Barry: Okay, I've been listening to the Christmas radio station nonstop for five minutes, and I know exactly what we need to give Bill and Lainey.
Beverly: Really?
Barry: It's all right there in the "The Twelve Days of Christmas" song. Erica, Geoffrey, write this down.
Geoff: On it!
Erica: No.
Barry: First up, we need a Partridge Family CD.
Erica: I think you mean partridge in a pear.
Barry: Buh-bup! We also need 12 Willis Drummonds, 11 Roddy Pipers, 10 Laineys dancing.
Beverly: It's "ladies dancing." Why would Lainey's name be in a song from 200 years ago?
Erica: That's where this breaks down for you, Mom?
Barry: We also need nine Cloris Leachmans, eight maids a sweeping, seven Sprites for swigging, six 6-piece nuggets, five onion rings, four Larry Birds, three french fries, two leather gloves, and, of course, a Partridge Family CD.
Geoff: I'll get the fries, nuggets, Sprite, and Larry Bird. I guess!

Adam: "Melon farmer"?
Murray: What the hell's a melon farmer?
Pops: Someone who farms melons.
Murray: You think someone's sole profession is farming melons? Only melons?
Adam: Forget the melon farming! They changed it for TV.
Murray: Al, listen to me. Nobody farms just melons. Melons and grapes, maybe. But not just melons. That's ridiculous.
Pops: Well, what do you know from melons?
Murray: Oh, I know melons. I got a beautiful cantaloupe cut up in the fridge.
Pops: Cantaloupe? Of all the melons, that's the one you go with?
Murray: You got a better melon?
Pops: Honeydew.
Murray: Honeydew?! [chuckles] That's madness. Hey, Bevy, bring your father a forkful of that cantaloupe.
Beverly: Somebody call for a forkful of cantaloupe?
Adam: I'm getting sick and tired of the melon talk.
Murray: Eat the forkful, Al. You'll see what I mean.
Pops: Oh, that is good.
Adam: Enough with the melons. Just watch the movie.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Ah, the holidays. A time for families to come together and celebrate the season. For some, it was about finding the perfect tree. For others, it was about the presents you'd unwrap on Christmas morning. But for me, it was about the movies.
Adam: One for "A Christmas Story", please. [later] One for "Scrooged", please. [later] One for "Christmas Vacation", please. [later] One for "Ernest Saves Christmas", please.
Ticket Vendor: Sorry, it's sold out.
Adam: Damn it, no! I know Ernest saves Christmas, but how?
Ticket Vendor: It's one of life's big questions. Next!
Adam: Bro, help me out here. I'm jonesing for a warm, fuzzy holiday flick. Anything else fit the bill?
Ticket Vendor: I don't know, man. That one?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] That day, I discovered the holiday's greatest hero John McClane.
Adam: "Die Hard"? How is that a holiday movie?
Ticket Vendor: It takes place at Christmas?
Adam: Eh, I'll give it a shot.