Adult Adam: [v.o.] As the clock was ticking, it was time for my dad's plan to use Bill as a fake customer.
Bill Lewis: Hello, strange furniture men. I'm interested in purchasing a couch, and I don't know anyone that works in this store.
Formica Mike: I got this, Mur. Sir, you're gonna buy this beauty.
Bill Lewis: But that couch is dumb, and I hate it. Who'd want to sit on a mouth?
Formica Mike: Are you familiar with television bad boy Richard Grieco?
Bill Lewis: Grieco's got a mouth couch?
Formica Mike: He does.
Bill Lewis: I'm suddenly intrigued.
Murray: Are you sure? I'd think about that.
Bill Lewis: Scratch that. I have no interest in how 21 Jump Street's Officer Booker spends his lazy afternoons.

JC Spink: [emotionally] Mr. Woodburn, you taught me a lot about chemistry, but even more about being a man. I love ya, fella.
Mr. Woodburn: [cries] Y-You have no idea how much that means to me. You... You kids are my life.
Adam: What the hell is this?
Principal Ball: Pure, unadulterated honesty. And it's beautiful.
Dave Kim: Here goes nothing. Sydney, since second grade, I've been in love with you. Say you'll give us a chance.
Sydney: In that same spirit of honesty, I have no idea who you are.
Principal Ball: It's been incredible. Except for Dave Kim. I mean, that was really brutal.

Geoff: Isn't this fun?
Erica: It's certainly red.
Barry: Oh, hell, yes!
Geoff: Wait, you got one, too?
Barry: Great minds.
Erica: What the hell are you gonna do with two pairs of lips?
Barry & Geoff: Make-out sesh!
Geoff: Ooh, your lips are so pillowy.
Barry: I'm never gonna vacuum under you.
Geoff: I wanna lay on you all day and read.
Erica: I'm never gonna be okay again.
Barry & Geoff: Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Geoff: Why?

Beverly: Excuse me. What am I looking at here? Everybody knows that I am always in charge of the annual bake sale.
Trish: I'm sorry, who are you?
Beverly: Who am I? Who are you?
Trish: I'm Tim Johanssen's mom, Trish.
Beverly: I don't need to know your name, trash.
Trish: Trish.
Beverly: I said what I said.

Formica Mike: There's my guy. All right, question. Who's better-looking... me or me?
Murray: I prefer the one that doesn't talk.
Formica Mike: Oh, come on, everybody loves the Formica King.
Murray: We don't own a medieval theme restaurant. We sell credenzas.
Vic: Check it out, Mur. I'm Sir Vic, the knight of this round table. It's an entertainment console, but you get it.
Murray: Sadly, I do.
Formica Mike: Uh, just set it over there, guys.
Murray: What the hell is this?
Formica Mike: Only the greatest thing ever... a giant lip couch.
Vic: Mur, lip furniture is au courant right now.
Murray: Maybe, but we're not selling it in my store.
Formica Mike: Ah-ah-ah! Our store.

Murray: It was the Ottoman Empire first.
Formica Mike: Yeah, but then I bought half the empire, and I turned it into more of a kingdom. And kingdoms are better than empires.
Murray: What are you talking about? Empires are better than kingdoms.
Vic: Empires are sovereign states controlled by a single supreme authority.
Formica Mike: Yeah, but everybody wants to be a king.
Vic: That's true. King me, baby.
Murray: Empires control vast territories.
Vic: Point for Murray. The original Ottoman Empire controlled Europe, Asia, and Africa for centuries.
Murray: Ha!
Vic: It was, uh, ultimately defeated by the United Kingdom.
Formica Mike: Ha back at ya!
Murray: Why don't you know this much about end tables?
Formica Mike: And there you have it. The lips stay. Long live the king!

Beverly: So you've all just been showing movies in class?
Mr. Woodburn: That's right, blondie. The seniors take their foot off the gas, and so do we.
Beverly: So you know about Senior Skip Day?!
Mr. Woodburn: You mean Teacher Ditch Day?
Ms. Rodriguez: I'm hitting Jo-Ann Fabrics. They have wine glasses there that say, "I'm on Cloud Wine."
Mr. Woodburn: I, of course, will be at the golf range foraging for lost balls. I can get up to 5 cents for some of those babies.
Beverly: The hell you are! My child's mind will not sit idle while you two waste your pathetic lives on wine and balls!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so our dad tried his best to open up to his business partner.
Murray: Hey, Mike, I have some feelings that...
Formica Mike: Feelings? What are you, my kids after my first heart attack?
Murray: Well, I'd appreciate...
Formica Mike: Here's something you'll appreciate! I got another set of these babies. Pucker up!
[later:]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] The only thing my dad was ready to kiss was the Formica King goodbye.
Murray: You're gonna help me, uh, kill the king.
Barry: Yes!

Beverly: Whoo-hoo! I'm the Quaker Warden!
Principal Ball: Not quite yet. Uh, first, you have to be ordained by the Fellowship of Friends in Woonsocket, Rhode Island.
Beverly: Oh, that's a bit of a hike.
Principal Ball: And then there's the reading of the parchments from the three volumes of the Books of Discipline.
Beverly: And I would find those...
Principal Ball: Library of Congress, by appointment only.
Beverly: Wow. Well, that's a difficult set of hoops to jump through, so I better get started. [chuckles] Look out, everybody! Quaker Warden-elect coming through!
Principal Ball: Game. Set. Ball!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] At least, that's what we thought, but Beverly Goldberg always finds a way to get things done.
Beverly: Good morrow, William Penn. Newly certified Quaker Warden at your service.
Adam: But it's only been one day.
Beverly: The Quaker Fellowship of Friends was happy to certify me to get me out of their flat, dull hair.
Adam: So what happens now?
Beverly: First order of business... no gum, chewing wax, or taffy.
[After Mr. Woodburn spits out his gum, Beverly walks off as the school bell rings]
Principal Ball: I think I might have screwed up.
Mr. Woodburn: You think? That was a fresh piece of Hubba Bubba. Aah.