Bill Lewis: Hey, buddy. Little worried about ya. For old time's sake, why don't you kick back in your old chair and pop off those pants? [Murray grumbles] I can't talk to you with your pants on, Mur! Open up to me! Let's get those things around your ankles!
Murray: Get your hands off me!

Murray: I hate Formica Mike. He's supposed to be a 50-50 partner, and he never listens to anything I say.
Geoff: I could tell by your sad, hollow gaze that this was about a relationship.
Murray: I'm not in a relationship with Formica Mike, moron.
Geoff: It's a business relationship, and just like any new relationship, there's always a lot of kinks to work out.
Erica: Geoff's right. It took us a long time to establish our dynamic of me being me and Geoff being the bucket I dump all my emotions into.
Geoff: And what works great for us might not work for you. The key is communication.

Bill Lewis: Kid's right. I tell Dolores everything. Except that I hate her melon soup and Debra Winger wasn't my high school girlfriend, though I think she knows.

Erica: Guys, don't bother. For all his angry bluster, he's terrible at confrontation. It's hopeless.
Barry: Or hope-stuffed.
Erica: Barry, no! Don't just appear sucking on something and give your terrible advice.
Bill Lewis: Is that a foot Popsicle, son?
Barry: Also has a gumball inside of it. Point is, there's only one way to destroy a Formica kingdom. You gotta kill the Formica King.

Geoff: Don't listen to Barry. Tell the King how you're feeling. Conquer him with emotional intimacy.
Bill Lewis: Pick something, Mur! I can't stand that your pants are still on! Let me just pop off that...
Murray: Leave my pants alone! I'm gonna go and do what Erica's beau says.
Geoff: He's doing my thing! Although he's yet to learn my name, so it's kind of a mixed bag for the win.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As my dad and Barry dealt with a problematic partner, I wasn't the only one who had a problem with my mom.
Adam: Principal Ball, you wanted to see me?
Principal Ball: In fact, I did. Dale, press play. Show the boy.
Adam: Okay. No Way Out?! Yes way in! Gene Siskel called it an epic thriller with a plot twist for the ages.
Principal Ball: And you're in for a bit of a plot twist of your own.
Beverly: [on tape] Greetings, class. Kevin Costner turns out to be a Russian spy. The end. Now, Mr. Woodburn, start teaching your students.
Mr. Woodburn: You know, your mother has crossed many lines, but making us do our jobs is a bridge too far!
Adam: Guys, fire her.
Principal Ball: Oh, no, you can't just fire Beverly Goldberg.
Mr. Woodburn: Yeah, it takes a lot to fire a teacher. Trust me.

Principal Ball: She's a blonde whack-a-mole. She'll just pop right back up somewhere else.
Adam: Just find her a job outside the classroom with no real authority.
Principal Ball: There's nothing. Unless...
Mr. Woodburn: Unless what? I'm desperate here, man. I got the endothermic process coming up on the syllabus. I don't know what the [bleep] that is!
Principal Ball: I could make her Quaker Warden!
Adam: Quaker what?
Principal Ball: It's an archaic position in charge of enforcing Quaker values. It hasn't been filled in this school for 87 years. Here is the last one. The late, great Eunice D. Eunice.
Adam: Is that a scar on her face?
Principal Ball: It's a smile.
Adam: But Quaker Warden sounds pretty lofty. Are you sure you want to give my mom any power?
Principal Ball: Here's the genius of it all... it can take forever to get your certification. She'll be gummed up in Quaker red tape for so long, all of us will be long dead before she gets in.
Mr. Woodburn: Death! The final victory!
Adam: I don't know. I think she'll see right through this one.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Principal Ball had tried to reduce my mom's role at school. Instead, he gave her unlimited power.
[montage:]
Beverly: Hands were intended for prayer, not pockets.
Beverly: Short pantaloons must be one egg above the knee. Go change.
Beverly: Friend Dave Kim, might I suggest an activity better for your body and character, such as a game of Toad in the Middle, Buttons, Buttons, Buttons, or Please, Mr. Crocodile?
Dave Kim: Those all seem really dated.
Beverly: Well, look who thinks he's better than a boy who lived in 1675. [bell rings] Get thee to class!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, my mom was drunk with Quaker Warden power.

Beverly: [over P.A.] Good morrow, William Penn. 'Tis I, Friend Beverly, your Quaker Warden, with a few quick announcements. You may have noticed I've instructed lunch lady Doris to replace all rice pudding with a nutrient-rich muesli. Yummy! Also, Senior Skip Day is canceled.
JC Spink: What?!
Sydney: No Skip Day?!
Dave Kim: Dude, you have to do something about your mom. This Quaker stuff is out of control.
Adam: I know, Dave Kim.
JC Spink: She said if I got one more demerit, I have to do something called a "public butter churn."
Adam: I know, JC Spink. And I know, Corbett.
Brian: I didn't say anything.
Adam: I know!

Beverly: [over PA] Instead, we'll be reinstating the hallowed tradition of the Quaker morning meeting. A time to reflect individually and as a community.
JC Spink: Self-examination? I don't want to know what's going on below my surface.
Brian: You're a dead man.
Dave Kim: He's been my lifelong friend, but I'll hold his arms.
Adam: Guys, nobody has more issues with my mom than me. But also no one's better equipped to handle her.
Brian: Fine. You have 33 hours.
Adam: Seems like an arbitrary time frame, but let's do it.