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48Quotes from ‘Fonzie Scheme’

The Goldbergs: Fonzie Scheme

421. Fonzie Scheme

Aired April 26, 2017

Erica refuses to bail Barry and Adam out after they sink a golf cart. Meanwhile, Beverly encourages Murray to find a hobby.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Look at all the amazing people you're with.
Adam: Yeah, I didn't know Martin from Martin's Aquarium did all this stuff. He plays jazz, sailed around the world.
Erica: Yeah, and that guy from Vantresca's Tuxedo climbs mountains and volunteers at the zoo.
Beverly: Here it is, Mur. Behold.
Barry: "Hobbies: Watching The Weather Channel and 'getting comfortable.'" Hmm. He nailed it.
Beverly: This is all you wrote, Murray?
Murray: What? I only had a month to think of stuff.

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Quote from Barry

Barry: There it is, gentlemen, the answer to all our problems.
Adam: Uh, how, exactly?
Barry: Easy. We steal Cecil the janitor's golf cart and replace the one we sunk. It's the perfect crime.
Naked Rob: But then Cecil has no cart.
Barry: Way ahead of you. We then steal another golf cart from a different country club to replace Cecil's.
Geoff: But then wouldn't the second golf course be missing their cart?
Barry: Which is why we steal and replace golf carts several times a day for the rest of our natural lives.
Matt: Isn't that a Ponzi scheme, bro?
Barry: Fonzie has nothing to do with this, Matthew. He drives a motorcycle.
Andy: Not a Fonzie scheme, dude, Ponzi. And that's exactly what this is.
Barry: Not at all. All we got to do is swipe hundreds, if not thousands, of golf carts to keep our scam alive until we grow old and our children take our place!
Geoff: You really need to go to your sister about this.

Quote from Murray

Adam: He likes replacing batteries.
Barry: And checking the mail.
Beverly: Okay, you're not helping.
Erica: Oh, and turning the lights off.
Barry: And screaming at us for not turning the lights off.
Beverly: Always being annoyed is not a hobby.
Adam: He also screams when we slide around in socks.
Murray: Hey, stitches aren't free.

Quote from Murray

Murray: What are you so angry about? I'm finally into a hobby. I thought you'd be happy.
Beverly: Happy? This can says "meat." There are no other descriptive words.
Murray: Meat! What more do you need to know? Meat.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: What the hell's all this?
Murray: You're looking at our retirement.
Beverly: All right, no more couponing for you. I want my pouch. Give me my pouch.
Murray: It wasn't big enough. We have a savings satchel now.
Beverly: There is no such thing as a savings satchel.
Murray: Tell the ladies at the Pick N' Save. All they could do was look at my satchel.

Quote from Murray

Erica: Well, I'd say that's a very accurate description of his lifestyle.
Beverly: Not at all! Your father has many wonderful interests and hobbies.
Murray: I do?
Adam: He does?
Beverly: Of course. I mean... Well, for starters, there's...
Barry: I got one. He loves to call us morons.
Murray: I thought of that, but that's not a hobby per se.

Quote from Pops

Pops: Okay, let's get the hobby ball rolling with the greatest hobby of them all: Music. (singing & playing the banjo) Won't you come home, Bill Bailey? Won't you come home? [stopping] You got to bang the bongos, Mur.
Murray: I don't want to bang the bongos!
Pops: Just bang the bongos.
Murray: I'm not banging the bongos!
Pops: Just give the bongos a little bang.
Murray: If you want the bongos banged so bad, you bang the bongos!
Pops: How can I bang the bongos if I'm playing "Bill Bailey" on the banjo?
Beverly: Murray, stop bickering and bang the bongos!
Murray: Aah!
Pops: [playing the banjo] Won't you come home, Bill Bailey?

Quote from Pops

Pops: Hey, you got to bang to the beat, Mur. You're not banging to the beat.
Murray: I'm trying the best I can! This stinks.
Pops: Maybe your hobby's being an [bleep].
Murray: What did you say?
Pops: [singing & playing the banjo] Remember that rainy evening? I sent you out.

Quote from Adam

Erica: What are you two dopes doing?
Adam: Deciding which college we should go to.
Barry: We taped 18 hours' worth of "USA Up All Night" movies and carefully studied them all.
Adam: Got to tell you, it's a tough choice.
Barry: It's between "Screwball Academy".
Adam: Which is ranked first in coed pillow fighting.
Barry: Or the unnamed school from "Sorority House Party," which has a great wet T-shirt program.
Erica: None of it's real! "Bikini Ski School" isn't real.
Adam: You sound like the stuffy dean who lost the mountain in a ski race.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: I love how close they are.
Murray: Don't encourage these morons. You're aggravating me. Stop it. Stop hitting the balloon!
Beverly: Murray, let me put some salad on your plate.
Murray: This is the worst dinner of my life!

Quote from Pops

Adam: Please give up. I can't feel my arms.
Barry: Just let it hit the ground. You let it hit the ground. I have a Spanish test in the morning I'm gonna fail 'cause of you.
Pops: Someone let it hit the ground and end this fekakte game already.

Quote from Murray

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was April 26, 1980-something, the day my dad was honored as one of Jenkintown's top businessmen. His speech was one that said little while meaning even less.
Murray: I can't remember that customer's name. Um... Well... No. Point being is, that's why you always sell end tables separately. Well, thank you so much for the award and for lunch. It was... Yeah.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Ooh, look! They're hanging your plaque, Mur. I'm literally kvelling out of every pore of my body.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Murray, the whole town is gonna see this, and they're gonna think the businessman of the year is a lazy lump.
Murray: I'd say more of a lovable loaf.

Quote from Barry

Adam: We need Erica. Go get Erica.
Barry: Dude, you heard her. She's done dealing with our awesome hijinks.
Adam: I think this is less hijinks and more of a felony.
Barry: We should run.

Quote from Murray

Pops: Hey, hey. Who's ready to fill his hobby hole?
Murray: Okay, I don't have a hole. And if I did have a hole, I wouldn't want to fill it with a hobby.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Come on, we'll find a fun hobby that you and I can do together, like, uh, scrapbooking.
Murray: Huh?
Beverly: Jazzercise?
Murray: Right.
Beverly: Power walking?
Murray: "Power walking"?!
Beverly: Couponing?
Murray: Coupo- What the hell's- Well, what's that?
Beverly: It's a way to save money.
Murray: Oh. All right, I'll do that one.
Beverly: Really? I mean, there's so many better things we could do where we'd be outside, getting fresh air-
Murray: No, I want to do the one where we save money.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Erica, I need your help.
Erica: Bup, bup. We discussed this. My days of looking after you are done. You're a man now, right?
Adam: Thing is, in this case, I feel more like a scared little boy who needs his big sister.
Erica: God, no! Just pretend it's next year and I'm at college. What do you do then?
Adam: Call you on a special red phone so you can rush home and fix my dumb mistakes?
Erica: Look at me. There is no red phone. I am far away, living an awesome life without you.
Adam: What about the house mother in your sorority? Can she give you the message between bikini tickle-fights?
Erica: You really need to stop watching "USA Up All Night" boobie movies.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Okay, we're just gonna abandon this thing by the clubhouse, and they'll never know the difference.
Adam: Wow. This plan actually can work. I'm so glad you're my new Erica.
Barry: Your what?
Adam: I'm just saying, with her ditching me, you're now entirely responsible for my future and safety.
Barry: Noice.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Now, let's floor this bad boy and jump that hill again.
Adam: Uh, not to second-guess you, New Erica, but we've already tried this, and it went real bad for us.
Barry: But the new cart is so much sleeker, Adam. It has a janitor broom on the back that acts as a wing to lift us to the heavens.
Adam: There's no way you believe that's real, right?
Barry: Trust your New Erica. Time to taste the sky!

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Murray, this is a big moment. I have never given my coupon pouch to another human person.
Murray: I don't need it. Look right here. Packaged pastrami, with this circular, two for one.
Beverly: And where'd you get that?
Murray: They were at the front of the store.
Beverly: Yeah, because the store circular is a sucker's play. My babies do not eat pastrami wrapped in deadly plastic.
Murray: Even better, they're practically giving away canned meats.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Whoo-hoo, I got myself a hobby!
Beverly: But you're picking all the wrong stuff. The point of couponing is to find savings on things you actually want.
Murray: And I want to save money. Look at this. They got canned bananas. You buy 5, you get 10 free.
Beverly: Bananas don't need cans. They're wrapped by God!

Quote from Geoff

Erica: Geoff, what's all this?
Geoff: As you know, I wanted to do something really special for our first official date.
Erica: Yeah, we're going to Red Lobster.
Geoff: Thing is, I didn't realize we're smack in the middle of Crabfest, so they're booked solid.
Erica: Damn it. It's April already? Seems like just yesterday, it was Clamuary.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: That's enough. I'm going to my backup pouch.
Murray: Whoa, whoa, hang on. What's in your purse?
Beverly: Nothing.
Murray: Is that quilted three-ply premium toilet paper?
Beverly: Actually it's four-ply.
Murray: Four-ply? That's three plys too many!
Beverly: No one uses one-ply, Murray. No one. A person needs at least two plys.
Murray: What is this, "Falcon Crest"?

Quote from Beverly

Murray: I've been a couponer long enough to know that you paid full price for this.
Beverly: I regret nothing. Your coarse single-ply is sandpapering our tushies. Poor Adam can barely walk.
Murray: Single-ply builds character.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Hey, can we talk?
Murray: About what? I'm doing what you asked me to do. I'm sitting in my chair.
Beverly: Murray, the last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt your feelings.
Murray: Well, you were right. Look at me. I'm not the same man you married.
Beverly: No. You're better.
Murray: Look at me. I got hobbies. "Checking the thermostat, closing the windows, making sure the gas tank is full."
Beverly: And, of course, being a dad, being my husband.
Murray: Those aren't hobbies.
Beverly: Well, they're the only ones that matter to me.

Quote from Murray

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so my dad went back to the hobbies he did best, like checking the thermostat.
[montage:]
Murray: Which one of you morons cranked the heat up to 55?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Making sure the gas tank was full.
Murray: Look at the gas gauge! Look at it!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Napping in his chair.
Murray: (snores)
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And yelling at us for sliding around in our socks.
Murray: Knock it off, you moron!


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