of lights is about to get nasty.

Beverly: Well, as long as you live under my Santa-less roof, you are a Hanukkah boy and always will be.
Barry: No! My whole life, I've lived in the only dark, undecorated house on the block. Now, thanks to Lainey, I get to soak in how the Christmas half lives.
Beverly: I don't care if you marry the Pope's sister. The only thing you're gonna be soaking in is this. [sweater clicks, "I Have A Little Dreidel" plays]
Barry: [sweater clicks, "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" plays]
Geoff: Oh, man! They're having a holiday sweater-off.
Erica: Calm down, Geoff. This may be the least important thing that's ever happened.

Bill Lewis: We may not have gingerbread, but we got beanies and weenies on the stove. Sit tight.
Barry: You're eating beans for Christmas?
Lainey: And weenies?
Barry: This sucks! Why do I have to marry into the one family that refuses to do Christmas?
Lainey: Yeah, I'm sorry my mom abandoned me, causing a lifetime of turmoil for my dad and I, and slightly inconveniencing your holiday plans.
Barry: In time, I feel like it'll get easier for me.

Bill Lewis: Ugh, bad news. Had a case of the sads last night and ate all the weenies. But we got beans galore! Merry Boggle Night, Bar.
Lainey: Merry Boggle Night.
Bill Lewis: All the spoons are dirty.

Adam: Uncle Marvin! Sweet ride.
Marvin: It's called a Mi-ya-ta! It's what the Hollywood Reporter calls "safe for its size".
Adam: Since when do you read the Hollywood Reporter?
Marvin: Ever since your uncle became a big TV star.
Adam: What?
Marvin: Let's just say that recently I looked directly down the barrel of a camera, and now the world wants more of Mordechai Fishman.
Adam: Who?
Marvin: That's my stage name.
Adam: Why?
Marvin: Most actors, they want to change their name to something less ethnic. But when they zig, I zag!