Erica: Why the hell did you steal Christmas? How the hell did you steal Christmas?
Geoff: Well, it wasn't easy. I went in her room and saw those candy canes hung in a row. "These candy canes," I said, "are the first things to go."
Erica: Okay, so you're gonna do the whole Dr. Seuss rhyming thing?
Geoff: I'm just trying to stay on theme.
Erica: Alright, well, keep going until I figure out how to punch you without leaving a bruise.
Geoff: I slithered and slunk.
Erica: Slunk?
Geoff: But with a smile most pleasant, I went around the room and I took every present.
Erica: Sure, but how did you manage to get the tree out of there without anyone noticing?
Geoff: That was a toughie 'cause I ran into a little setback.
[flashback:]
Virginia Kremp: Geoff, why are you taking out the Christmas tree?
Geoff: [v.o.] But you know me. I'm smart and I'm slick. So I thought up a lie and I thought it up quick.
Geoff: [outloud] 'Cause I got an even better one.
Virginia Kremp: Oh, okay. Great!
Geoff: Seasons greetings.

Beverly: What the hell am I looking at? Are you bedazzling?!
Erica: It's for the baby. Check it!
Beverly: "I love you a latke." Oh! My perfect angel is so clever!
Erica: And on the back...
Beverly: "Oy to the world!" So many puns. I am dying from holiday happiness.
Erica: Yeah. I did learn from the best.
Beverly: You cherish and honor me. But your sewing is crap. Give it to me. I'll redo it and make five more.

Beverly: Can someone explain to me the meaning of this?
Erica: Aww! Aww. It's Mrs. Claus. Squeeze her cookie-baking hand. ["Deck the Halls" plays]
Geoff: What a delight. Is that a xylophone or a marimba?
Beverly: What it is is sacrilege. We are a Hanukkah family!
Erica: Calm down, Golda Meir. The baby just likes her because she's soft. It's no biggie.
Beverly: By placing Santa's gal pal in the crib of my grandschmoo, you are disrespecting the holiday of our people.
Erica: Please. You don't even know what Hanukkah's about.
Beverly: Of course I do!
Erica: Yeah, I'm not talking about the menorah or the inflatable dreidel on the lawn that Barry always ends up getting in a fight with. I mean the real story of Hanukkah.
Beverly: Let me just gather my thoughts for a minute because I have so many specific, clear ones.