David Hasselhoff: Why are you boys being weird in my trailer?
Adam: Hello, Mr. Hasselhoff, sir.
Dave Kim: Wow, you look even buffer in person.
David Hasselhoff: Thank you. The secret is to be born beautiful.
Adam: It is an honor. And if it wasn't for Knight Rider and the way you handled KITT, I may never have mustered up the courage to learn to drive.
David Hasselhoff: [laughs] Please leave.
Adam: Before we go, may I offer you my humble services as your on-set assistant?
David Hasselhoff: No, now beat it before I have you both arrested.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] So, my plan failed, but I wasn't done yet.
Adam: I won't give up! You'll love my perseverance! But you should know that I have a note from my doctor about lifting things.
David Hasselhoff: Out, out, out, out, out, out!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Geoff knew something he shouldn't, and the hard part? Keeping his mouth shut.
Beverly: Listen. I know you guys decided against finding out the sex of the baby, but just in case, the search for the right mohel continues.
Geoff: More mohels. Yay.
Beverly: If it's a boy, the foreskin and penis will be the stars of the show.
Geoff: Can't wait to see that show.
Beverly: Ooh, look at the time. I'm supposed to meet Ginzy at foreskin. Oh, I mean 4:00. Oh! Someone's got foreskin on the brain.

Erica: You okay, hon? I know you really wanted to find out today.
Geoff: Oh, I'm fine. As long as you're happy. Also I found out the sex of the baby.
Erica: What?
Geoff: I-It's my dad's fault. He saw the sonogram, and he is a doctor, and he held this lens-thingy with his own eye socket.
Erica: Wow. You know what you are?
Geoff: A bad boy?
Erica: That's right. And what happens to bad boys?
Geoff: They get punished 'cause they did bad.
Erica: See, you know the sex of our baby, but guess what? I forbid you to tell me.
Geoff: I can't keep this to myself!
Erica: Until our baby is born, you will carry this burden with you day after day, knowing it was forged in the fires of your betrayal.
Geoff: Please don't do this to me! Wait, where are you going?
Erica: Out. So you can be alone with your thoughts.
Geoff: Alone with my thoughts? But that's when a bad boy feels baddest!
Erica: Remember, you did this. And I would never do that to you.

Pop-Pop: What the hell does a personal assistant do?
Adam: You pick up dry cleaning, roll up Turkey slices, maybe visit with a sick parent if it conflicts with an important drinks meeting.
Pop-Pop: So you'll be helping an [bleep]?
Adam: That's just how Hollywood works, babe.

Adam: And it's a great way to get my foot in the door and learn the biz.
Beverly: But you go to NYU in a week. You can't start a job now.
Barry: Especially since it doesn't exist. The Hoff, like myself, is the kind of man other men want to be. I know how he dreams, how he thinks, how he sniffs. Like this. [sniffs quietly] See? Effortless.
Adam: What are you talking about?
Barry: He'd never hire a dork like you.
Adam: Then why do I have this? The script pages they're shooting that day. Face it. David and I are best buds now. Our wives will have to get along on our joint vacations even though they despise each other.
Barry: I demand you introduce me so I can have the life you are describing.
Adam: Absolutely not. Part of my job is to make sure people like you don't get anywhere near David Hasselhoff.
Barry: Damn it! That sounds like something David would do.
Adam: Look, if you leave right now, silently and without a scene, maybe I'll get you his autograph.
[Barry takes another bite of his watermelon, places it down on the kitchen counter and walks away quietly]

Beverly: Welcome to the family, Mr. Hasselhoff!
David Hasselhoff: What the h...
Beverly: I'm Adam's mom.
David Hasselhoff: Adam?
Beverly: Yeah. The little piece of pottery that I baked in my lady kiln years ago.
David Hasselhoff: Lady Kiln?
Beverly: Oh, poor thing, you seem off. Did you have a rough day on set? Listen, why don't I give you some shrimp parm and then you can go shluffie?
David Hasselhoff: Lady, what's happening here?
Beverly: You know Adam, your new assistant. Remember? I baked him in here.
David Hasselhoff: I don't have a new assistant.
Beverly: Glasses, golden locks like sunshine? A million-watt smile that would melt an iceberg?
David Hasselhoff: [laughs] I know who you think you're talking about, and no.
Beverly: Well, why would he lie to me? I'm sorry, Mr. Hasselhoff, I got to figure this out. [serves David Hasselhoff a plate of shrimp parm and leaves]

Barry: Bill gets it. He's here, and I need his autograph.
Virginia Kremp: How exactly can we help you with this?
Barry: That's for you to answer, Ginzy. Now, let's get those little noggins cranking. There are no bad ideas, but, uh, Matt Bradley, sit this one out.
Matt: That's not the punishment you think it is.

Beverly: Aww. Oh, look, you've all come over to watch me bravely take on my new life as a widow.
Bill Lewis: Not at all. We're actually here because smiley glasses thinks you're going to be heartbroken when he goes to college.
Beverly: Aww.
Adam: You've been through a lot this year. I thought maybe everyone could help out somehow.
Beverly: That is so sweet of you all to support me in this way. And, you know, there is one thing that really would feed my soul. Nom-noms from my schmoo.
Adam: Mom, no!
Beverly: Come on, you've only got a week left. You're gonna miss this.
Adam: Aw!
Beverly: You're gonna miss it!

Dr. Bowman: Hey, you two.
Geoff: Dr. B!
Dr. Bowman: Please don't call me that.
Geoff: ...o-w-m-a-n. Bowman. With "doctor" in front. Dr. Bowman. Saved it!
Dr. Bowman: You're gonna be a weird dad.

Adam: How'd it go?
Mr. Glascott: The woman is a fortress of hidden emotions. She's got all of her walls up, and they are deflecting things back at innocent people. [school bell rings] [mouth full] Get out of here.