Barry: Or there's option 3: pick one of the names I've carefully crafted for you.
Adam: "Spazitron Spazzowitz." "Nads Asshattington." "Turd Smugglins."
Pops: No! Who would name their child Turd if their last name was Smugglins?! Who?!

Other Adam Goldberg: We need to talk, Adam Goldberg.
Adam: Oh, yeah, sure. What's on your mind, other Adam Goldberg?
Other Adam Goldberg: For the record, you're the other Adam Goldberg, and you're ruining my rep. Everyone thinks I wrote this hacky tripe.
Adam: It's supposed to say "Adam F." It's a simple mistake, really. It's like that time the nurse gave you my inhaler, even though you don't have a problem with ragweed.

Geoff: We're totally the Zabkas.
Erica: Okay, what is happening?
Geoff: I just watched every Zabka movie. "Karate Kid", Zabka snap-kicks Daniel, who was just handing Ali back her radio. "Back to School", Zabka punches Rodney Dangerfield. He punches an old man in the face. "Just One of the Guys", Zabka throws a girl in the ocean. She was just trying to succeed as a photographer.
Erica: Hey! Terry lied to everybody about who she was, until she told him the truth with her boobs.
Geoff: I'm Geoff Schwartz, man. I can't be the Zabka. I'm the sweet, lovable, girl-next-door type. I'm the Elisabeth Shue.

Adam: I think it's easier if I just peacefully change my name 'cause the other Adam Goldberg is slightly inconvenienced every so often.

Adam & Barry: Wax on. Right hand. Wax off. Left hand.
Murray: Shh. It's hard enough to hear the old karate gardener without you two morons talking over him.

Adam: Oh, Man, I loved how Daniel-san beat up all those bullies. I mean, how many weeks did he train? Three? So cool.
Barry: I loved the leg sweeping and face punches.
Pops: I loved the wise old man kicking all those kids' butts. He should be arrested, but he's not.

Adam: Reading anything good there, Taz?
Taz: Yeah, man, this review of "Karate Kid" is fresh. That other Adam Goldberg in 11th grade knows his movies.
Adam: What? No. I wrote that.
Taz: It says here it's by Adam Goldberg. You're Adam F. Goldberg.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And with one missing letter "F," my "Karate Kid" journey began.
Adam: Oh, balls!

Other Adam Goldberg: You!
Adam: Oh, balls!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Balls, indeed. There he was, the other Adam Goldberg. Indie, artsy, and my nemesis who had been on my mind a bit lately.

Other Adam Goldberg: Don't minimize this, bro. Do you have any idea how many people have congratulated me on this article?
Adam: Two?
Other Adam Goldberg: Wow, that's a good guess. Point is, I'm tired of the marketplace confusion. You got to change your name now.
Adam: I really don't think people are gonna be confused by our names, dude.
Coach Mellor: Hey, Goldberg, we're playing basketball in the gym, and your mother is insisting you wear a jockstrap so you don't hurt your yam bag.
Johnny Atkins: Ha! He's worried about his reproductive health.
Carla: His mom cares about him! That's a weakness!
Other Adam Goldberg: You're changing your name.

Other Adam Goldberg: That's it. I was just gonna make you change your name, but now I'm gonna beat the crap out of you and make you change your name.
Adam: Let's say you didn't beat me up, and I became a Mr. Turd Smugglins. Would that appeal to you?